Articles by Other Authors
Reconciliation Was Not a Part of My Story by Jennifer Tracy
I have lived a full life as a single woman. I had been on my own for many years, and over those many years as a single, I had the privilege of serving on numerous short-term mission trips. I served with the local church, leading praise and worship, and took on leadership roles within the singles and children's ministries. Not all at once, though. Interspersed were seasons of serving at-risk children and youth through the juvenile courts, after-school youth programs, and inner-city youth ministries. I was (and still am) the coolest aunt to my now young adult nephews and niece.
My life wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed my life with Jesus and me. Jesus was my anchor and hope through years of counseling, both professional and biblical, as I processed wounds from growing up in domestic violence and abuse. He healed so many wounds. I didn't think I had "arrived" anywhere, but neither did I realize the depth of the wounds nor how deep-seated the lies and curses spoken over me were planted.
The desire to marry never went away, but I wasn't sitting around waiting for it to happen. Then, at 51, I got married. However, it quickly turned into an emotionally destructive relationship. I know now that marriage would have brought out my unhealed trauma no matter what and that a healthy marriage can help in the healing process. My destructive marriage almost destroyed me.
I usually don't go "there" on social media, but I was encouraged by a friend to get real. I want to pull the curtain back on my social media life's "highlight reel" and testify to what the Lord is currently doing. Life can throw things we never imagined would be part of our story. Losses. Heartaches. Pits of despair. But God! He is not taken by surprise; if we allow him to do so, he can work it all out for our good.
Over the years, I have prayed for friends and family who have walked this road. I have prayed for the reconciliation of many marriages. It takes three: Jesus, the husband, and the wife. I have rejoiced with those who reconciled and grieved with many who did not.
Divorce, as unwanted as it was, became a part of my story in 2024. My brief marriage ended. Toward the end, I gave up praying and asking God to fix what was broken in my marriage: my pieces and his pieces. Others continued to pray for reconciliation earnestly, but it didn't happen. I was beyond devastated. I felt the judgment of others and became very fearful of where more judgment or rejection awaited me. Other than the rejection of my husband, the most hurtful was being told I ruined my testimony for Christ. As my world was collapsing, I already believed this. It was confirmation that I was a complete failure. There were so many tear-filled nights that I wished I would not wake up in the morning.
My ability to trust God, others, and myself has taken a severe hit. I still don't always know where I belong and tend to isolate myself. Rejection is painful so it makes sense to self-protect through isolation, right? Not really. People will judge, and isolation is more painful than risking trusting others with your heart ... including the ugly parts of your story. Isolation only deepened my confusion, pain, and fear of trusting.
Today, there are more good days than bad days. In the end, some friendships have been forever changed. Some have ended. But I have a small core group of friends (30+ years strong) here. They know me well, my faults and all. I don't fear being known or rejected. They help me not to isolate myself. I also have supportive family members and a wonderful small group of friends in my home away from home. I actively participate in faith-based ministries focusing on biblical forgiveness, healing, and building my core strength in Jesus.
What I am learning:
I am blessed, and I know it. God is faithful. God is my Healer. And God sent his Son, Jesus, to save me. These truths brought me through so much before my divorce and will carry me through this trial and whatever trials await in the future.
In God's Word, we are told, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33, NLT) And to "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7, NLT). And that "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. So we can say with confidence, 'The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?'" (Hebrews 13:5b-6, NLT). And finally, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. And the one sitting on the throne said, 'Look, I am making everything new!' And then he said to me, 'Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.'" (Revelation 21:4-5).
My testimony? All to Jesus, I surrender…and it is an ongoing process. I have a long way to go, and I am thankful he is patient.
My life wasn't perfect, but I enjoyed my life with Jesus and me. Jesus was my anchor and hope through years of counseling, both professional and biblical, as I processed wounds from growing up in domestic violence and abuse. He healed so many wounds. I didn't think I had "arrived" anywhere, but neither did I realize the depth of the wounds nor how deep-seated the lies and curses spoken over me were planted.
The desire to marry never went away, but I wasn't sitting around waiting for it to happen. Then, at 51, I got married. However, it quickly turned into an emotionally destructive relationship. I know now that marriage would have brought out my unhealed trauma no matter what and that a healthy marriage can help in the healing process. My destructive marriage almost destroyed me.
I usually don't go "there" on social media, but I was encouraged by a friend to get real. I want to pull the curtain back on my social media life's "highlight reel" and testify to what the Lord is currently doing. Life can throw things we never imagined would be part of our story. Losses. Heartaches. Pits of despair. But God! He is not taken by surprise; if we allow him to do so, he can work it all out for our good.
Over the years, I have prayed for friends and family who have walked this road. I have prayed for the reconciliation of many marriages. It takes three: Jesus, the husband, and the wife. I have rejoiced with those who reconciled and grieved with many who did not.
Divorce, as unwanted as it was, became a part of my story in 2024. My brief marriage ended. Toward the end, I gave up praying and asking God to fix what was broken in my marriage: my pieces and his pieces. Others continued to pray for reconciliation earnestly, but it didn't happen. I was beyond devastated. I felt the judgment of others and became very fearful of where more judgment or rejection awaited me. Other than the rejection of my husband, the most hurtful was being told I ruined my testimony for Christ. As my world was collapsing, I already believed this. It was confirmation that I was a complete failure. There were so many tear-filled nights that I wished I would not wake up in the morning.
My ability to trust God, others, and myself has taken a severe hit. I still don't always know where I belong and tend to isolate myself. Rejection is painful so it makes sense to self-protect through isolation, right? Not really. People will judge, and isolation is more painful than risking trusting others with your heart ... including the ugly parts of your story. Isolation only deepened my confusion, pain, and fear of trusting.
Today, there are more good days than bad days. In the end, some friendships have been forever changed. Some have ended. But I have a small core group of friends (30+ years strong) here. They know me well, my faults and all. I don't fear being known or rejected. They help me not to isolate myself. I also have supportive family members and a wonderful small group of friends in my home away from home. I actively participate in faith-based ministries focusing on biblical forgiveness, healing, and building my core strength in Jesus.
What I am learning:
- Healing is more likely to be found in the community.
- It's okay to be slow to trust and engage with others.
- Not everyone will understand, agree with, or support my decisions.
- How to create healthy boundaries.
- How do I recognize the unhealthy, unhealed trauma from my childhood that draws me into unhealthy relationships, friendships included?
- To look to Christ alone for my identity.
- To take my thoughts captive.
- To hope again.
- The end of my marriage does not define me.
- The end of my marriage does not mean God won't use me again.
- Most importantly, the end of my marriage doesn't mean I have ruined my testimony for Christ, for it is only Christ who is getting me through the heartache and pain of so much rejection and loss.
I am blessed, and I know it. God is faithful. God is my Healer. And God sent his Son, Jesus, to save me. These truths brought me through so much before my divorce and will carry me through this trial and whatever trials await in the future.
In God's Word, we are told, "I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33, NLT) And to "Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you." (1 Peter 5:7, NLT). And that "I will never fail you. I will never abandon you. So we can say with confidence, 'The LORD is my helper, so I will have no fear. What can mere people do to me?'" (Hebrews 13:5b-6, NLT). And finally, "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever. And the one sitting on the throne said, 'Look, I am making everything new!' And then he said to me, 'Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.'" (Revelation 21:4-5).
My testimony? All to Jesus, I surrender…and it is an ongoing process. I have a long way to go, and I am thankful he is patient.
About Jennifer:
She is simply God's girl who is compelled by his love and overwhelmed by his grace.
Contact: [email protected]
She is simply God's girl who is compelled by his love and overwhelmed by his grace.
Contact: [email protected]
How do You Identify Interference within Your Organization By Cheryl Scanlan
Have you ever experienced a moment where you couldn’t think clearly to get to a decision or to speak intelligibly on a subject or perhaps to represent yourself accurately in a potentially threatening environment?
You might be experiencing what I call “Interference.” This article is intended to help the leader become more aware of interference thinking that impedes their ability to lead courageously, decisively and compassionately.
When experiencing interference, the leader is having an internal monologue over things such as how best to lead the team, over issues of responsibility, even over simple things like how to stay present during a meeting. They are distracted by self-talk and inner messages that keep them from trusting the truth and their wisdom.
“All too often, our self-talk is filled with frustration (“How can I possibly get this done?”); disgust (“I can’t wait to get through this!”); pessimism (“Nothing works out!”); and apathy (“Whatever!”). Think of the self-talk of the perfectionist: Nothing is ever good enough and any falling short of (lofty) goals is failure. Some of the most damaging self-talk I’ve heard is from perfectionists: “I’m such an idiot!” and “I can’t do anything right!” Brett Steenberger, Self-Leadership and Success Forbes
These inner messages can be so deep and subtle that instead of saying “I feel negative” the leader acts in negative ways.
This is not to say that all interference is disruptive. There are times when you will have an inner nudge that tells you something is not right or you need to pay attention, make a change or an adjustment. That’s fine. The trouble starts when interference begins to taunt you, accuse you or act like a drill sergeant.
How does a leader address Interference?
Interference Awareness is understanding how interference of thoughts, ideas, beliefs or attitudes conflict with your leadership and the untethered execution of best practices. It shows up as insecurity, bully talk, inner critic committees, reactions to childhood trauma or prior disappointment. Like the double bind, without confronting interference, a situation has no resolution and little or no successful outcome.
Most leaders who are experiencing interference don’t have the awareness they need to address it. They think the behavior is a part of their natural ability or they write it off as just the way they do things. They may also consider it a part of an ingrained disposition, in which they are partially right.
Interference can be ingrained however, there is a good chance it’s based on a faulty concept or attitude that is usually a part of a cause and effect experience. Meaning, something happened that caused a leader to think or feel a certain way. If a leader experienced rejection early in his life or in his career, he may be left with the need to drive himself/herself extra hard to prove his worth or value to avoid more rejection.
Or, if a leader needs to be the hero, she may have trouble delegating and releasing responsibility to her team because she thinks she’s the one expected to accomplish the big wins. Take a moment to think about that. Imagine how heavy that would feel and how being a hero could weigh on her like an anchor.
Interference Awareness may be a close cousin to the double bind theory. A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, with one negating the other.
This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation. (Double Bind Wikipedia)
I describe a successful outcome as congruency between inner values and outer execution.
Interference Awareness Connection to EQ
It’s easy to miss Interference because its subtle in nature and often occurs beneath the surface. In fact, on the surface, interference may look like success but underneath, it is crazy making for the leader and the team.
As in Emotional Intelligence, it’s important for the leader to have a level of self-awareness when it comes to Interference.
Brandon Cooper, author of The Emotional Intelligence Bible describes self-awareness as the ability to recognize ones’ feelings as they are being experienced and the consequences of those feelings.
Interference Awareness is not only the ability to be self-aware when interference is happening. It’s also the ability to understand where it’s coming from, how it is disrupting progress and how to eliminate it.
Three Examples of Interference
1. Driver Interference When interference shows up as a driver, it pushes you to go at a non-stop pace day and night. You are on a treadmill that never shuts off and you must keep running so that things don’t fall apart or to prove your worth. If you start to feel insecure or unworthy, you hit that faster button and drive harder, longer, faster. Some leaders fall to their deaths trying to please or satisfy the driver interference voice in their heads.
A businessman who I knew to be an overwhelming success by any standard, drove himself by chasing more and more success. He came from a very poor family, his father abandoned the family and left them with nothing. His father married another woman and started a new family. As a boy, this man would watch his father with his new family from across the street. He developed the belief that if he could be as successful as his dad, then his dad would love him. The problem was his dad died and never acknowledged this man as his son, yet he still drove himself by incessantly seeking his approval. A friend of his came along and asked him when was he going to stop trying to prove himself to a dead man (his father)? With that question, something opened up for this man. He realized the irrationality of his actions and how he’d been taking time away from his family to accrue more money, prestige and accomplishments when he had more than enough.
With this awareness, he completely changed the way he worked. He took back his power. The driver interference was no longer allowed to drive him to prove anything to himself or to a father who had passed on.
Is that voice still there? Absolutely, but it no longer has authority.
2. Qualifier Interference The message of interference as a qualifier tells you that you need to do things to qualify your existence. This can come out as people pleasing, inner and outer competition, the inability to acknowledge or celebrate others because if they are right then you must be wrong. The biggest danger of the qualifier interference is it makes you vulnerable to making decisions that are not in the best interest of your team or your company and it’s never satisfied.
One example comes from a CEO I worked with who had the reputation of knowing everything. Somewhere along the way, he had decided he was not ‘qualified’ for a job unless he was the smartest one on the job. The results were simultaneously complimentary to him and disastrous for the business. His key leaders constantly plagued him with questions for which he always had an answer, breeding lack of confidence within his team. He had not been able to figure out how to empower his team. When the qualifier interference was confronted, the CEO’s eyes lit up! He came to understand that the need to be the “answer man” (such a subtle, subconscious position) he had created for himself, was stunting growth for the business.
The more the qualifier interrupts you, the more you will give it permission to operate. The qualifier may cause you to compromise your values and to send mixed messages to your team. They won’t believe in what you value because your actions show the opposite of your words.
3. Blocker Interference The purpose of the blocker interference is to keep you from moving forward. It creates or allows an atmosphere of obstacles as a routine part of the work you do.
I once worked with a manager who was so consumed by the blocker that she would sabotage the good progress her team made and slow them down to the point of failure at times. She blocked their good ideas, she blocked the things they did that created more successful outcomes, she created chaos in her division so that they were always problem solving instead of moving forward. Why? She felt more comfortable as a problem solver than a successful leader. When she gave a report to her leaders, she would tell them about the things going wrong in her division and how she was working to fix it. She limited her whole division because she was not aware how blocker interference impacted her team. She turned inward and listened to the blocker because her leadership was self-focused, instead of team focused.
Again, imagine with me the inner state of that manager. Imagine how she blocked her own growth. It’s an exhausting way to work and to live. In time, that manager lost her job because of the poor performance of her team and her division. To this day, she continues to struggle for success after 30 years in leadership.
The more the blocker interference drives behavior, the more energy is spent on creating a protective environment around the leader which, as is the case with qualifier or driver, will begin to impede progress in the business.
The read the original article. Read more on our blog here! Have questions about where to start with C3 Advantage? We’d love to talk with you!
You might be experiencing what I call “Interference.” This article is intended to help the leader become more aware of interference thinking that impedes their ability to lead courageously, decisively and compassionately.
When experiencing interference, the leader is having an internal monologue over things such as how best to lead the team, over issues of responsibility, even over simple things like how to stay present during a meeting. They are distracted by self-talk and inner messages that keep them from trusting the truth and their wisdom.
“All too often, our self-talk is filled with frustration (“How can I possibly get this done?”); disgust (“I can’t wait to get through this!”); pessimism (“Nothing works out!”); and apathy (“Whatever!”). Think of the self-talk of the perfectionist: Nothing is ever good enough and any falling short of (lofty) goals is failure. Some of the most damaging self-talk I’ve heard is from perfectionists: “I’m such an idiot!” and “I can’t do anything right!” Brett Steenberger, Self-Leadership and Success Forbes
These inner messages can be so deep and subtle that instead of saying “I feel negative” the leader acts in negative ways.
This is not to say that all interference is disruptive. There are times when you will have an inner nudge that tells you something is not right or you need to pay attention, make a change or an adjustment. That’s fine. The trouble starts when interference begins to taunt you, accuse you or act like a drill sergeant.
How does a leader address Interference?
Interference Awareness is understanding how interference of thoughts, ideas, beliefs or attitudes conflict with your leadership and the untethered execution of best practices. It shows up as insecurity, bully talk, inner critic committees, reactions to childhood trauma or prior disappointment. Like the double bind, without confronting interference, a situation has no resolution and little or no successful outcome.
Most leaders who are experiencing interference don’t have the awareness they need to address it. They think the behavior is a part of their natural ability or they write it off as just the way they do things. They may also consider it a part of an ingrained disposition, in which they are partially right.
Interference can be ingrained however, there is a good chance it’s based on a faulty concept or attitude that is usually a part of a cause and effect experience. Meaning, something happened that caused a leader to think or feel a certain way. If a leader experienced rejection early in his life or in his career, he may be left with the need to drive himself/herself extra hard to prove his worth or value to avoid more rejection.
Or, if a leader needs to be the hero, she may have trouble delegating and releasing responsibility to her team because she thinks she’s the one expected to accomplish the big wins. Take a moment to think about that. Imagine how heavy that would feel and how being a hero could weigh on her like an anchor.
Interference Awareness may be a close cousin to the double bind theory. A double bind is an emotionally distressing dilemma in which an individual (or group) receives two or more conflicting messages, with one negating the other.
This creates a situation in which a successful response to one message results in a failed response to the other (and vice versa), so that the person will automatically be wrong regardless of response. The double bind occurs when the person cannot confront the inherent dilemma, and therefore can neither resolve it nor opt out of the situation. (Double Bind Wikipedia)
I describe a successful outcome as congruency between inner values and outer execution.
Interference Awareness Connection to EQ
It’s easy to miss Interference because its subtle in nature and often occurs beneath the surface. In fact, on the surface, interference may look like success but underneath, it is crazy making for the leader and the team.
As in Emotional Intelligence, it’s important for the leader to have a level of self-awareness when it comes to Interference.
Brandon Cooper, author of The Emotional Intelligence Bible describes self-awareness as the ability to recognize ones’ feelings as they are being experienced and the consequences of those feelings.
Interference Awareness is not only the ability to be self-aware when interference is happening. It’s also the ability to understand where it’s coming from, how it is disrupting progress and how to eliminate it.
Three Examples of Interference
1. Driver Interference When interference shows up as a driver, it pushes you to go at a non-stop pace day and night. You are on a treadmill that never shuts off and you must keep running so that things don’t fall apart or to prove your worth. If you start to feel insecure or unworthy, you hit that faster button and drive harder, longer, faster. Some leaders fall to their deaths trying to please or satisfy the driver interference voice in their heads.
A businessman who I knew to be an overwhelming success by any standard, drove himself by chasing more and more success. He came from a very poor family, his father abandoned the family and left them with nothing. His father married another woman and started a new family. As a boy, this man would watch his father with his new family from across the street. He developed the belief that if he could be as successful as his dad, then his dad would love him. The problem was his dad died and never acknowledged this man as his son, yet he still drove himself by incessantly seeking his approval. A friend of his came along and asked him when was he going to stop trying to prove himself to a dead man (his father)? With that question, something opened up for this man. He realized the irrationality of his actions and how he’d been taking time away from his family to accrue more money, prestige and accomplishments when he had more than enough.
With this awareness, he completely changed the way he worked. He took back his power. The driver interference was no longer allowed to drive him to prove anything to himself or to a father who had passed on.
Is that voice still there? Absolutely, but it no longer has authority.
2. Qualifier Interference The message of interference as a qualifier tells you that you need to do things to qualify your existence. This can come out as people pleasing, inner and outer competition, the inability to acknowledge or celebrate others because if they are right then you must be wrong. The biggest danger of the qualifier interference is it makes you vulnerable to making decisions that are not in the best interest of your team or your company and it’s never satisfied.
One example comes from a CEO I worked with who had the reputation of knowing everything. Somewhere along the way, he had decided he was not ‘qualified’ for a job unless he was the smartest one on the job. The results were simultaneously complimentary to him and disastrous for the business. His key leaders constantly plagued him with questions for which he always had an answer, breeding lack of confidence within his team. He had not been able to figure out how to empower his team. When the qualifier interference was confronted, the CEO’s eyes lit up! He came to understand that the need to be the “answer man” (such a subtle, subconscious position) he had created for himself, was stunting growth for the business.
The more the qualifier interrupts you, the more you will give it permission to operate. The qualifier may cause you to compromise your values and to send mixed messages to your team. They won’t believe in what you value because your actions show the opposite of your words.
3. Blocker Interference The purpose of the blocker interference is to keep you from moving forward. It creates or allows an atmosphere of obstacles as a routine part of the work you do.
I once worked with a manager who was so consumed by the blocker that she would sabotage the good progress her team made and slow them down to the point of failure at times. She blocked their good ideas, she blocked the things they did that created more successful outcomes, she created chaos in her division so that they were always problem solving instead of moving forward. Why? She felt more comfortable as a problem solver than a successful leader. When she gave a report to her leaders, she would tell them about the things going wrong in her division and how she was working to fix it. She limited her whole division because she was not aware how blocker interference impacted her team. She turned inward and listened to the blocker because her leadership was self-focused, instead of team focused.
Again, imagine with me the inner state of that manager. Imagine how she blocked her own growth. It’s an exhausting way to work and to live. In time, that manager lost her job because of the poor performance of her team and her division. To this day, she continues to struggle for success after 30 years in leadership.
The more the blocker interference drives behavior, the more energy is spent on creating a protective environment around the leader which, as is the case with qualifier or driver, will begin to impede progress in the business.
The read the original article. Read more on our blog here! Have questions about where to start with C3 Advantage? We’d love to talk with you!
About Cheryl Scanlan
Cheryl Scanlan, MCC, CMCC, BCC is president of C3Advantage. She has worked with CEOs that are in Fortune 100 through next generation small business owners. Having also run a multi-million dollar firm in New York, Cheryl knows the importance of business goals and the impact of teams. Cheryl's thought partnering method helps leaders see clearly what is fuzzy, articulate what is currently unintelligible, and generate coherent and executable strategy.
Email: [email protected] • www.CherylScanlan.com
Cheryl Scanlan, MCC, CMCC, BCC is president of C3Advantage. She has worked with CEOs that are in Fortune 100 through next generation small business owners. Having also run a multi-million dollar firm in New York, Cheryl knows the importance of business goals and the impact of teams. Cheryl's thought partnering method helps leaders see clearly what is fuzzy, articulate what is currently unintelligible, and generate coherent and executable strategy.
Email: [email protected] • www.CherylScanlan.com
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Kathy and I have had the pleasure of working with Kris of The Single Network Ministries at several events over the past three years. We always look forward to her insight and creative ways to connect with her audience sharing the Word of God with encouragement, humor and just being real. You will want to catch her for sure the next time she is in your area. Her sense of humor is a hoot and infectious.
—Kathy and Klay Watson, Dating His Way Ministries
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