Intentional Relationships: Can You Really Be Friends with the Opposite Sex?by Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles
Is it possible to be friends with someone of the opposite sex? For some, they say “yes,” and for others, a resounding “no.” So why would you think that it’s not possible? Recently, I was a part of a chat discussion about this topic. I was amazed at the numerous comments made. Women, for the most part, had no issues with being friends with men. They could see the value of building a friendship that may or may not lead to romance. They saw the relationship as one in which they could learn about men and ask some of those awkward and challenging questions. They also valued friends with married men, especially when they were friends with the men before they got married. Conversely, the men felt it was harder for them to be friends. They often see a woman as a potential date, someone of romantic interest that may or may not lead to marriage. For them, being friends with a woman fell into two categories: sister (thinking of her as a biological sibling—and you will know you are one when they start calling you “sis” or “sister”), romance, and nothing in between. They shared that they have tunnel vision and have difficulty seeing her as “just a friend,” which may or may not lead to anything other than friendship. And, of course, we had some exceptions. A few women felt the same way as the guys and vice versa. So, what is the correct answer? Is it possible to be friends and nothing else? Friends that continue to build deeper relationships with each other, only for growing in the Lord without any romantic intentions. I say “Yes”. Why? Because I have them. Now, don’t get me wrong, I hear ya guys. I know many men may say to me, well, Kris, you can do it because you are a woman, but we are in pursuit of a dating relationship, and we are either hot or cold. So, while you think you are great friends with one of us, in absolute truth, you are only great friends with the ones who don’t see you as a potential mate. But isn’t that ok? This way, I can just focus on the friendship without the concern of them like me in a romantic way, especially if I don’t feel the same way. I think so. In our Bible study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, Chapter 9 discusses friendship with the same and oppositive sex friends. We also talked about the types of friendships to avoid. Jesus was an opponent of friendships with women: The women in Jesus’ life not only spent time with Him, but they also supported His ministry. Jesus had direct conversations with them, gave them advice, and comforted them in times of sorrow. “And also some women who had been cured of evil spirits and diseases: Mary (called Magdalene) from whom seven demons had come out; Joanna the wife of Chuza, the manager of Herod’s household; Susanna; and many others. These women were helping to support them out of their own means.” – Luke 8:2-3 “As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said.” – Luke 10:38-39 Jesus taught us the value of opposite-sex friends: • You learn about the other gender. For example, why do men like to drive long distances without stopping? Are they in competition with other men? Is there a website where you post the winners? What about women? Why do they say I will be ready in fifteen minutes, but it’s really an hour or more? What have they been doing in the bathroom for so long? Why is it a requirement to go to public bathrooms in twos? • It helps you set and practice boundaries. We talk about this in chapter 7. • You develop your ability to communicate with the opposite sex. • You can learn how to care for someone for who they are without a hidden romantic agenda. • It can reveal what you need to change in your life. It can expose things like personal motives and habits that get in your way with the opposite sex. • When you focus on building healthy opposite-sex friendships, they can develop into healthy romantic relationships. Here is the key to having opposite-sex friends: • You will need boundaries, especially so no one misunderstands your intentions. I am sure Jesus had many boundaries as he was a single man who probably had lots of mothers wishing he would marry their daughters. Jesus had a different future that would not include a wife. Can you imagine how he had to be careful with touching—including hugging, being alone and seen, private conversations, etc.? He is our perfect example of setting boundaries for the protection of yourself and the gospel. • You need to communicate your feelings, especially if the other person likes you more than a friend. I am sure Jesus had many conversations with women, letting them know he was not interested in romance or marriage. He was more interested in their soul, salvation, and serving. • Pray about the person if God has brought them into your life for a specific reason. Could it be to connect them with other people, ask them to serve on your team or in your ministry, encourage and support them in the work God has called them to do or build a friendship or a friendship towards marriage? Chapter 10 of the study discusses “Intentional Friendship,” the place between a generic friendship and dating, allowing you to build a deeper friendship. When you build a deeper friendship, you can learn things about each other, allowing you to make healthy God-led decisions about going forward with dating. Dating for the purpose of marriage. We included over 650 questions to help in getting to know someone better. • Be a great friend: support, listen, build trust, keep secrets, and hold each other accountable. • Enjoy it for the season you have it. Sometimes, they move away, sometimes they get married, and it changes things (as it should), and sometimes they just end your friendship, and you don’t know why, especially when you did nothing wrong. Embrace the time God has given you, value it, learn from it, and move on to the next friendship. If you struggle with developing opposite-sex friends, first look at:
4 Friendship Hacks for Better Friendships and Datesby Pastor Dan Houk and Kris Swiatocho, co-authors of the study: Intentional Relationships For Singles
"...It is not good for man to be alone." - Genesis 2:18
1 - Ask more questions than you answer. When you ask deeper questions beyond their favorite dessert or vacation spot, you are saying, I am interested in knowing more about you. Our friendship is important to me. And if you aren’t sure what to ask, we suggest reading Chapter 10 in our study and using the 650 questions in the back of the book just to get you started. 2 - Seek advice. It demonstrates trust and respect. We need each other, especially those friends walking with the Lord, seeking Him daily, and growing in their faith. We need wise friends to hold us accountable and to reveal our blind spots. So, next time you are together, be intentional in asking for their advice. 3 - Pursue them. It shows love and care. Anything worth having requires pursuit. We have no problem pursuing the things of this world that are temporal, such as our homes, education, career, money, our bodies, and unhealthy relationships. However, pursuing what God desires can be difficult, especially when it involves the heart. No one wants to be rejected. Pray and ask God who He would have you pursue and for what reason. Ask Him how to do it that would honor Him and the other person. 4 - And encourage them with compliments, laughter, and support. Encouragement and support can go a long way when they're sincere. It can lift you out of a bad funk, reveal the truth of your identity in Christ, and be used as a weapon against the enemy. And hey, it doesn’t hurt to add a joke here or there in the midst. We can all be a little more intentional. Romans 15:13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope. For more information on Kris Swiatocho and Dan Houk and the Intentional Relationships For Singles, please go to www.IntentionalRelationshipSolutions.org The Women in Christ's Life Series:
The Women in Christ's Life: Mary...Sister of Martha
Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: The Woman Who No Stone Cast Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: The Woman Who Bled Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: Martha....sister of Mary Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: The Woman at the Well Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: Mary Magdalene Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: Anna the Prophetess Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Women in Christ's Life: Mary, Mother of Jesus Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ Life Series:
The Men in Christ's Life: Healing of a Demon Possessed Man (pdf)
Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Thomas Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Peter Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: The Calling of Matthew Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Father of a Boy with an Evil Spirit Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Zacchaeus Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Blind Bartimaeus Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Gospel BondServant The Men in Christ's Life: The Man at the Healing Pool Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Lazarus..Friend of Jesus Crosswalk.com Online Magazine The Men in Christ's Life: Joseph...Step-Dad of Jesus Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Lifeway Magazine "Home Life" Printing Dear Kris...
Dear Kris: Where are the Men? (doc)
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Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: Leadership by Legacy (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: Leadership by Compassion (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: Leadership by Discipleship (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: Leadership by Stewardship (pdf) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: Building Your Ministry (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me: He Modeled Leadership (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me Series: He Rested (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me Series: He Understood Loss (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Singles Like Me Series: He was Grateful (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me Series: He Dwelt with Temptation (pdf) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me Series: Friendships That Don't Lead to Marriage (pdf) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Jesus, Single Like Me Series: Jesus Knows What Its Like to Feel Alone (pdf) (Español) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Voted Top 10 Article for August 2010 Jesus, Single Like Me Series: He took care of his family too (pdf) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine Jesus..Single Like Me Series: Purpose (pdf) Crosswalk.com Online Magazine A Fine Line Series:
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General Articles/Relationships
He Said, She Said Column Series:
How to Move On When Your Ex Already Has (doc)
Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young How to Avoid Be Led On (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young When You Feel Like No One Will Ever Like You Back (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young What to Do When Someone You Like Is Dating Someone Else (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young How to Date in Today's Culture Without Online Dating (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young Will God Tell You Who To Marry? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should a Woman Make the First Move? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do When You're Not Attracted to Your Significant Other Anymore (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do When Rejection is Unclear (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is There Such a Thing as a Biblical Age Gap?(doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should You Give Money to Someone You Just Started Dating?(doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is Kissing before Marriage Really a Sin? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do When Feelings Fizzle Out (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Handle Flirtation without Being Led On (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What You Need to Know About Online Dating (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Deal with a Breakup When You're Still in Love (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is It Normal to be Scared before Marriage? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What Does It Mean to Guard Your Heart? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Be Single When All Your Friends Are Married (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Do You Move on from a Broken Engagement? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How To Respond to Unrequited Love? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Long Should You Wait to Tell Someone You Like Them? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What if My Parents Don’t Like Who I am Dating? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do when Pornography is the Third Wheel in the Relationship (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is it a Sin to Marry a Divorced Person? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should the Guy Always Take the Lead in the Relationship? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Long Should You Wait Before You Date Someone Who is Divorced? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Cope with Singleness in your Thirties (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should You Pursue Someone Who isn't Interested Initially? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: When Dating Someone Who is Separated a Bad Idea (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: hWhat to Do when Pornography is the Third Wheel in the Relationship (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What Happens if an Adulterer Apologizes (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Listen to my Parents Dating Advice (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Are We Punished for the Wrongs of Others (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Does One Date like a Christian (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Do Adults Really Have to Honor and Obey Their Parents (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Pursue a Relationship at the Risk of Losing a Friendship (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Are My Standards Too High for Finding Love (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is It Foolish to Date a Brand New Christian (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What are Helpful Resources for a Long Distance Relationship (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Move On After a Broken Heart (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Can I Ever Trust a Man Who Cheats (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Will I Know if My Dreams are from God? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Be Single When All Your Friends Are Married (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Can I Be Friends with the Opposite Sex? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Why Is It So Hard to Find Ambitious Women? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is It Possible to Be Addicted to Love? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do When Your Best Isn't Good Enough (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Decipher Mixed Signals (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Help, I've Been Friend-Zoned (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Do I Know if it's Time to Move On? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What If I am Living with My Boyfriend (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Can Doctrinal Difference Make You Unequally Yoked? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Make Male/Female Friendship Work (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: PDA, How Much is Too Much (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Why Aren't Single Guys Interested in Me? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is My Relationship the Problem or Just Me? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Will I Use Her Forever If I Let Her Go? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Date a Former Drug Addict? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Did God Tell You To Break Up With Me? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Afraid to Commit? Am I Selfish (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should Age Stop Me from From Pursuing a Godly Guy (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I be Friends with my Ex (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Am I Pursuing Education at the Cost of Love (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Settle For Less (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Sex After Divorce (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Sexual Sin and God's Forgiveness (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What If We Are All Flawed, Why Date At All? (doc) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How to Follow God's Lead in My Relationships (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What to Do about a Weakness for Pretty Girls (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: How Do I Date in my 40's (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Do I have the Gift of Singleness (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Not Many Dating Options (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What If My Parents Can't Forgive Me (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Date My Buddies Ex-girlfriend (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should You Marry Your Best Friend (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Honesty is the Best Policy (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: I Used to Like Being Single...What Happened? (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Red Flags in a Relationship (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is It My Fault I am Still Single (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is Kissing Before Marriage Really A Sin (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should The Man Always Initiate (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Handling Verbal Abuse (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is it a Sin to Marry A Divorced Person (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Should I Marry Without Romance or Attraction (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Can I Please My Parents and Still Be Myself? (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Can I Still Be Poor and Invest in a Relationship? (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Is Hope Clouding My Vision (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: I Can't Forgive Myself (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: I'm Too Chicken (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Will God Make a Way for Us (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: I Could Never Forgive Myself (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: What is Special About Marriage (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Remarriage (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Bi-Racial Dating Causing Problems (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Could Dreams be a Sign from God (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Women in the workplace (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: When You are Socially Awkward (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Bi-Racial Dating Causing Family Drama (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Could Dreams be a Sign from God (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine Kris Swiatocho, Cliff Young He Said, She Said: Women in the Workplace (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: When You're Socially Awkward (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: Why Can't I Find Someone My Own Age (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: Why Do I Always Go for the Non-Christian Guys (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: Play Second Fiddle to "His Ministry" (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: Trusting God with My Finances (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine He Said, She Said: When the Past Is Painful (pdf) Crosswalk Online Magazine |
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