Building your Singles Ministry/Single Parenting by Other Authors
Failures of Being a Single Dad: Truths vs Lies
by Matt Haviland, A Father's Walk
Brethren, I do regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead, I press on toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.
–Phil 3:13-14 (NASB)
As a single father, I can easily see where being a single parent can be synonymous with failure. I mean, even in my own life, I have put my daughter in a situation where she will not grow up with me at home full-time. There will be weekends and events I want to take her to that may not happen because of parenting time; I do not have the opportunity to put her to bed every night and pray with her; and even recently- I enrolled her in intramural basketball, and she will only get to play in the games every other Saturday all because of my selfishness, the fact that I gave in to lustful flesh and had a child out of wedlock. I am such a loser.
STOP!!! That is the way I used to see myself: as an unfit dad with a life that was barely holding together. That is, until I had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ, and He began to restore me and build me into a better father (I’m saying this EXTREMELY humbly, by the way) than I could have ever imagined. I now see challenges as opportunities and trials as tests to grow in my faith. Has life gotten any easier since I came to Christ? Not really. However, I am now more equipped than ever to handle the tough times and die to self to become more like Him. Let’s look into this.
Most single dads are noncustodial parents; the mom has primary physical custody. This may or may not be the case in your life, but even we dads with 50/50 parenting time are still experiencing loss regularly. I also learned that NO ONE is a perfect parent, and we will all fail our kids one way or another- big or small. Now, I do not want to focus on the negatives, so I will draw from the few personal examples I gave above to help you discern between the truth God speaks to us daily and the lies our enemy so delicately (or not) likes to slip in our minds constantly as well.
Jesus called Satan the “father of lies” in John 8:44. There is no truth in our adversary. He either lies completely or takes the truth and twists about- as he did in Matthew 4:6. He is very slick at getting to our minds and can be quite successful if we are not standing on a solid foundation in Christ. We must constantly pursue the Lord through prayer and Scripture to arm ourselves for battle. Here are a few situations you may regularly encounter as a single father: the lie presented to you and the TRUTH behind it based on God’s Word.
1. I am not able to attend all of the events I would like to participate in with my children because I don’t have them all of the time. The Lie: “You are missing out on the fun and important times with your kids, and they are suffering because of you.”
The Truth: Ecclesiastes 9:10 states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…” (NIV) My best friend said it perfectly when I first became a father and faced parenting time challenges: “Even if you have her only one hour a week,” he said, “make it THE BEST hour of her week!” I’ve found over the years that it is not the quantity of time I spend with my daughter but the quality. So many parents miss this daily.
2. I’m not able to tuck my kids into bed and/or pray with them every night.
The Lie: “Because I’m not able to pray with my kids every night, they may not get as much Christian upbringing as they normally would if I was there full time.”
The Truth: “The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him.” –Prov 20:7 (NKJV). This is one that I struggled with for years. Despite whatever is being taught at the other home, as fathers, we still have spiritual authority over our kids, and as Ezekiel 22:30 states, the ability to “stand in the gap” on behalf of them before the Lord. Trust me, when we walk solid, and they see it, it will have a more significant impact on their lives than we may know.
3. My child only gets to participate in some activities part-time.
The Lie: “Your child can’t ever become fully involved in certain activities because of split custody arrangements.”
The Truth: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2Cor 4:17-18 (NIV) As with any parents (married or not) with sons and daughters in sports and whatnot, scheduling is always a factor. Even if you place your child in recreational activities and custody time does not allow full participation, YOUR participation matters. Look at it this way. What do you think is more important: a married father who rarely makes his son’s games or his daughter’s concerts, or a single dad who was there every opportunity he got? The latter is one of the eternal factors that will matter the most when our children are fully grown.
–Phil 3:13-14 (NASB)
As a single father, I can easily see where being a single parent can be synonymous with failure. I mean, even in my own life, I have put my daughter in a situation where she will not grow up with me at home full-time. There will be weekends and events I want to take her to that may not happen because of parenting time; I do not have the opportunity to put her to bed every night and pray with her; and even recently- I enrolled her in intramural basketball, and she will only get to play in the games every other Saturday all because of my selfishness, the fact that I gave in to lustful flesh and had a child out of wedlock. I am such a loser.
STOP!!! That is the way I used to see myself: as an unfit dad with a life that was barely holding together. That is, until I had a personal encounter with Jesus Christ, and He began to restore me and build me into a better father (I’m saying this EXTREMELY humbly, by the way) than I could have ever imagined. I now see challenges as opportunities and trials as tests to grow in my faith. Has life gotten any easier since I came to Christ? Not really. However, I am now more equipped than ever to handle the tough times and die to self to become more like Him. Let’s look into this.
Most single dads are noncustodial parents; the mom has primary physical custody. This may or may not be the case in your life, but even we dads with 50/50 parenting time are still experiencing loss regularly. I also learned that NO ONE is a perfect parent, and we will all fail our kids one way or another- big or small. Now, I do not want to focus on the negatives, so I will draw from the few personal examples I gave above to help you discern between the truth God speaks to us daily and the lies our enemy so delicately (or not) likes to slip in our minds constantly as well.
Jesus called Satan the “father of lies” in John 8:44. There is no truth in our adversary. He either lies completely or takes the truth and twists about- as he did in Matthew 4:6. He is very slick at getting to our minds and can be quite successful if we are not standing on a solid foundation in Christ. We must constantly pursue the Lord through prayer and Scripture to arm ourselves for battle. Here are a few situations you may regularly encounter as a single father: the lie presented to you and the TRUTH behind it based on God’s Word.
1. I am not able to attend all of the events I would like to participate in with my children because I don’t have them all of the time. The Lie: “You are missing out on the fun and important times with your kids, and they are suffering because of you.”
The Truth: Ecclesiastes 9:10 states, “Whatever your hand finds to do, do it with all your might…” (NIV) My best friend said it perfectly when I first became a father and faced parenting time challenges: “Even if you have her only one hour a week,” he said, “make it THE BEST hour of her week!” I’ve found over the years that it is not the quantity of time I spend with my daughter but the quality. So many parents miss this daily.
2. I’m not able to tuck my kids into bed and/or pray with them every night.
The Lie: “Because I’m not able to pray with my kids every night, they may not get as much Christian upbringing as they normally would if I was there full time.”
The Truth: “The righteous man walks in his integrity; his children are blessed after him.” –Prov 20:7 (NKJV). This is one that I struggled with for years. Despite whatever is being taught at the other home, as fathers, we still have spiritual authority over our kids, and as Ezekiel 22:30 states, the ability to “stand in the gap” on behalf of them before the Lord. Trust me, when we walk solid, and they see it, it will have a more significant impact on their lives than we may know.
3. My child only gets to participate in some activities part-time.
The Lie: “Your child can’t ever become fully involved in certain activities because of split custody arrangements.”
The Truth: “For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.” -2Cor 4:17-18 (NIV) As with any parents (married or not) with sons and daughters in sports and whatnot, scheduling is always a factor. Even if you place your child in recreational activities and custody time does not allow full participation, YOUR participation matters. Look at it this way. What do you think is more important: a married father who rarely makes his son’s games or his daughter’s concerts, or a single dad who was there every opportunity he got? The latter is one of the eternal factors that will matter the most when our children are fully grown.
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BIO: Matt Haviland is the Men's Center Director for Alpha Grand Rapids (AGR), which operates two centers: Alpha Women's Center and Alpha Men's Center. He is married to his amazing wife, Christy, and is the father of a wonderful teenage daughter. He and Christy are currently in the adoption process as well. Matt has been working with fathers since 2008 through various organizations and partnerships. He joined the team at Alpha Grand Rapids at the beginning of 2021, shortly before the new Men's Center facility was completed and opened as one of the first standalone buildings solely serving fathers in the United States. As Men's Center Director, Matt empowers staff members and volunteers to walk alongside fathers and equip them to be the best man, partner, and father possible. He is deeply passionate about discipling men and understands how valuable fathers are to their families and communities. A native of Grand Rapids, MI, Matt enjoys family time, reading, playing golf, and almost all outdoor recreation.
Matt Haviland is also the author of A Father's Walk: A Christian-Based Resource for Single Fathers and the co-author of The Daddy Gap. For more information, email Matt at [email protected]. |
One Thing!
by Shelley Pulliam, Arise Single Moms
January always feels like a blank canvas or a pristine field of snow. It’s clean, free of regrets, and full of possibilities. We enter the new year while often declaring this one will be different. We have hope. We commence making a list of all of the ways we’ll change, organize, and accomplish our goals. The plan kicks off, we are dedicated for a week, and then life happens and we spiral into disappointment at ourselves.
I’m guilty. I’m raising my hand to acknowledge that I am a person who sits down on January 1 to evaluate the previous year and list wishes and dreams for the next twelve months. It’s all neat and tidy on paper until the workload, family obligations, and personal responsibilities hit.
After a road littered with frustration and abandoned aspirations, I decided to approach the new year differently this year. I chose to progress one month at a time with each month holding a different focus. Instead of throwing everything in the pot all at once and turning up the heat to get results, I’ll take it one day at a time. Following a routine for 30 days makes it a habit, so what was one thing I could implement each month?
After all the holiday food, I elected to make healthy eating the theme of January. It needed to be simple and easily followed. I will reduce sweets, eat more fruit and vegetables, and double my intake of water.
February involves sleep. I plan to increase it by an extra 30 minutes to an hour as often as possible. Maybe that means setting my phone down earlier in the evening, putting work aside, or declining to read that next chapter in a good book.
March will arrive with an effort to get more exercise. I’m not joining a gym or going to run miles and miles, but I can concentrate on reaching 10,000 steps a day, riding my recumbent bike, and lifting small weights at home.
April includes prayer and Bible study. I will compile a list of people and list requests to pray for them. I also chose a book of the Bible to focus on this month. Again, I won’t spend hours each day in prayer and study, but at least a few extra minutes in the morning or at lunch or before I go to bed.
May’s theme is social. I’m pretty isolated at times, as I work from home in my cave. So, I decided to choose two people and have lunch or dinner with them this month. If I don’t have time for a full meal, then we’ll make a quick stop at a coffee shop.
June is my emotional wellness month. I plan to choose something I like to do for enjoyment and devote time to make it occur. It might be a quick trip out of town for the weekend, a movie marathon, or sitting on my patio reading a book all afternoon. There are so many possibilities.
This is a six-month example of my search for balance. I can simply repeat the same focus for the final six months of the year or continue to implement new ideas. One thing a month to me is doable. What I think I’ll discover is that these will become habits and that I’ll incorporate each of them monthly—or at least have some residue carry over, even if just a teeny tiny bit.
It’s my plan not to be overwhelmed with attempting to overhaul my life in one month or set unattainable goals or resolutions. I want a way to gradually make some changes for the good of myself and the people around me. If some go by the wayside, then at the end of the year maybe I’ll have witnessed a 1% improvement each month, and 12% progress is way better than how I started. And any progress is worth a New Year’s Eve happy dance.
What about you? Is this something that intrigues you enough to create your own plan for the new year?
To Read More as well as other articles by Shelley, click here.
I’m guilty. I’m raising my hand to acknowledge that I am a person who sits down on January 1 to evaluate the previous year and list wishes and dreams for the next twelve months. It’s all neat and tidy on paper until the workload, family obligations, and personal responsibilities hit.
After a road littered with frustration and abandoned aspirations, I decided to approach the new year differently this year. I chose to progress one month at a time with each month holding a different focus. Instead of throwing everything in the pot all at once and turning up the heat to get results, I’ll take it one day at a time. Following a routine for 30 days makes it a habit, so what was one thing I could implement each month?
After all the holiday food, I elected to make healthy eating the theme of January. It needed to be simple and easily followed. I will reduce sweets, eat more fruit and vegetables, and double my intake of water.
February involves sleep. I plan to increase it by an extra 30 minutes to an hour as often as possible. Maybe that means setting my phone down earlier in the evening, putting work aside, or declining to read that next chapter in a good book.
March will arrive with an effort to get more exercise. I’m not joining a gym or going to run miles and miles, but I can concentrate on reaching 10,000 steps a day, riding my recumbent bike, and lifting small weights at home.
April includes prayer and Bible study. I will compile a list of people and list requests to pray for them. I also chose a book of the Bible to focus on this month. Again, I won’t spend hours each day in prayer and study, but at least a few extra minutes in the morning or at lunch or before I go to bed.
May’s theme is social. I’m pretty isolated at times, as I work from home in my cave. So, I decided to choose two people and have lunch or dinner with them this month. If I don’t have time for a full meal, then we’ll make a quick stop at a coffee shop.
June is my emotional wellness month. I plan to choose something I like to do for enjoyment and devote time to make it occur. It might be a quick trip out of town for the weekend, a movie marathon, or sitting on my patio reading a book all afternoon. There are so many possibilities.
This is a six-month example of my search for balance. I can simply repeat the same focus for the final six months of the year or continue to implement new ideas. One thing a month to me is doable. What I think I’ll discover is that these will become habits and that I’ll incorporate each of them monthly—or at least have some residue carry over, even if just a teeny tiny bit.
It’s my plan not to be overwhelmed with attempting to overhaul my life in one month or set unattainable goals or resolutions. I want a way to gradually make some changes for the good of myself and the people around me. If some go by the wayside, then at the end of the year maybe I’ll have witnessed a 1% improvement each month, and 12% progress is way better than how I started. And any progress is worth a New Year’s Eve happy dance.
What about you? Is this something that intrigues you enough to create your own plan for the new year?
To Read More as well as other articles by Shelley, click here.
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About Shelley:
Howdy! (A girl from Oklahoma has to use this as her greeting) I’m Shelley Pulliam, executive director of Arise Ministries and former teacher of hormone-filled 8th graders. But my real claim to fame rests in my award as second grade spelling bee champ and my recent gun-handling skills as I train to competition shoot. It helps me be on guard when Satan comes knocking. I’m a voracious reader and can frequently be found at the theater enjoying movie marathons where my record stands at six in one day. I’m a single, never married, who loves to pour into children at every opportunity. Let me know if you have any for sale. |
Single Parenting
I never planned to be a single parent. Like most people, you get married to stay married. You buy a home, start planning a family, and live life. Then, things change, and you find yourself alone, raising kids without much support. You can choose to stay angry or seek the help you need to navigate this new life. I am thankful for Kris and The Singles Network Ministries. The website is so full of excellent articles and resources. I am also grateful for the additional links to ministries focusing on single parents. With God's help and others, just one day at a time. |
Arise Single Mom's Podcast
Single Parent Ministries
UK Premier Radio: 6 Ways To Help Solo Parents in Church
Single Mom University
Emerge by Arise: DVD and Study
Gail Showalter
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