Articles by Kris Swiatocho, Director The Singles Network Ministries

Articles by Kris Swiatocho, Director

Doubting Thomas by Kris Swiatocho

There are times in all our lives that we may question God. We may question if He is really there. We may question that Jesus was His son. We may question if He really cares about us and is listening to us. We may question if He loves us and why.

When I was a small child, I was very "religious." I grew up going to a Catholic church. Even though my birth father was Catholic and my brothers and I were baptized Catholic (my mom preferred not to convert from being a non-church-going Presbyterian), I was the only one who went to church. As I think back, I have tried to come up with a reason why I would choose to go to church (mass) even though none of my family went. The only thing I can come up with was church was just one more place I could talk, be creative, and build friendships. I wouldn't know it at the time, but it would create the foundation of my walk with the Lord.

From an early start in life I had always been very independent. So going to church (I would walk three blocks since the age of six) was something normal to me. I liked it, so I went. But there is something else I remember: I would learn to not only have reverence for my Holy God, but I was to fear Him, too. I was aware of when I did something bad that God would not be happy with me, but it would be many years before I would ask the Lord into my heart and receive salvation. Years before I understood why I feared God and why I needed to be "saved." This fear of God would lead to a relationship of doubt. A relationship of rules and regulations. A relationship of worry if I didn't follow the rules. A relationship where I was the child and God was the parent, waiting to strike me down, spank me or hurt me. I would grow in my relationship not really understanding His love for me. I would grow wanting God to prove Himself to me. I had become a doubting Thomas.

As the years passed, I would fall away from the Lord, stop going to church, and get into all sorts of trouble. I would spend several years chasing whatever that I thought would lead to happiness--whether it was wealth, fame, pleasure, or relationships, I was on the fast track. But like all fast tracks, they lead you in a circle, a wreck or sometimes death. Yes, mine would lead to a death, a death of my old life with the birth of a new life in Christ. But despite where Christ had saved me from, despite all the blessings of a new life, new direction, and new peace, etc., I would still have days of unbelief. Days where I just wasn't sure if God was God. Days that I wish He would just show up and I could touch Him. I could put my own fingers in His side. For sure, then I would then believe. If I could just touch Him, I would never not believe again. Or would I?

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came. So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe." Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name (John 20:24-31).

What I Have Learned from Thomas:
1. Thomas was a leader.
We know from earlier scripture that Thomas was a tax collector (Matthew 10:3). No doubt he was used to dealing with people. He was used to hearing every type of excuse and problem in relation to people paying their taxes. We also know from earlier scripture that Thomas was the one who spoke up in reference to going back to Judea to see Lazarus (John 11:16). Thomas also spoke at the Last Supper, making reference that he did not know where Christ was going (John 14:5). So, we can deduct from this that Thomas was not afraid to speak his mind or ask questions. He was not afraid to go or do what he thought was best at the time. This is probably why we don't see him with the other disciples in this specific verse. Thomas' ability to speak on his own and ask questions shows his leadership. It would be needed down the road as he traveled to share the news about Christ.

Thomas taught me that a good leader speaks up. A good leader is willing to take chances in what he may say and the responses that come from it.

Now Thomas (called Didymus), one of the Twelve, was not with the disciples when Jesus came (John 20:24).

2. Thomas showed me that it's normal to doubt, but we need to use this doubt to believe.
Sometimes we want to knock Thomas upside the head. I mean, shoot, Jesus has been there with you these three years, healing, performing miracles, changing lives, etc., and you still don't believe. What is wrong with you, Thomas? But, what is wrong with us? How are we different than Thomas? Yes, they may have had the son of God in front of them, but we have the testimony of many men and women for two thousand years. We have our own lives and what Christ has done. We have the Holy Spirit. Then why do we doubt? Because it is human nature. The world constantly pulls at us. The world says, "Believe me, believe in yourself, believe in your car, your checking account, your family, your, your. ..." This constant pull toward the world pull us from the Savior. The more our minds are full of the world, the less they are full of the Savior. It only makes sense that we would then start to doubt or question.

Sometimes our doubt comes from the past. Like in my case, I never understood unconditional love. Between what I was being taught in church to my birth father, who was an army man (I was his little soldier), my life was full of rules. It would take a new father on earth (my mom would marry a wonderful Christian man) and one in heaven to redirect and renew my thinking. It is a process that I am still in to this day. To take all the lies from my past and turn them to truth. Acknowledging the goal of the devil with the goal of the Lord.

People ask me, how do you know the will of the Lord? When I notice my doubting starts to creep in, sin starts to show up, fear starts to overtake ... I have allowed His will to be overshadowed. It is only when I seek Him EVERY DAY that I am able to hear from the Lord for what He wants me to do, His will. Don't allow your doubt to make your heart hard, produce stubbornness and pride.

So the other disciples told him, "We have seen the Lord!" But he said to them, "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it" (John 20:25).

The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full (John 10:10).
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will (Romans 12:2).

3. God's timing is perfect for what He is doing. He wants us to learn to have confident patience.
A week had passed since Thomas heard that Jesus had appeared. He had stated that he would not believe "Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and put my finger where the nails were, and put my hand into his side, I will not believe it." Of course, I would be like, "OK, Thomas, let's go find Jesus so you can see that he's real." But this didn't happen. Instead, a week would pass and Thomas didn't get to see or touch Jesus.

What I love about this period of time passing is the gift the other disciples got that Thomas didn't get. Thomas said he wouldn't believe unless he could touch Jesus himself. Wow, then a whole week passed where perhaps the other disciples were sharing their experiences of seeing Jesus. Can you imagine what it must have been like? To begin with, this might have only aggravated Thomas' doubt. I mean, "Jesus, if you are real, then show up right now and give me a job, find me a spouse, fix my relationship, give me money. Jesus if you are really God's son turn these stones into ... umm." Yikes! What have I become? Who does that sound like?
God's timing is perfect. Jesus wants us to learn to have confident patience for what He wants to show us in His timing. He wants us to have everything in His will for our lives. But everything needs to be for His purpose, not ours. Sometimes waiting makes us even more frustrated and impatient. This is when we need to be drawing toward Christ even more. Maybe that is what God was trying to do with Thomas. Maybe that is what He is trying to do with us.

A week later his disciples were in the house again, and Thomas was with them. Though the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, "Peace be with you!" (John 20:26).

4. When Jesus tells you to do something, you don't talk back. Just do it.
Wow, I can hear the Lord speaking to me at this very moment. It's like, "Kris, OK, you have had your little panic moment. You've allowed the world in again. You've allowed someone or something to have more truth than me. Stop! Stop! I am the Spirit of God living in you. In you! Call on me to guide, teach and direct you. Call on me to give you peace. This world gives you NOTHING! Then why do you keep going to it to fill you, complete you, and comfort you. You need proof? Think back to all the times I have loved you, protected you, provided for you, and ultimately saved you from hell. Think back to all the times you have seen me protect and love others. See me in this horrible world of selfishness shine above it. So stop, Kris! Stop doubting! I am here! I have always been here. I have not changed. Believe!"

Then he said to Thomas, "Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe" (John 20:27).

"I the LORD do not change" (Malachi 3:6).

And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well (Luke 12:29-31).

5. Thomas taught me I could believe without physically touching Jesus.
Thomas would see Jesus and as far as we know, not touch Him and would believe. So what is our proof today? Jesus died on the cross to save us. It is in the fact that He provides, protects, and loves us. That His Holy Spirit now lives in us for those who have received Christ. Why is it so important that we have Jesus in front of us? So we can touch Him? We have touched Him. We have felt His arms around us. We have eaten dinner with Him, cried with Him, and laughed with Him. God's arms are in those who love us. We are an extension of the Lord. We are his arms, hands and feet.

Thomas said to him, "My Lord and my God!" (John 20:28).
I tell you the truth, anyone who gives you a cup of water in my name because you belong to Christ will certainly not lose his reward (Mark 9:41).

6. Jesus sends hope to all of us.
I am blessed because I was not there to see Him physically. Isn't that wonderful? God acknowledges and understands that it is harder to believe because we were not there. He is giving us a blessing because we have believed. So be excited in knowing He understands. And because it is harder, He knows we may slip back to questioning. But, this questioning can lead to a desire to know the Lord more.

Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed" (John 20:29).

7. We have Jesus' Word, His witnesses and His Spirit to believe.
Jesus did all he did so that we would believe. God recorded this to help the future generations. On top of that, we have the Holy Spirit to guide us, give us hope, peace, encouragement, etc. And God continues to use others as witnesses on this earth. For the Lord wants all to come to know Him. Now it is our turn to be His arms and feet to help others to believe.

Jesus did many other miraculous signs in the presence of his disciples, which are not recorded in this book. But these are written that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name (John 20:30-31).

This is good, and pleases God our Savior, who wants all men to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth (1 Timothy 2:3-4).

But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth. He will not speak on his own; he will speak only what he hears, and he will tell you what is yet to come (John 16:13).

God would show me then and now that even though, due to life circumstances, I may still doubt, it is a way to bring me back to Him, to His arms, to His presence. Sometimes I have hard time believing that He loves me as I am with all my cracks and scars. That He loves me unconditionally. That nothing I can do can take that love away from me. If I only get that in my head and start to believe, I could change the world though Christ. I am getting there, one day at a time. Are you? Let your doubt deepen your faith and draw you closer to the Savior.

I give them eternal life, and they shall never perish; no one can snatch them out of my hand (John 10:28).

Friendationship by Kris Swiatocho

The Urban Dictionary says that Friendationship is “the state of a relationship wherein the two people are clearly ‘more than friends’ but won't admit or don't know if they are a ‘couple’ or not.” There are several people online that say they coined the word including a good friend of mine who is a successful singer and writer. Several years ago I was sitting with her in a Dallas, TX coffeehouse (we were both in town speaking at different Churches) drinking a strong cup of decaf when I heard her talked about her friendationship. I was like, what did you just say? She went on to say you know, Christian friends with or without benefits depending on how you define it. You are somewhere between a friendship and a committed relationship. You aren't going forward or backward. You are somewhat stuck. She had decided she wanted out. She was tired of this in between place. She wanted more.
So why would anyone want to be in a friendationship? Why would anyone want to be stuck? Why would anyone want to be in a relationship whether friend or romantic without knowing where you stand and where you are going? I decided to do some research on the subject. I was so amazed at how many people are in these relationships. But my question to all of them was... why?

Here are some of their answers:
1. “Being in the middle is safe.” So many singles are afraid to take the next step in their relationship. Part of this is because if you are a Christian and are in a committed relationship, the next step should be marriage. For some, they are simply not ready. So instead, they stay in this middle of road, the safe place. The place where there is no real responsibility.

Biblically, Christians have no reason to casually date. We should either engage in friendship or in courtship for marriage. This does not mean that every person that you have a commitment relationship with you will marry. It just simply means there is no middle of the road. You are either just friends or dating for the purpose of seeking marriage. You both know and understand where you are in the relationship. You are trusting the Lord for your friendship and where it might lead.

Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.

Colossians 3:23
Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for human masters... Proverbs 16:3
Commit to the LORD whatever you do, and your plans will succeed.

Psalm 37: 3-7
Trust in the Lord and do good; dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him and he will do this: He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn, the justice of your cause like the noonday sun. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him.

2. “I can enjoy the benefits... without the commitment.”
Doesn't this kind of thinking reflect a life without Christ? I couldn't believe that people actually would admit this to me. But for some, their walk is either weak or they simply do not care about the other person. This has to be one of the most selfish ways to live. From my own experience, I think being alone is so hard that people are willing to take anything beyond a friendship (hopefully without having sex) to get their needs met.
I know this firsthand because I have been in my own friendationship. I loved the attention I was getting: the back rubs, hand holding, tickling and touching, sitting close on the couch - plus special presents at birthdays and Christmas. How about the trips home to see the parents, disclosure of personal information, and staying over-night at each others home? Of course there are questions and comments from friends: “When are you guys going to get serious and make a real commitment?” At the same time, there are those who assume you are dating and wonder when the wedding date is.

But where is God in this? Do we not see how this type of relationship is not only ungodly but also all about me? When you truly care about another person, you are "other focused." You want the best for them, not yourself.

Matthew 5:28
But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

1 Corinthians 13: 4-7
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

1 Corinthians 7: 8-9
Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.

3. “I wasn’t aware that I was in a friendationship!” I talked with several singles who had this type of relationship but were simply not aware it had a name. They knew they were more than friends but also knew they had not talked about being committed or a future marriage. They were simply hanging with their buddies but shared some of the romantic things you do in a committed relationship. They didn't think this was wrong and had no plans of changing. It was only when I shared what the Lord says that they realize maybe they need to reevaluate. Maybe they are happy where things are but perhaps their friend is hoping it gets more serious. Maybe, these girls realized, they did need to define where they were as friends so they could go forward.

Hebrews 10: 24
And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds.

2 Peter 3:14
So then, dear friends, since you are looking forward to this, make every effort to be found spotless, blameless and at peace with him.

4. “I am hoping it turns to a real commitment...towards marriage.”
Most of the people I interviewed that were in friendationships were waiting on it to change to a romantic relationship were women. They seriously thought, one day he will just change and be in love with me. In the meantime, I will allow our friendship to be a bit more. I will cook him dinner, cuddle on the couch, hold his hand, do things for him (like his laundry), be his buddy, run his errands, and so on because one day, he will realize what a great catch I am.

The problem? If he was really interested in a committed relationship you would have known it. These are the times you have to learn to guard your heart. Now, like the previous paragraph, if you are in this friendationship for selfish reasons, that is something you have to talk with God about. But for most women, they are simply in it, waiting on the man to change. In the meantime, their hearts break. And worse case, he may start actually dating someone. And who could blame him? You never asked to define your relationship and you never talked about boundaries, so you have no grounds to ask why.

Ephesians 4: 15-16
Instead, speaking the truth in love, we will grow to become in every respect the mature body of him who is the head, that is, Christ. From him the whole body, joined and held together by every supporting ligament, grows and builds itself up in love, as each part does its work.

Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

So what is the solution? DTR (Define the Relationship). I know this sounds cliché but it’s so true. I know firsthand the value of those serious talks with your friends. If you are in a friendationship, STOP. There is no value to either party, only eventual hurt and pain. Take some personal time and ask the hard questions. Remember: love like you want to be loved. Would you want someone to date you only to get some of their needs met but with no commitment?

Here are a few questions you can ask each other.
Q: How would you define our friendship?
Q: What are you expecting out of our friendship?
Q: I feel this way about you? How do you feel about me?
If you are not headed towards a committed relationship, then share some things that need to change. Be honest and let them know that you enjoyed these things but know without both of you committing to real relationship that could lead toward marriage, it's not healthy and could be dangerous. Dangerous in not only unrealistic expectations but also in where it could lead physically.
Remember, you have to guard your heart. You have to take responsibility of protecting yourself. If you both agree that marriage might be in your future, take the steps toward that. A great resource is 101 Questions To Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Norman Wright. This will help "define your relationship.” Plus, check out my site for a huge list of other resources to help define your relationship as well as personal growth.

Remember, while you are in these "friendationships" you may miss an opportunity for the right person to come along, simply because they think you are dating someone else. Or, you may be in these friendationships hoping the person will change and fall in love with you when deep down inside you know if it's going to happen, it would have already.

Next step? Practice boundaries.
I value all my friendships with men as I believe the Lord gives us specific guidance regarding opposite sex friendships. He tells us they are important because friends with the opposite sex teaches us about them which can help in ALL relationships whether work, family, friends or romantic. But because we are by God's design, created to marry for the most part, we have to be careful of our friendships. They must have boundaries. These boundaries protect not only us but the other person. These boundaries help us define our relationships, they determine the course of all friendships. By having clear boundaries we are communicating where things are. The better the communication, the better the relationship.

1 Corinthians 6:12
All things are lawful for me, but not all things are profitable. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be mastered by anything.

If all my relationships with men are clearly friendships only and not friendationships, then I will recognize when there might be "something more." And I think that is worth waiting for. Don't get ahead of God. Don't settle for something short of God's ideal plan. And for those of us who struggle with the need for physical affection, the need to do for others, for that affirmation... get a dog. Just kidding! Seriously though, I find spending extra time with my nieces and nephews (who think I am the greatest, who give big hugs) helps a lot. I find serving the Lord, serving through ministry, and helping others also fills in this need. Visit a nursing home, watch the babies at church, help fix someone’s home or go on a mission's trip and God will fill that empty heart with more love than you could imagine.

And oh, sometimes after you have had the DTR conversation, you have to have it again as time goes by. For some reason we are creatures of habit and can fall right back into the "friendationship." Don't be discouraged. Blessings as you seek God in all things, including our friendships.

The Women in Christ's Life Series:

The Men in Christ Life Series:

Dear Kris...

Dear Kris: Where are the Men? (doc)
Dear Kris: Separation Issues/Church (pdf)
Dear Kris: Need Ideas CA (pdf)
Dear Kris: I Want to Quit (pdf)
Dear Kris: Starting a Women's Ministry (pdf)
Dear Kris: Online Dating/UK (pdf)

Misc. Other Articles

"ALL" Series of Articles
Christmas Story
I Kissed Dating Hello
4 Kinds of Battles Single Encounter, Burmese Language
Do You Want to Be Married? (doc), Single Matters Magazine
Practical Tips in Online Dating
The Best Worse Date
Jesus, Single Like Me: Alone vs. Loneliness
Salt and Life in the Workplace
I Married My Mother, and Now I Want a Divorce, Single Matters Magazine
I Love/Hate About Being Single (includes spanish)
Why Should I Reconcile When It's So Painful (doc), Crosswalk.com
Gossip versus Venting (doc), Journey Christian News
Restoration (doc), Journey Christian News
Why Am I Single? (doc)Journey Christian News
4 Battles of Singleness (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine
Friendationship: Can You Be More-Than-Friends but Less-Than-Romantic? (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine, Graceful Chic Magazine
Jesus, Single Like Me: He Knew What it Feels to Be Alone (pdf), Overwhelmed Single Mom's Magazine
Singles Life: The Worse and Best Dates (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine
Being Single and Making a Difference (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine
What I Love/Hate About Being Single (doc), Crosswalk Online Magazine
Why Are You Single (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine
I Married My Mother (pdf), Crosswalk Online Magazine

Jesus, Single Like Me Series:

A Fine Line Series:
For a full list of these articles, go to Crosswalk.com

He Said, She Said Column Series:

Older printed publications:

Online Dating, Pros and Cons
Article Interview, Florida Baptist Witness, 2015

No Regular Joe
Lifeway Home Magazine, 2014

Vantage Point Article
Christian Single Magazine, Lifeway, 2006

Wisdom Article
Living Solo Magazine, 2003

Standing Up for Singles
Raleigh World, 2003

The Singles Network, Joining Forces To MInister to Singles
Christian Single Magazine, Lifeway, 2003

I first met Kris Swiatocho with The Singles Network Ministries about 3 1/2 years ago when she came to speak at my church. I was fairly new to the church and the Singles Ministry. Since then, I have had the opportunity to hear Kris speak to our Women’s Ministry, Singles Ministry, at a retreat and on two cruises. Kris has a way of sharing God’s Word in a practical way. She is a wonderful example of the boldness we should seek in Christ. I lead groups using her studies as well as the 4th Sunday “Pray for a Mate” time. I have found the studies to be thought provoking for great discussions in my groups as well as personal growth.
—Quaye Berry, Singles Ministry Leader, Tulsa, OK