Building Single Adult Ministry

Building your Singles Ministry/Single Parenting by Other Authors

Single Dads & Consistent Words: 5 Things to Avoid by Matt Haviland

How often do you think about the words you use? Even more: Do you understand the long-term impact that your words are having on your children?

I was a single father for over nine years, sharing parenting time with my daughter's mom. As my daughter has grown and matured, some things have gotten easier. She and I can have more "grown-up" conversations, and she is becoming more discerning about her parents' situation and how it has affected her. But I can't take this for granted.

As I've written before, if there is inconsistency in the other home, that makes consistency in your own home that much more important. Of course, consistency comes in many forms, but I've narrowed the focus here to the importance of single parents using consistent words.

Avoid: Emotions getting the best of you
Granted, slip-ups like this are not exclusive to single parents. But I speak from personal experience: our children arouse strong emotions in us like few other things in life. And when conflicts arise that involve your kids—whether you feel undercut as a parent, the children are being used as pawns against you, or you're left out of important parenting decisions—that's a time to tune into your emotions and beware. Do all you can to prevent that built-up aggression in your heart from translating into words you will later regret.

Avoid: Slamming the other parent
Many years ago, a friend who worked with co-parents taught me that children find their identity in both parents. So when a child hears one parent say the other one is stupid, lazy, incompetent, or selfish, it's likely that the child will take on those negative qualities as part of her self-perception. We all have flaws, and unfortunately, many adults never address their flaws in a healthy manner. Still, as a father leading his kids towards adulthood, your job is to set a standard they can follow for the rest of their lives. Don't let negativity be the main characteristic of your influence on them.

Avoid: Retaliation
We are taught it as children but forget so quickly as adults: If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything. Once again, emotions can get heated, so it's important to resolve now, when you're clear-minded, to never retaliate with hostility—even if you're being verbally assaulted. Whatever the situation, and especially if you anticipate a confrontation ahead of time, protect your children from collateral damage and guard your heart (and theirs) before the conflict. By doing so, you will provide your children with some of the best life lessons they could ever experience.

Avoid: Gossip
Oh boy, here we go. I'll just put it this way: going down the gossip path smears someone else's character and yours. I've experienced this many times, like the single dad I worked with, who would constantly gossip about and slander his ex-wife. Not only did I not want to hear it, but I also avoided him sometimes. It's a habit that can easily grow, become out-of-control, and eventually seep out in front of your kids, on social media, and into other areas of your life. It's an extremely slippery slope, so nip it in the bud now.

Avoid: Irrationality
Things considered irrational lack normal mental clarity or coherence; they aren't governed by sound reason. But they may seem like natural tendencies or reactions during more emotional moments. In co-parenting, I would consider the following irrational: keeping score against the other parent (how many times she has done or not done something), getting even, and impulsive or even damaging behavior (especially behaviors that may land you in legal trouble). I know there can be strong urges toward some of those behaviors, but you must resist.

I know it's tough, but it's worth avoiding these negative words and habits—or, even worse, outgrowing them. Enlist a friend or a professional to help you if needed. Your children need to see a positive example of a respectful, mature dad, even if you're dealing with significant and unbearable issues with their mom.

Read the original article and others articles here: https://fathers.com/blog/your-situation/single-dad/single-dads-consistent-words-5-things-to-avoid-2/

About the author: Matt Haviland is the Men's Center Director for Alpha Grand Rapids (AGR), which operates two centers: Alpha Women's Center and Alpha Men's Center. He is married to his amazing wife, Christy, and is the father of a wonderful teenage daughter. He and Christy are currently in the adoption process as well. Matt has been working with fathers since 2008 through various organizations and partnerships. He joined the team at Alpha Grand Rapids at the beginning of 2021, shortly before the new Men's Center facility was completed and opened as one of the first standalone buildings solely serving fathers in the United States. As Men's Center Director, Matt empowers staff members and volunteers to walk alongside fathers and equip them to be the best man, partner, and father possible. He is deeply passionate about discipling men and understands how valuable fathers are to their families and communities. A native of Grand Rapids, MI, Matt enjoys family time, reading, playing golf, and almost all outdoor recreation.

Matt Haviland is also the author of A Father's Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers and the co-author of The Daddy Gap. For more information, email Matt at afatherswalk@gmail.com.

Divine Delays by Single Parent Leader, Holly Crain

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:10

The divorce and the absence of children every other weekend was nearly too much to bear. Something had to change. I couldn't comprehend how to make my way through all the pain and confusion. I found myself on the floor crying to the Lord that morning, "Please take it all…the confusion, the mistakes, the pain." So much tension was happening in my heart that I finally laid it all out to the Lord. Was I able to endure this? Could I trust God with my whole heart?

God used divine delays throughout the Bible. Moses wandered in the desert for 40 years, Joseph sat in a dungeon and was seemingly forgotten, and Sarah thought her days had passed. Was I being asked to endure a divine delay? Was the Lord setting apart a time to accomplish His purposes in my life?

Looking back from this vantage point, I can clearly see how God used a time like this in my life. I had no idea if it would be 3 hours, three days, three weeks, three years. But I knew enough that God's design and purpose for my life were worth every single minute. No matter how long it took.

His hand was heavily upon me, and I had no choice but to listen or run. Thankfully, this time, I listened. Did I want it? Absolutely not. But I needed to align some things and allow the Lord full access. He had to be my top priority, and nothing would take His place in my life again.

Making sense of divine delays can frustrate and make us question the very core of who we are. We will sometimes see the reason for this delay, but most times we will not. Today, you may find yourself in a place just like this. I would encourage you to fully receive everything the Lord is trying to do in your life. Carve out space in your life and listen intently. Immerse yourself in the Word and memorize scripture. Look for others around you who are ahead of you spiritually, and listen to their own accounts. The Lord wanted full access to my life and my heart. It became a time of recommitment, repentance, and fully submitting to His authority. I had to align my life according to Him and not anything else the world offered.

Who would ever choose this? I would suspect no one would. This is never fun, but if it brings us to know the Lord in a new way or moves a step forward in spiritual maturity...well, then it's worth it. I found that I was never alone as I walked through this time. The Lord walked with me. And 30 years later, I have continually pointed back to that time in my life because of the magnitude it had on my life and the spiritual maturity that followed.

If we haven't met, I want you to know that when I walked into my local church alone with a five-year-old daughter and a two-month-old son almost 30 years ago. I didn't know if that church was ready for me. But do you know what happened? That church embraced me and walked me through my biggest life trial. But even more significant than that, the Gospel and what God did in my life changed this girl forever! And I know He will do the same for you as He did for me! He will! Enjoy your local church and these single-parent family articles. Allow yourself to get excited about what God has in store for you and your children. It's so good!

If you would like information about how to start a single-parent ministry in your church, email to HollyCrain1031@gmail.com to set up a meeting. I have 16 years of experience running a single-parent ministry and would love to help others do the same!

Holly Crain, Single Parent Leader
HollyCrain1031@gmail.com

I never planned to be a single parent. Like most people, you get married to stay married. You buy a home, start planning a family, and live life. Then, things change, and you find yourself alone, raising kids without much support. You can choose to stay angry or seek the help you need to navigate this new life. I am thankful for Kris and The Singles Network Ministries. The website is so full of excellent articles and resources. I am also grateful for the additional links to ministries focusing on single parents. With God's help and others, just one day at a time.
—Jenna, Dallas, TX