The Singles Network Celebrates 25+ Years of Ministry
CHANGING ONE SINGLE AT A TIME! by Kris Swiatocho
End of Year Reflection & 2026 Vision
As 2025 comes to a close, we are filled with gratitude for how God has worked through The Singles Network Ministries this past year. Thank you to every church partner, ministry leader, volunteer, and supporter who has stood with us to impact the lives of single adults around the world. Together, we have continued the mission of mentoring, equipping, and building Biblical community for single adults—helping them deepen their relationship with Christ and grow in healthy, purposeful living through mentoring, resources, leadership training, and community connection.
Reflecting on 2025, we are grateful for:
• The continuing development of singles ministries across churches and communities
• Leaders strengthened through training, curriculum, and retreats
• Singles encouraged through discipleship resources, videos, and studies
• Missions and international partnerships that have taken the gospel into new places
• The faithful prayers, gifts, and partnerships that fuel this ministry
As we look to 2026, we are excited about what God has in store:
• Expanding Missions Europe 2026, continuing to support and equip singles ministry leaders overseas
• Deepening discipleship through free resources, Bible studies, and leadership development tools
• Helping more churches start and sustain healthy singles ministries
• Growing community through our annual gatherings, retreats, and virtual teaching events
• Seeing lives transformed as single adults discover their identity in Christ, build authentic community, and grow as disciples who disciple others
We trust God for what is ahead, knowing that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6).
Thank you for being part of this ministry family. Let’s continue to stand together in prayer, service, and love as we reach more singles for Christ in 2026 and beyond.
With gratitude and expectation, Kris Swiatocho, The Singles Network Ministries
Reflecting on 2025, we are grateful for:
• The continuing development of singles ministries across churches and communities
• Leaders strengthened through training, curriculum, and retreats
• Singles encouraged through discipleship resources, videos, and studies
• Missions and international partnerships that have taken the gospel into new places
• The faithful prayers, gifts, and partnerships that fuel this ministry
As we look to 2026, we are excited about what God has in store:
• Expanding Missions Europe 2026, continuing to support and equip singles ministry leaders overseas
• Deepening discipleship through free resources, Bible studies, and leadership development tools
• Helping more churches start and sustain healthy singles ministries
• Growing community through our annual gatherings, retreats, and virtual teaching events
• Seeing lives transformed as single adults discover their identity in Christ, build authentic community, and grow as disciples who disciple others
We trust God for what is ahead, knowing that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion (Philippians 1:6).
Thank you for being part of this ministry family. Let’s continue to stand together in prayer, service, and love as we reach more singles for Christ in 2026 and beyond.
With gratitude and expectation, Kris Swiatocho, The Singles Network Ministries
Who Will Continue the Legacy
I get asked this question from time to time. Kris, who are you mentoring to take your place? Who will continue traveling and speaking when you are not able to? Who will continue writing, recording, and posting videos, developing content, and running the website? Who will be the voice of singles?
While I don't know who will take my place, many are still called to minister to singles. Regularly, I meet new leaders whom God has called to start a Bible study, lead a specialty ministry such as DivorceCare, Griefshare, Pray for a Mate, or Celebrate Recovery, or start a singles ministry. Leaders with passion, drive, and a heart for reaching people for Christ.
Even though there are days I feel like Elijah in 1 Kings 19:5-18, grumbling about feeling alone in doing the work of the Lord, God reminds me that I am not alone. Many also minister to singles in various ways. See below for a partial list.
I might not have that one person who will take over The Singles Network Ministries when that day comes, but I know the work God has done through me has impacted every single person above. God says to go out and make disciples. Discipling someone comes in different degrees. It can be one-on-one, short, or long-term. It can be specified in an area of need, such as starting a ministry, developing a gift, or helping to build a team. It can also be through offering resources, training, videos, etc., to help them grow.
When the day comes that God has me stop or slow down, I know there will be others to continue with the reigns. It might not look like what I am doing, but does it matter? God is in charge of it all, and it's his ministry. The message doesn't change, but sometimes the methods and delivery do. All that is important is people who are called get trained and supported. Thank you for celebrating 20 years of full-time ministry, and let's pray for the next twenty.
While I don't know who will take my place, many are still called to minister to singles. Regularly, I meet new leaders whom God has called to start a Bible study, lead a specialty ministry such as DivorceCare, Griefshare, Pray for a Mate, or Celebrate Recovery, or start a singles ministry. Leaders with passion, drive, and a heart for reaching people for Christ.
Even though there are days I feel like Elijah in 1 Kings 19:5-18, grumbling about feeling alone in doing the work of the Lord, God reminds me that I am not alone. Many also minister to singles in various ways. See below for a partial list.
- There are leaders like Pam Kanaly and Shelley Pulliam of Arise Singles Moms Ministry, Jennifer Maggio of the Life of a Single Mom, and Dawn Vanderwerff of Single Parent Missions. There are pastors such as Jay George of Swartz Baptist, Monroe, LA; Don Munton, First Baptist, Houston, TX; Raymond Cox, First Baptist, Moore, OK; Terry Murphy, North Coast, Vista, CA; Suzanne Adams, The Grace Place, Stuart FL, Dave Shafer of Bayside Church, Sacramento, CA and Obie Dalrymple, First Baptist, O'Fallon, IL who continue to minister to singles and young adults. There are also many churches with a pastor who might oversee singles and young adult ministry without holding the title.
- Pastors such as Freddy Johnson and Tom Harris (both former singles pastors) continue to support the development of singles ministry by leading Bible studies and being a voice at associational meetings. Pastor Freddy and I co-led the National Labor Day Singles retreat in NC.
- There are writers such as my co-author of Intentional Relationships for Singles, Pastor Dan Houk, plus Henry Cloud, Kathy Batey, Laura Petherbridge, Ron Deal, Chip Ingram, Cory Nickols, Max Holt, Ben Stuart, and more who have written material that continues to reach and grow singles.
- We have some podcasters, including former singles pastor Greg Belcher and Lisa Anderson with Boundless Magazine, who focus on single adults' lives.
- There are hundreds of social media singles ministries everywhere. For example, Michelle Lynch with Single Faith, Gloria Godson with Singles Summit, Cindy Ruperto with Oasis, Darcie Decker with Saturday Night Alive, and Charles Kile with Night on the Town.
- There are hundreds of Bible study leaders such as Nate Stevens, Barbara Crotty, Malika Davis, Deborah Staudinger, James and Robin Mack, Klay and Kathy Watson, Tal Groce, and Kim Rich.
- There are also singles ministries supported by their churches led by volunteers such as Jim Arringdale, Ernest Jefferson, Lydia and Chris Jernigan, Pastor Wes Reed, Lisa Young, Cherrie and Jimmy Miles, Carrie and Larry Robinson, Brenda Senter, Jeff Sparks, Daniel Redder, Linette Garcia, and more.
- Then there are still some, besides myself, leading national retreats, such as Susie Cowan in the NW and Donna Holmes in the Midwest.
- Plus, numerous TV stations and radio stations such as The Light FM and WGGS who continue to support the singles ministry by interviewing speakers and leaders. Focus on the Family and Crosswalk also continue to support the singles ministry by featuring resources on their site.
- And we can't forget those outside the US who continue to lead, serve, and develop singles ministries. Single Friendly Church in London, UK, David King of NTCG in Birmingham, UK, Careena Gordon in Wales, Christine Kelly in Sittingbourne, UK, Bukachi Norah in Kenya, Caroline Chalkley, London, UK, Pastor Thomas Obong in Uganda, and more. (Check out my website for a long list of those ministering outside the US)
I might not have that one person who will take over The Singles Network Ministries when that day comes, but I know the work God has done through me has impacted every single person above. God says to go out and make disciples. Discipling someone comes in different degrees. It can be one-on-one, short, or long-term. It can be specified in an area of need, such as starting a ministry, developing a gift, or helping to build a team. It can also be through offering resources, training, videos, etc., to help them grow.
When the day comes that God has me stop or slow down, I know there will be others to continue with the reigns. It might not look like what I am doing, but does it matter? God is in charge of it all, and it's his ministry. The message doesn't change, but sometimes the methods and delivery do. All that is important is people who are called get trained and supported. Thank you for celebrating 20 years of full-time ministry, and let's pray for the next twenty.
The Hardest Part of Singles Ministry
Recently someone asked me what the hardest part of ministry to single adults. Is it the long hours, lack of church support, or resources? Is it the lack of understanding of what singles ministry is about? Or is it the singles themselves? While all of these parts are hard at times, the most difficult is knowing singles adults make up 54% of the population, and yet you don’t see this number in the church. And of what do you find in the church, especially over the age of 35, is primarily women. The enemy continues to attack this area of our demographic. While most churches focus on the traditional family, this family starts with two single people. And what better way to destroy the potential of two single people than to destroy the male?
- The long hours: If you start, lead, or minister in a young and singles ministry, it will take up a lot of your time. Whether you lead a Bible study, a divorce recovery ministry, a pastor of young singles, or counsel, it takes a lot of energy, preparation, and prayer. I used to think you could lead singles well part-time. However, after 30 years in this industry, it has proven very difficult. I have seen church after church add extra responsibilities to their singles’ pastor plate. With each new hat, it takes away from ministering to single and young adults. Eventually, singles ministry becomes the last thing on that pastor’s list. And when they are the last thing, eventually, the ministry is dissolved.
I have also seen volunteers working full-time trying to lead a singles ministry, only to become burned out. There are only so many hours in the day. While the passion for leading can help, leaders quickly get worn out. They must have the proper support, resources, and other leaders to succeed.
If you are a pastor, you have to talk to your church leadership and explain how important it is to be the young or singles pastor, with only a ton of other responsibilities, at least if you are going to do it well. Share with them the stats of your ministry, the hours you put in, and where the ministry has grown. Share with them the importance of the ministry and how it has changed lives. And if you are given more responsibility, especially outside of singles, it will not only hurt the singles but could eventually destroy the ministry. Also, build a team of volunteer leaders so that if you end up with more areas of responsibility, you have a group of dedicated folks to lead.
If you are a volunteer leader, focus on a few people to grow, rather than making it about numbers. Because you are limited in your time, it’s important to go slow, build a team of leaders and volunteers, and minister only in the areas most needed. The enemy would love to pressure you to reach ALL singles, but instead, focus on your personal demographic or life stage and minister there. Limit your time by setting boundaries. Please focus more on individual changed lives than on fun socials for singles. As you pour into a few and teach them to pour, this will significantly impact the kingdom. - Ignorance of singles ministry: I wrote in previous articles about the history of singles ministry, what has changed, and the lack of understanding of who we are. This is still one of the most challenging aspects of singles ministry. Most pastors and church leaders have been married their whole lives and do not know or understand what it means to be single. Are we the college-aged adults, 20-somethings, single parents, widowed, etc.? They are quickly overwhelmed with how to minister. Instead of doing research and talking to the singles in their church, they often make assumptions or the opposite and do nothing. How can anyone build or grow a ministry without first understanding their audience?
Because singles outnumber married adults, we are a vast untapped resource for the church. However, the church doesn’t seem to recognize this and isn't doing much to reach us. Reaching singles is not the same as reaching a married couple. But once you reach us because you care, it can change the church. It can grow your church in numbers, serving, tithing, and spiritual maturity. But this means you have to make an effort to reach out to us, do the work and research, and get started. - Lack of resources: Often, I heard singles leaders, as well as pastors, say, “There isn’t a budget for our ministry.” “We must raise all our funds if we want to have a Bible study or go on a retreat .” “Our church focuses on resources for the marriage ministry.” I have heard everything, good and bad, about resources. Just because you don’t have the funds or resources in singles ministry doesn’t mean you can’t minister to singles.
While there are some singles with lower incomes who may struggle to do things, such as single parents or senior single adults, I have found that people do what they want to do. They must learn to budget their money for dinner or a trip. This is an excellent opportunity to teach a Bible study on finance. Also, not all events have to cost a lot. You can host a bring-your-own lunch at the park after church or set up a movie night in your backyard, etc. Also, you can hold a fundraiser to help offset ministry expenses and provide scholarships for retreats, etc. There is always a way, from social media to yard sales to asking those with extra money to donate. Don’t let a lack of funds from your church keep you from doing some great things or serve as an excuse for not starting or growing a singles ministry. - Lack of pastor/church support: Because singles ministry appears to be going away in the church, lack of support goes hand in hand. I hear many complaints from singles and leaders who say their church will not list their events, provide a calendar on its website, or announce them in the pulpit. They feel they are forgotten and ignored, like they have leprosy. They have also said they can’t get a meeting with a pastor to share their concerns, and if they do get an appointment, nothing happens afterward. Also, the lack of support shows in the sermons, which are often focused on the traditional family. Single adults are families too. And unless that pastor dies when his spouse dies, he will be single one day too. Everyone knows at least one person who isn’t married.
So how can we get more support from our churches and pastors? By being clever, patient, and praying for God to open opportunities. It is essential that you build relationships with those who lead your church. They need to see first-hand what a single looks like, including their needs. They need time to realize this vast untapped resource in their church and community. So instead of whining to your pastor about what they are not doing for singles, offer support for what your church is focused on right now. As time passes, your leaders will see you as an asset, opening the door to conversations on how to reach singles. Continue in prayer so that your leaders become aware of this incredible demographic and what your part needs to be. - The singles themselves: Yes, one of the most challenging parts of singles ministry is ministering to the singles themselves. Their needs vary widely depending on their age and life stage. A few years ago, one of my friends, a pastor, said the ministry would be great if it weren’t for the people. Ministering to people is hard. They wear you out so quickly.
While I love to share the gospel with all people, my heart continues to reach out to singles. Because I am single myself, I know first-hand our struggles, feeling forgotten by our church and even sometimes by God. This can quickly translate into being overly needy, a complainer who lacks commitment, and a church hopper. As a result, singles can become such a problem that no one wants to minister to us, including me, at times.
However, when I do spend one-on-one time with them, coming alongside them, I see them change. I have been honored to connect singles with resources to support them on their journey, including counseling, divorce, and Celebrate Recovery ministries. I have seen singles go from being self-focused to serving God wholeheartedly. From being angry to being filled with joy. It just means there needs to be leaders within the church who recognize this and have a goal of reaching singles individually.
So, while it is tough at times, it goes back to those boundaries, focusing on a few, and praying to God on whom He wants you to focus. In my new study, Intentional Relationships for Singles, in Chapter 9, I talk about the three kinds of friends. This great chapter teaches us the types of people that need to be in our lives. This also helps to keep us from burning out with ministering to people. - Holidays and weddings: While this may not be the hardest for everyone, it has been one of the hardest for me. When I was in my twenties and thirties, it felt like I was invited to a wedding every month. I have been to 29 weddings. While I wanted to be happy for those couples, I often cried into a bucket of ice cream to escape my pain and disappointment. I wanted to be married, and it wasn’t happening. Many singles (of all ages) struggle with this desire. Why is God not answering their prayer about marriage? What is wrong with them? Why does God let Suzy Q or Bob get married and ignore them? I try to comfort and remind them that we are in a broken world, and the ratio of Christian men to women is low. That perhaps God wants them to stay single. Well, you can imagine that hits a sour note. I get it, and I know it’s hard; however, God can use us mighty ways, even if we never get married. One of the reasons I co-wrote my latest Bible study, Intentional Relationships, was to address this area. While marriage may not be the path for some singles, the issue may be the singles themselves. The study is one solution to help them figure this out.
Another area that breaks my heart is around the holidays. So many singles have no family; the family lives far away or is dysfunctional. The holidays are stressful and hurtful, and they feel very alone. They often overeat, overspend, or isolate themselves to handle the pain. I try to remind singles and marrieds to offer dinner at their homes to those with nowhere to go. An excellent ministry in Raleigh, NC, offers activities for several days during the holidays. One day, they have a picnic; another day, they serve at a mission, go on a hike, etc.
Singles need to have a family, biological or not, and feel included and loved. The more singles feel alone, the more they become alone. The more they are alone, the more they disappear. We can’t let this happen. - The enemy: The enemy not only wants to destroy the single adult (John 10:10), to steal, kill and destroy them, but also to destroy their relationships, future marriages, and their work in the Lord. He wants singles to feel defeated and discouraged and to quit church. To not truly know who they are in the Lord.
The hardest part of a singles ministry is the constant battle against the enemy and his schemes. I know his goal, and I know God’s goal. We, the church, often allow the enemy to keep us distracted and focused on what appears good but is not what is best. He keeps us overcommitted and frustrated. He doesn’t want us to learn balance or develop healthy boundaries.
So what do we do? While I could fuss at the church (and sometimes still do) and complain, I know it’s a spiritual battle. We have to pray, binding the enemy. We have to pray that God will open the eyes of the church, the pastors, and the leaders to see this fantastic resource for those who are not married. We also need to constantly ask God what our part is.
Yes, singles ministry and young adult ministry are challenging at times, but in the end, the rewards outweigh the work, the sweat, the tears, and the frustration. I wouldn’t do anything else.
Recently, I spent time with Samaritans Purse helping with Hurricane Ian relief in Florida. Sometimes we went to the same location, but our team had changed, or we went to a new site. I noticed that 75% of our team were single adults. Also, we helped two families: one with a single mom and one that had never married. Wow, we can truly make a difference if we are allowed.
Awards, Banquets and Videos?
Recently, we celebrated my work and leadership in singles ministry on two separate occasions. During our annual Labor Day Singles and Leaders Retreat, we marked the milestone with flowers, two cakes, balloons, a large number of cards, and a video featuring 30 or more friends, pastors, and former and current leaders in singles ministry congratulating me on 20 years in full-time ministry. Pastor Freddy Johnson, my co-teacher, friend, and family member, also took extra time to “roast” me. Oh, what fun that was. I was so thankful to know so many cared.
Then, two weeks later, I was on a mission trip in the UK and was invited to an awards banquet in downtown London. I was honored along with several other leaders for their contributions to singles ministry. As each person went up to receive their award, I was blown away by the work, heart, and commitment of each winner. Then, it was my turn. I received two awards—one for my overall work in the UK and one for my work worldwide in singles ministry. Wow, I was overwhelmed with joy.
So, what does all this mean? Do we need awards? Do we need remembrance? Do we need events to celebrate? While I don’t feel I need any award of any kind to do the work God has called me to do, it was encouraging and affirming to receive one. I know, ultimately, I live to please God. I also know that if you aren’t careful, you can easily spend your life working for “man,” climbing the corporate ladder and building your kingdom. But just like with the Oscars and Grammys, there’s a great feeling when you win an award, especially from your peers in the same field. People who understand how hard the work is— the long hours, the sweat, the tears, and the joy. They also know you do it for the love of God more than for money or status. And they understand that the awards and banquets aren’t about showing how great I am but about how great God is. That trophy, video, and cake only represent God's work through me and others.
So, while I did receive the recognition personally, I did so knowing how many others have been and are part of the same journey—reaching people for Christ. These past twenty years of full-time ministry in the US and twelve years in the UK reflect what God has accomplished, and I am so thankful to be part of it.
2 Tim 4:7-8 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.
Thank you to those in person, to those online, and to those who supported the events. Let’s make it another twenty years, and let's reach singles all over the world.
Then, two weeks later, I was on a mission trip in the UK and was invited to an awards banquet in downtown London. I was honored along with several other leaders for their contributions to singles ministry. As each person went up to receive their award, I was blown away by the work, heart, and commitment of each winner. Then, it was my turn. I received two awards—one for my overall work in the UK and one for my work worldwide in singles ministry. Wow, I was overwhelmed with joy.
So, what does all this mean? Do we need awards? Do we need remembrance? Do we need events to celebrate? While I don’t feel I need any award of any kind to do the work God has called me to do, it was encouraging and affirming to receive one. I know, ultimately, I live to please God. I also know that if you aren’t careful, you can easily spend your life working for “man,” climbing the corporate ladder and building your kingdom. But just like with the Oscars and Grammys, there’s a great feeling when you win an award, especially from your peers in the same field. People who understand how hard the work is— the long hours, the sweat, the tears, and the joy. They also know you do it for the love of God more than for money or status. And they understand that the awards and banquets aren’t about showing how great I am but about how great God is. That trophy, video, and cake only represent God's work through me and others.
So, while I did receive the recognition personally, I did so knowing how many others have been and are part of the same journey—reaching people for Christ. These past twenty years of full-time ministry in the US and twelve years in the UK reflect what God has accomplished, and I am so thankful to be part of it.
2 Tim 4:7-8 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith. Henceforth there is laid up for me the crown of righteousness, which the Lord, the righteous judge, will award to me on that day, and not only to me but also to all who have loved his appearing.
Thank you to those in person, to those online, and to those who supported the events. Let’s make it another twenty years, and let's reach singles all over the world.
Conferences, Retreats and More? Where are they?
I have often been asked, where have all the retreats and conferences gone? Well, just like with all singles ministry, it’s a matter of supply and demand. The more significant events relied on churches for support, in some cases financially, large busloads of singles, and a team of leaders and singles pastors for direction. But when the singles ministry changed, it affected everything from conferences, retreats, book sales, magazine subscriptions, and more.
Over the past 30 years, annual conferences were held in every denomination. Additionally, there was the SAM conference, a week-long training event that moved to different cities each year and focused on pastors and leaders of singles. The first part of the week was dedicated to those who lead young singles. Cook Publishing brought in top speakers like Henry Cloud, Anne Graham Lots, and Tony Evans. They offered 30 or more workshops on various topics led by singles ministry experts. Leadership training events also took place nationwide, including SPFM: Single Parent Family Ministry, Divorce Care, and Griefshare. Publications like Christian Single by Lifeway, SAM Journal, and Living Solo targeted singles. Every state hosted annual leaders or singles events, and churches with 500 or more members held their own conferences or retreats. Even K-LOVE Christian radio sponsored an annual cruise focused on singles ministry.
Last but not least, there was the Metro Conference. A conference focused on those who lead mega singles ministry of 1000 or more single adults. All of these are gone.
But I can hear you saying, “But the number of singles has gone up; why would singles ministry go down?” Well, this is the million-dollar question that I have addressed in previous articles. But here are a few reasons and some ideas for solutions:
Solution: Start with something small, like a one-hour workshop. Build a team of leaders who, in return, will build the ministry. A retreat or conference may not be what your ministry needs to grow.
Here are a few national ministries or events that are still ongoing.
• www.LaborDaysingles.org is an annual retreat first started by Lifeway that is still going in the NC Mountains.
• Sandy Cove Conference in MD still makes annual singles retreats.
• www.NWSinglesRetreat.com offers an annual singles retreat in Montana during Memorial Weekend.
• The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, Single Moms host annual events.
• Large churches are still doing their retreats or conferences around the country and in the UK.
• Para-organizations are also doing retreats and conferences, often self-supported.
• Young adult conferences and retreats are still happening within most churches.
• An occasional cruise for singles.
So, is there anything we can do to change this? To bring back those mega conferences with Henry Cloud as our speaker? Tony Evans? Well, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of money and resources. We can continue the small conferences and retreats. So, grab a few friends, rent a house at the beach, talk to your Divorce Care or Griefshare leadership, and brainstorm ideas to host a conference for the day. Host a workshop event where folks bring their food, Zoom in as a speaker for a love offering, and have a small group discussion. The point is to move forward, and even though the days of the mega conferences and retreats are few and far between, there is no reason you can’t still do something to reach singles; it all starts with a cup of coffee and a heart like Jesus.
Bring Kris to your city. Contact her today!
Over the past 30 years, annual conferences were held in every denomination. Additionally, there was the SAM conference, a week-long training event that moved to different cities each year and focused on pastors and leaders of singles. The first part of the week was dedicated to those who lead young singles. Cook Publishing brought in top speakers like Henry Cloud, Anne Graham Lots, and Tony Evans. They offered 30 or more workshops on various topics led by singles ministry experts. Leadership training events also took place nationwide, including SPFM: Single Parent Family Ministry, Divorce Care, and Griefshare. Publications like Christian Single by Lifeway, SAM Journal, and Living Solo targeted singles. Every state hosted annual leaders or singles events, and churches with 500 or more members held their own conferences or retreats. Even K-LOVE Christian radio sponsored an annual cruise focused on singles ministry.
Last but not least, there was the Metro Conference. A conference focused on those who lead mega singles ministry of 1000 or more single adults. All of these are gone.
But I can hear you saying, “But the number of singles has gone up; why would singles ministry go down?” Well, this is the million-dollar question that I have addressed in previous articles. But here are a few reasons and some ideas for solutions:
- Contemporary churches started by the hundreds, pulling our singles away from traditional churches. These new churches do not offer Sunday school but small groups. Sunday school is still the primary way singles gather. Without a place to gather, single adults stop coming to church.
Solution: Bring back Sunday school, but if you can’t think about offering a small group that meets on Sunday morning at the church, just for singles. - Defining who a single person is/was has become more complex. As a result, marketing to this demographic is tricky and hard to figure out.
Solution: Focus on the largest demographic of single adults. Please reach out and market to them first. As time goes on and your numbers increase in other demographics, you can start marketing to them. - Lack of training for pastors and leaders in this area of ministry. Also, the ones who lead it have been married their whole lives. As a result, they don’t understand or relate as well. Often, they feel they are babysitting adults.
Solution: Build leaders from within the singles ministry to lead those who are single or were single. Also, consult with Kris Swiatocho of The Singles Network Ministries for help. - Ever-increasing social media, online dating, and para-ministry are replacing traditional connections in the church first. As a result, there is no spiritual covering to protect singles. We don't have control over leadership, what is being taught, or who is attending.
Solution: Bring singles ministry back to the church, or offer a form of Spiritual covering for a ministry that operates off church grounds. This way, you can both benefit. - Churches fear singles ministry will turn into hookup ministry. Because of a lack of leadership, like with all ministries, it can quickly become unhealthy or dysfunctional.
Solution: The church needs to be in charge of teaching singles about all relationships, helping them to become the right person to meet the right person. The church should be responsible for assisting singles in getting married. A great way to do this is by offering the Intentional Relationship Bible study as part of the church's resources. You might not be able to start a singles ministry, but you can at least offer to minister to them. Also, I suggest ordering the Leadership That Last curriculum on this website. It’s a 6-week course to build leaders. - Conferences and retreats often take a lot of work and yield low results based on what church leadership sees. However, conferences, workshops, and retreats are great ways to open a door into the church that may not have been possible otherwise. While they take work, the result could be life-changing for that single adult.
Solution: Start with something small, like a one-hour workshop. Build a team of leaders who, in return, will build the ministry. A retreat or conference may not be what your ministry needs to grow.
Here are a few national ministries or events that are still ongoing.
• www.LaborDaysingles.org is an annual retreat first started by Lifeway that is still going in the NC Mountains.
• Sandy Cove Conference in MD still makes annual singles retreats.
• www.NWSinglesRetreat.com offers an annual singles retreat in Montana during Memorial Weekend.
• The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, Single Moms host annual events.
• Large churches are still doing their retreats or conferences around the country and in the UK.
• Para-organizations are also doing retreats and conferences, often self-supported.
• Young adult conferences and retreats are still happening within most churches.
• An occasional cruise for singles.
So, is there anything we can do to change this? To bring back those mega conferences with Henry Cloud as our speaker? Tony Evans? Well, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of money and resources. We can continue the small conferences and retreats. So, grab a few friends, rent a house at the beach, talk to your Divorce Care or Griefshare leadership, and brainstorm ideas to host a conference for the day. Host a workshop event where folks bring their food, Zoom in as a speaker for a love offering, and have a small group discussion. The point is to move forward, and even though the days of the mega conferences and retreats are few and far between, there is no reason you can’t still do something to reach singles; it all starts with a cup of coffee and a heart like Jesus.
Bring Kris to your city. Contact her today!
Singles in the News, in the last 20 years
When I first began in singles ministry, many online and print magazines were dedicated solely to single adults. Some included Christian Single (CS) by Lifeway, Living Solo Magazine by Single Adult Ministries, and the SAM Journal, a leadership magazine by Cook Publishing—all of which are now discontinued. There were also denominational newspapers and magazines featuring articles on singleness, such as Home Life and Crosswalk, for which I wrote for many years. Additionally, Christian and non-Christian newspapers across the country published articles on singles. The topics covered ranged from online dating, divorce recovery, and being a widow or widower, to budgeting as a single parent.
There were also radio and TV shows that featured stories about the lives of singles, including Moody Bible Radio with single, adult, and Dr. Lina Abujamra. I have been interviewed more times than I can count over the years. Even now, I still get interviewed on the Community Spotlight segment of Light FM and by a local TV station, WGGS. There was also a time when the media would show up at events. I remember hosting large conferences in the early 2000s, and local TV stations would come out to do human interest stories.
But of course, there has also been the negative side. Over the years, various non-Christian public relations firms have contacted me, asking for support of TV shows centered on singleness. These include shows about meeting someone in 60 seconds, marrying them, or marrying someone chosen by your parents, as well as online dating four girls or guys in one night to pick one to marry, and so on. These shows not only exclude God from the process but also promote marriage among strangers, making a mockery of God’s design.
Of course, let’s not forget the countless TV shows, romance books, and movies that portray singleness as a journey focused solely on finding the “one.” Sometimes, this involves backstabbing, lying, manipulation, and promiscuity to get there. While most singles do want to be married, our history of divorce reveals how little we truly understand or know how to be married or stay married according to God’s design. Although the percentage of Christ-focused marriages that have divorced is very low*, a significant number of these couples either choose not to marry out of fear of possible divorce or simply have no idea how to get married or what being married entails. Churches have stopped offering singles ministry programs where singles can build safe friendships, learn about marriage, and prepare for it. These places could also help them recognize the value of being single.
I am grateful for the many churches that provide resources to those who have divorced, lost their spouse, are facing financial hardships, or need counseling. I also appreciate the churches that still offer college and young adult ministries.
See below for a few articles I was either featured in or wrote back in the day. Wow, how much has changed. I am grateful for the many people supporting ministry to singles over the years. Not everyone has forgotten singles adults, even though it often feels that way.
Join me in prayer:
For churches to:
• Open their eyes to start and develop a ministry to us, to extend their 20-something ministry to ’30s, ’40s, and so forth.
• Realize singles outnumber marrieds, and it’s getting worse; this was not God’s design.
• Bring my new study, “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” to their churches; for it to be a regular resource to help singles build healthier friends, family, work, and church relationships, and ultimately romantic relationships that lead to Christ-focused marriage.
• Continue to provide post-divorce and grief ministry resources
For our media to provide open dialogue, whether online, in print, on radio, on a podcast, or on TV, to help Christian single adults in their daily lives. Please pray that God can use me to be one of those voices. I am thankful that I speak on Live Facebook each Sunday night, a message to encourage singles.
For me, so I can keep leading The Singles Network Ministries for another 20 years, and that God would provide the next generation of leaders.
* The statistics suggest that Christian marriages fail as quickly as non-Christian marriages; however, this is not accurate. Remember, when people complete a marriage license, they often identify as Christian without actually being saved or followers of Christ. From my 20 years of leading a singles ministry, I've seen very few divorces—roughly 2 or 3 out of 100 marriages. These divorces were usually by people who had fallen away from Christ (one or both) or lacked maturity at the time of marriage. Often, they were couples who hadn't been friends long enough, sought counseling, or were held accountable before getting married. I'm not saying that two people who love Christ can't get divorced; what I am saying is that the number is very low, which shows that when both partners focus on Christ, they can overcome almost anything.
There were also radio and TV shows that featured stories about the lives of singles, including Moody Bible Radio with single, adult, and Dr. Lina Abujamra. I have been interviewed more times than I can count over the years. Even now, I still get interviewed on the Community Spotlight segment of Light FM and by a local TV station, WGGS. There was also a time when the media would show up at events. I remember hosting large conferences in the early 2000s, and local TV stations would come out to do human interest stories.
But of course, there has also been the negative side. Over the years, various non-Christian public relations firms have contacted me, asking for support of TV shows centered on singleness. These include shows about meeting someone in 60 seconds, marrying them, or marrying someone chosen by your parents, as well as online dating four girls or guys in one night to pick one to marry, and so on. These shows not only exclude God from the process but also promote marriage among strangers, making a mockery of God’s design.
Of course, let’s not forget the countless TV shows, romance books, and movies that portray singleness as a journey focused solely on finding the “one.” Sometimes, this involves backstabbing, lying, manipulation, and promiscuity to get there. While most singles do want to be married, our history of divorce reveals how little we truly understand or know how to be married or stay married according to God’s design. Although the percentage of Christ-focused marriages that have divorced is very low*, a significant number of these couples either choose not to marry out of fear of possible divorce or simply have no idea how to get married or what being married entails. Churches have stopped offering singles ministry programs where singles can build safe friendships, learn about marriage, and prepare for it. These places could also help them recognize the value of being single.
I am grateful for the many churches that provide resources to those who have divorced, lost their spouse, are facing financial hardships, or need counseling. I also appreciate the churches that still offer college and young adult ministries.
See below for a few articles I was either featured in or wrote back in the day. Wow, how much has changed. I am grateful for the many people supporting ministry to singles over the years. Not everyone has forgotten singles adults, even though it often feels that way.
Join me in prayer:
For churches to:
• Open their eyes to start and develop a ministry to us, to extend their 20-something ministry to ’30s, ’40s, and so forth.
• Realize singles outnumber marrieds, and it’s getting worse; this was not God’s design.
• Bring my new study, “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” to their churches; for it to be a regular resource to help singles build healthier friends, family, work, and church relationships, and ultimately romantic relationships that lead to Christ-focused marriage.
• Continue to provide post-divorce and grief ministry resources
For our media to provide open dialogue, whether online, in print, on radio, on a podcast, or on TV, to help Christian single adults in their daily lives. Please pray that God can use me to be one of those voices. I am thankful that I speak on Live Facebook each Sunday night, a message to encourage singles.
For me, so I can keep leading The Singles Network Ministries for another 20 years, and that God would provide the next generation of leaders.
* The statistics suggest that Christian marriages fail as quickly as non-Christian marriages; however, this is not accurate. Remember, when people complete a marriage license, they often identify as Christian without actually being saved or followers of Christ. From my 20 years of leading a singles ministry, I've seen very few divorces—roughly 2 or 3 out of 100 marriages. These divorces were usually by people who had fallen away from Christ (one or both) or lacked maturity at the time of marriage. Often, they were couples who hadn't been friends long enough, sought counseling, or were held accountable before getting married. I'm not saying that two people who love Christ can't get divorced; what I am saying is that the number is very low, which shows that when both partners focus on Christ, they can overcome almost anything.
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Why Are You Single? Summary of the Last 20 Years
“I know why I am single. I'm selfish,” said someone at my last speaking event. It was a Friday night in Salisbury, North Carolina. I was speaking at a church using my study, Jesus, Single Like Me.
Before I spoke at this church, I took some time to get to know them better so the message God gave me to share would be more relevant. I also enjoy directing comments to those in my audience based on things they've shared with me. As usual, I walked around and started talking to people. They often ask me where I’m from and if I’ve been married or have kids. But then, a new question came up: “So Kris, why are YOU single?” I was like, “What? Why am I single?” I’d never thought about that question or the answer I might give.
Before I answered the question from an anxiously waiting audience at my table, I turned it around and asked them first. I was genuinely amazed at the answers they shared. As I listened to each person, I realized I needed to share their responses. I don't think I expected so many answers, much less for them to vary so much. Maybe their answers will help answer your own. Perhaps they will affirm what God is doing in your life. Maybe their answers will convict you of what you need to be doing. So you be the judge...
“So why are you single?” I asked.
SUSIE: “To be quite simple, I am selfish. I like to have my way about everything; a man just does not fit in my life. I know it’s not the greatest attribute, but it is simply where I am right now.”
As I listened to Susie, I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened in her life to make her so selfish. Did she take things from others as a child or even as an adult? Was it simply old-fashioned sin? As a Christian, how could she be comfortable with her answer? How could she not want to work on this aspect of her life? Or maybe her selfishness was used as an excuse or barrier to forming true, meaningful relationships. Still, I kept listening and prayed silently for her.
The Lord shows us how vital it is to turn our hearts and lives toward Him. As we focus on Him and value others above ourselves, our relationship with the Lord becomes stronger. As we grow in Christ, we can handle or reject the junk, pain, hurt, and sin that come our way.
Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. (Psalm 119:36).
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility, value others above yourselves (Phil. 2:3).
JOE: “I lost my wife to cancer a few years ago. I hated being alone. I was so lonely. I started to date, but I expected too much too soon. I was rejected over and over. I think I should stay single and not get hurt anymore.”
As I listened to Joe, I understood firsthand what he was saying. Although I had not lost a spouse or gone through a divorce, I had experienced two engagements ending and other broken relationships. I know what relational pain feels like and how it can prevent you from forming new relationships. My concern for Joe was how quickly he might have started dating after his wife's death. Maybe the rejections he faced were due to how others perceived him. Perhaps they could tell he was still grieving. Joe needs time to heal and to rest in the Lord. He should focus on building friendships of all kinds, allowing God to guide his next steps. He also needs to serve others, shifting focus away from himself. I know that the more I work for the Lord and stay connected with my Christian friends, the less lonely I feel.
God tells us in His Word the importance of taking time to rest and heal before moving forward. We can't receive clear direction or peace if our vision is blurred. We also cannot pour out of an empty vessel. We need to go to the source that gives us the strength to endure whatever God allows us to go through—strength that will eventually enable us to pour into others again and maintain the relationship God desires.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).
The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help (1 Tim. 5:5).
TOM: “Because I know no one would want to live with me.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean, Tom? You seem like a nice man.” “Well, if you knew me, you would understand. I’m thankful to these guys here at church who have learned to put up with me.” Everyone started to laugh. I said, “OK, Tom, spill it. What do you mean?” Tom went on to say he loves talking about politics, religion, and sports. But not necessarily in that order. I thought, “Yeah, I think I hear my phone ringing. I was just joking, Tom. Seriously, Tom, politics, religion, and sports. Yeah, I just love it. I’m a big Fox network fan. So, what do you think of Biden and Trump?” Umm, Tom, I think I do hear my phone ringing. LOL. OK, I see what you mean. So, your passion for these topics most folks off.” Tom said it was more than his passion. He said he could sometimes be argumentative and overly opinionated. Well, at least that’s what he has been told. I asked, “Tom, do you think you need to make some changes? Perhaps what you’re passionate about isn’t the problem, but how it comes out of your mouth?” He thought about it and said, “Well, you might have a point.”
I believe many people struggle with what they say. Years ago, I prayed that God would take away my personality and make me a meek, quiet woman. Then God said to me, “Kris, I made you an extrovert with a big mouth. I just want you to use that mouth for me, glorify me, and bring others to me.” Praise the Lord now for how he made you but recognize he made you for him. And because he made you for him, all that we speak and do needs to be for his purpose, honor, and glory. Being right in the Lord is much more important than being right for ourselves. Don't let your words keep you from being approachable by others.
Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise (Psalm. 51:15).
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
DONNA: “I like my independence and prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. I love it.”
“I hear you, Donna,” I thought to myself. “I am right there with you, girl.” I have always loved living alone, too. I know many folks hate it, but I loved it like her. I also love not having to ask any man if I can buy this or that, tell them when I will be home, where or when I will be traveling, etc. But with this lifestyle CAN also come a lack of accountability. As I listened to Donna, I wondered if she was using this independence to do more for God, or if it was more about control.
Several years ago, my dad passed away, and my mom hated living alone. So, the long and short of it is, we decided to buy a home together. We both agreed it would be a great solution as we could split finances, hold each other accountable, and share life's burdens. Well, to be honest, at first, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have had to make a lot of sacrifices. Like Donna, I have
learned that I am very selfish. This selfishness leads to blindness, being blind to others’ needs. Even though there are days that I remember my "independence" and want it back, God also reminds me of how much better off I am to stay. I have grown closer to not only my mom but also to the Lord. And that was the goal in all of this, right?
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms (1 Peter 4:10).
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love—honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited (Rom. 12:9-16).
SONYA: “I have not met the right person yet.”
I love Sonya's answer. She didn't seem to be in any rush. She said she was waiting on God to bring the right person into her life. She shared at the table that she had tried dating sites (and got discouraged), had friends set her up, and even tried speed dating. She said being a single mom with three kids doesn't help either, because most men aren't interested in an instant family. Every time she went out alone, God brought her back to just Him. So now, she says she has stopped looking. She enjoys her time at church with her single and married friends. “Now, don't get me wrong,” she said. “I am keeping my eyes open. I am allowing God to bring him to me rather than the other way around.”
Sonya provides great guidance on how our entire life should focus on seeking the Lord first. As we pursue the Lord, everything will come to us according to His will. Sonya also reminds us of the importance of fellowship with others. Our purpose in life is to have a relationship with the Lord that glorifies Him, and from that relationship, to build connections with others to lead them to Christ. Therefore, everything we do should align with that
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” (Psalm. 40:16).
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
MARIA: “I am not ready yet.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, I am not ready yet. I have some issues to work out in my life. There are some things I think God wants to change in me to help prepare me for marriage. So until then, I choose to stay single.” I went on to ask about what things. She didn't go into much detail other than to say that she was working on her health and finances. While in her twenties, she didn't care for her money or body. She said she wasn't following the Lord then. She partied, ate whatever she wanted, and maxed out several credit cards. Now that she is older, she wants to settle down. So she started going to church, got saved, and prayed for God to help her work on herself in some areas. She said she wasn't there yet but was getting close.
Wow, I am so proud of her. She wants to become the right person before marrying the right person. Of course, she nor I am saying you have to have it all together. But if you know you have a ton of debt, bad credit, anger issues, addictions, etc., getting married doesn't make them go away. It can make them worse. So the fact that Maria is aware of some of her issues and how they could affect her future marriage is fantastic. Even if she never marries, the fact she is working on some of these issues will only draw her closer to God, as he heals and transforms her into his image.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Cor. 16:19-20).
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
CHANTELL: “I can do more for God. I believe he called me to be single.”
“Really?” I asked. “Well, Paul talks about being single and how you can serve the Lord more. I think I really can. I was once married when I was young. I have now been single for over 25 years. My son is also all grown up and has a family. I love that I can do whatever God wants me to at the drop of a hat. I especially love going on mission trips. So for me, it is where I choose to be. If God wants me married, I am open to that, but I seriously think he prefers me single. I do enjoy where God has me.”
Praise the Lord, Chantell, that you have found this miraculous place called "contentment." If only the world would understand it. If they did, there would be no more fights, war, greed... well, you get the idea. People would simply be happy where God has put them until He moves them elsewhere. And if this is where God wants them, what are we doing about it? I love how Chantell has learned to serve and do for the Lord right where she is. This contentment has also brought her a quiet, calm spirit because she doesn't have to be anxious about anything. She can just "be," knowing God will provide the next step as He wills it.
But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content (Psalm 131:2).
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).
So I guess it’s finally my turn to answer the question. I am single because….
When I was younger, I was like most women in that I wanted to get married. I have dated and been engaged a couple of times. However, through all the relationships, it was God's relationship that I sought most. Now, do I feel called to be single forever? No. I still desire to have a mate one day. However, the focus of my daily life isn't looking for a man. I have never speed-dated or browsed the personals. You would never catch me online dating (too much pain and rejection there). I am old-fashioned because I believe God will bring him to me or me to him. So while I am waiting, I am living life to its fullest, to abundance. I am serving, growing, ministering, and sharing my life. I have learned the joy of being content like Chantell. I am called to be single until he moves me somewhere else, and I love it.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).
So . . . why are you single?
Before I spoke at this church, I took some time to get to know them better so the message God gave me to share would be more relevant. I also enjoy directing comments to those in my audience based on things they've shared with me. As usual, I walked around and started talking to people. They often ask me where I’m from and if I’ve been married or have kids. But then, a new question came up: “So Kris, why are YOU single?” I was like, “What? Why am I single?” I’d never thought about that question or the answer I might give.
Before I answered the question from an anxiously waiting audience at my table, I turned it around and asked them first. I was genuinely amazed at the answers they shared. As I listened to each person, I realized I needed to share their responses. I don't think I expected so many answers, much less for them to vary so much. Maybe their answers will help answer your own. Perhaps they will affirm what God is doing in your life. Maybe their answers will convict you of what you need to be doing. So you be the judge...
“So why are you single?” I asked.
SUSIE: “To be quite simple, I am selfish. I like to have my way about everything; a man just does not fit in my life. I know it’s not the greatest attribute, but it is simply where I am right now.”
As I listened to Susie, I couldn’t help but wonder what had happened in her life to make her so selfish. Did she take things from others as a child or even as an adult? Was it simply old-fashioned sin? As a Christian, how could she be comfortable with her answer? How could she not want to work on this aspect of her life? Or maybe her selfishness was used as an excuse or barrier to forming true, meaningful relationships. Still, I kept listening and prayed silently for her.
The Lord shows us how vital it is to turn our hearts and lives toward Him. As we focus on Him and value others above ourselves, our relationship with the Lord becomes stronger. As we grow in Christ, we can handle or reject the junk, pain, hurt, and sin that come our way.
Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. (Psalm 119:36).
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility, value others above yourselves (Phil. 2:3).
JOE: “I lost my wife to cancer a few years ago. I hated being alone. I was so lonely. I started to date, but I expected too much too soon. I was rejected over and over. I think I should stay single and not get hurt anymore.”
As I listened to Joe, I understood firsthand what he was saying. Although I had not lost a spouse or gone through a divorce, I had experienced two engagements ending and other broken relationships. I know what relational pain feels like and how it can prevent you from forming new relationships. My concern for Joe was how quickly he might have started dating after his wife's death. Maybe the rejections he faced were due to how others perceived him. Perhaps they could tell he was still grieving. Joe needs time to heal and to rest in the Lord. He should focus on building friendships of all kinds, allowing God to guide his next steps. He also needs to serve others, shifting focus away from himself. I know that the more I work for the Lord and stay connected with my Christian friends, the less lonely I feel.
God tells us in His Word the importance of taking time to rest and heal before moving forward. We can't receive clear direction or peace if our vision is blurred. We also cannot pour out of an empty vessel. We need to go to the source that gives us the strength to endure whatever God allows us to go through—strength that will eventually enable us to pour into others again and maintain the relationship God desires.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).
The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help (1 Tim. 5:5).
TOM: “Because I know no one would want to live with me.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean, Tom? You seem like a nice man.” “Well, if you knew me, you would understand. I’m thankful to these guys here at church who have learned to put up with me.” Everyone started to laugh. I said, “OK, Tom, spill it. What do you mean?” Tom went on to say he loves talking about politics, religion, and sports. But not necessarily in that order. I thought, “Yeah, I think I hear my phone ringing. I was just joking, Tom. Seriously, Tom, politics, religion, and sports. Yeah, I just love it. I’m a big Fox network fan. So, what do you think of Biden and Trump?” Umm, Tom, I think I do hear my phone ringing. LOL. OK, I see what you mean. So, your passion for these topics most folks off.” Tom said it was more than his passion. He said he could sometimes be argumentative and overly opinionated. Well, at least that’s what he has been told. I asked, “Tom, do you think you need to make some changes? Perhaps what you’re passionate about isn’t the problem, but how it comes out of your mouth?” He thought about it and said, “Well, you might have a point.”
I believe many people struggle with what they say. Years ago, I prayed that God would take away my personality and make me a meek, quiet woman. Then God said to me, “Kris, I made you an extrovert with a big mouth. I just want you to use that mouth for me, glorify me, and bring others to me.” Praise the Lord now for how he made you but recognize he made you for him. And because he made you for him, all that we speak and do needs to be for his purpose, honor, and glory. Being right in the Lord is much more important than being right for ourselves. Don't let your words keep you from being approachable by others.
Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise (Psalm. 51:15).
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
DONNA: “I like my independence and prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. I love it.”
“I hear you, Donna,” I thought to myself. “I am right there with you, girl.” I have always loved living alone, too. I know many folks hate it, but I loved it like her. I also love not having to ask any man if I can buy this or that, tell them when I will be home, where or when I will be traveling, etc. But with this lifestyle CAN also come a lack of accountability. As I listened to Donna, I wondered if she was using this independence to do more for God, or if it was more about control.
Several years ago, my dad passed away, and my mom hated living alone. So, the long and short of it is, we decided to buy a home together. We both agreed it would be a great solution as we could split finances, hold each other accountable, and share life's burdens. Well, to be honest, at first, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have had to make a lot of sacrifices. Like Donna, I have
learned that I am very selfish. This selfishness leads to blindness, being blind to others’ needs. Even though there are days that I remember my "independence" and want it back, God also reminds me of how much better off I am to stay. I have grown closer to not only my mom but also to the Lord. And that was the goal in all of this, right?
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms (1 Peter 4:10).
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love—honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited (Rom. 12:9-16).
SONYA: “I have not met the right person yet.”
I love Sonya's answer. She didn't seem to be in any rush. She said she was waiting on God to bring the right person into her life. She shared at the table that she had tried dating sites (and got discouraged), had friends set her up, and even tried speed dating. She said being a single mom with three kids doesn't help either, because most men aren't interested in an instant family. Every time she went out alone, God brought her back to just Him. So now, she says she has stopped looking. She enjoys her time at church with her single and married friends. “Now, don't get me wrong,” she said. “I am keeping my eyes open. I am allowing God to bring him to me rather than the other way around.”
Sonya provides great guidance on how our entire life should focus on seeking the Lord first. As we pursue the Lord, everything will come to us according to His will. Sonya also reminds us of the importance of fellowship with others. Our purpose in life is to have a relationship with the Lord that glorifies Him, and from that relationship, to build connections with others to lead them to Christ. Therefore, everything we do should align with that
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” (Psalm. 40:16).
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
MARIA: “I am not ready yet.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, I am not ready yet. I have some issues to work out in my life. There are some things I think God wants to change in me to help prepare me for marriage. So until then, I choose to stay single.” I went on to ask about what things. She didn't go into much detail other than to say that she was working on her health and finances. While in her twenties, she didn't care for her money or body. She said she wasn't following the Lord then. She partied, ate whatever she wanted, and maxed out several credit cards. Now that she is older, she wants to settle down. So she started going to church, got saved, and prayed for God to help her work on herself in some areas. She said she wasn't there yet but was getting close.
Wow, I am so proud of her. She wants to become the right person before marrying the right person. Of course, she nor I am saying you have to have it all together. But if you know you have a ton of debt, bad credit, anger issues, addictions, etc., getting married doesn't make them go away. It can make them worse. So the fact that Maria is aware of some of her issues and how they could affect her future marriage is fantastic. Even if she never marries, the fact she is working on some of these issues will only draw her closer to God, as he heals and transforms her into his image.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Cor. 16:19-20).
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
CHANTELL: “I can do more for God. I believe he called me to be single.”
“Really?” I asked. “Well, Paul talks about being single and how you can serve the Lord more. I think I really can. I was once married when I was young. I have now been single for over 25 years. My son is also all grown up and has a family. I love that I can do whatever God wants me to at the drop of a hat. I especially love going on mission trips. So for me, it is where I choose to be. If God wants me married, I am open to that, but I seriously think he prefers me single. I do enjoy where God has me.”
Praise the Lord, Chantell, that you have found this miraculous place called "contentment." If only the world would understand it. If they did, there would be no more fights, war, greed... well, you get the idea. People would simply be happy where God has put them until He moves them elsewhere. And if this is where God wants them, what are we doing about it? I love how Chantell has learned to serve and do for the Lord right where she is. This contentment has also brought her a quiet, calm spirit because she doesn't have to be anxious about anything. She can just "be," knowing God will provide the next step as He wills it.
But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content (Psalm 131:2).
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).
So I guess it’s finally my turn to answer the question. I am single because….
When I was younger, I was like most women in that I wanted to get married. I have dated and been engaged a couple of times. However, through all the relationships, it was God's relationship that I sought most. Now, do I feel called to be single forever? No. I still desire to have a mate one day. However, the focus of my daily life isn't looking for a man. I have never speed-dated or browsed the personals. You would never catch me online dating (too much pain and rejection there). I am old-fashioned because I believe God will bring him to me or me to him. So while I am waiting, I am living life to its fullest, to abundance. I am serving, growing, ministering, and sharing my life. I have learned the joy of being content like Chantell. I am called to be single until he moves me somewhere else, and I love it.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).
So . . . why are you single?
What Has Changed In Singles Ministry in the last 20 Years from a Pastor's Point of View
Pastor Jay George, Associate Pastor, First Baptist, Swartz, LA
(Former Singles Pastor, North Monroe Baptist, Monroe, LA)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: I'll start with what’s lacking. Fewer churches have a dedicated minister for Singles. They have integrated the Singles Ministry into the adult ministry. As a result, many churches don’t serve Singles as well as they could if they had a staff member dedicated to that group. However, I notice more churches now acknowledging and speaking about Singles from the pulpit than when I first began working as a Singles pastor.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: I feel like if you want to minister to a group of people within your church, the most effective way is to have a minister assigned full-time or part-time to develop a ministry for them.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Connect with other churches and leaders involved in effective singles ministry. Seek training and resources similar to those on The Singles Network Ministry website. Also, attend the National Singles and Leaders Retreat. There, you'll meet other leaders and pastors who care about singles ministry. You will find encouragement and gain knowledge and wisdom.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Understand and learn your gifts and use them for the Lord. And realize that meeting another person doesn’t complete you. You are complete when you put your faith and trust in Jesus, and you serve him. Our focus should be on knowing God and making Him known to others. But at the same time, you do need a Christian Singles Group, and we do need friends, so try to find a church that has a Singles Ministry and plug into it.
David King, Pastor, New Life Church, Erdington, UK, and Singles Director, NTCG
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: It has been encouraging to see some singles move from matchmaker-oriented events/ministries (usually short-lived) to being trained and mentored to lead healthy, durable singles ministries. It is sad to hear how many singles are turning to quick-fix solutions, such as online dating, rather than engaging in discipleship that would better address their challenges.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: You can run an effective ministry to singles without an appointed singles pastor. Prayerfully seek someone within the church who has the heart and calling to minister to singles, get them trained, and then support them, appointing a team to work with them to do the ministry.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Don’t start off on zero. There’s no need to. Connect with a ministry that has been going for several years, get training, and learn from those with proven experience and fruitfulness. Don’t even start a ministry until you’ve had some training.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: You are living in the most challenging time for single adults, but you have greater resources available to you than ever before. Much of the help you will receive from God will come through these resources and ministries, so failure to engage with them will cost you. And remember, life is for living, so however long you spend as a single, enjoy life now!
Susie Cowan, Singles Director, Christian Singles Pulse Ministry, Coeur d'Alene, ID
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The good: I have witnessed the resilience of the singles community to weather the storms of having their viable, successful ministries to single adults canceled by the churches and yet find other avenues to keep on ministering to singles and sharing the Love of Jesus with others. When our singles ministry (at a large church) was canceled, we started a Meetup group to keep people connected. This has allowed us a means to communicate activities and ministry events outside of a formal church sponsorship.
The sad part (or more like disappointing) is that I’ve seen churches start ministries only to let them die. They don’t provide funding, food, or support for the leadership, which ultimately causes their collapse. It’s upsetting because it’s almost as if they don’t trust the single adults to take on leadership roles, and the married couples in leadership often burn out and leave. Another challenge is finding churches willing to support a self-funded, non-denominational singles ministry.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Empower and disciple the singles to minister to other singles and create a “safe” place for singles to gather for fellowship, friendship, faith, and fun. Also, acknowledge the singles in the church in the messages. So many messages are delivered around the nuclear family, making singles feel like they don’t “fit in” at church. Create specific actions to help singles feel part of the church family. Offer Divorce Care, Intentional Relationships & Grief Care video series to your singles.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first step is to seek the Lord for wisdom and vision. Reach out to others who have gone before you for guidance and discipleship — “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors, they succeed.” (Kris, at The Singles Network, offers a wealth of excellent resources). Don’t let the fear of man prevent you from doing what God has called you to do. The “enemy” wants to kill your calling – stand firm in your faith and follow the Lord all the way to the finish line! It won’t be easy, but the eternal rewards will be definitely worth it! The single most important thing is to be obedient to the Lord’s calling.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Always remember that your marital status does not define your worth. You don’t earn a better seat in heaven by wearing a ring. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s best. If your desire is to be married, make your first priority to “delight in the Lord,” and He WILL give you the desires of your heart. Instead of searching for the right person, focus on being the right person. Find community with other singles – they need you, and you need them!
Curt Dean, Teaching Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church, Greensboro, NC
(Former Singles Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: Things that have Changed for the Better Over 20 Years:
By and large, churches have become more comfortable engaging single adults in their congregations. Whereas there continue to be challenges with churches committing staff and resources to their single adults, at least these churches recognize that single adults make up a sizeable portion of their congregations and need to be celebrated as essential members. Also, churches are open to their single adults serving in paid and volunteer leadership positions. These single adults are making significant impacts as they serve important roles in their churches.
Things that have Changed for the Worse Over 20 Years:
The biggest challenge is how younger singles (college/young professional) perceive single adult ministries as places for those who likely will not marry (and thus are seen with a stigma with which they do not want to be associated). These younger single adults see themselves more or less as “temporarily unmarried” and prefer not to integrate into a single-adult ministry. Thus, these younger single adults prefer to be called “Young Adults” rather than “Single Adults.” They do not mind being integrated into Bible study groups with young married couples of a similar age, provided there are activities tailored to their life situation (e.g., flexible weekend activities that typically interest those who are single). Over time, this has resulted in a depletion of people associated with single-adult ministries in churches and with regional single-adult conferences/programming.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: First, appropriate budgeted dollars for your single adult ministry.
Secondly, establish a single adult leadership team composed of mature, committed singles in your church to serve as the decision-making group for the ministry. If your church has paid associate ministerial staff, assign a staff member who has a heart for single adults to act as a liaison between the singles ministry and the pastoral staff. This person should attend leadership meetings—at least monthly—to evaluate the ministry's goals and how the programming and activities are helping to achieve those goals. There should also be an annual retreat for the leadership team, including the assigned paid staff member, to review the past year’s successes and failures and to re-evaluate the goals, determining if adjustments are needed or if the goals are effectively reaching their intended outcomes.
Thirdly, be open to single adults serving in ministry capacities beyond the single-adult ministry. Singles will feel valued and appreciated if they are called to serve the church as a whole.
Fourthly, invite pastoral staff to be intentional about contacting single adults to celebrate significant events (e.g., birthdays) in their lives (or even to check in when there is no reason other than to see how they are doing). Some single adults have little engagement with the community outside their professional lives. Knowing that the church's elders are thinking of them can make the most significant impact. Singles may soon forget a sermon preached or a Bible study taught, but they will never forget when someone reached out to check in and see how they’ve been doing.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Working with Single Adults in a church can be one of the most fulfilling ministries because singles tend to be more intentional in desiring community and have greater accessibility, flexibility, and engagement than their married adult counterparts.
Singles often see their ministry as a vital part of their relational identity, like their extended family, rather than just a small aspect of their spiritual lives. You will find that the singles you serve will become some of your closest friends. They, in effect, will become like family.
Single adult ministries also face unique challenges. There can be many personal struggles that singles experience. For some, it might be the emotional pain of a broken marriage. For others, it may be the loss of a dream of being married. Still, some individuals may face specific mental, emotional, or social issues that create unique challenges for your ministry. Remember that every single person in your ministry is a valuable part of it; however, you will need to work with your leadership team to address these situations so they do not become too burdensome for the ministry.
Make sure to stay connected with your single adults in your ministry. If you are emotionally disconnected from the single adults, they will see through your duplicity and will likely detach from you. The best single leaders are “in the trenches” with the singles... living their lives alongside them.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Remember that your identity and value ultimately are not found in your human relational status; instead, they are found in your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Jenna, Former Singles Director, Several churches
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The bad: It seems like the death of singles ministry. I have been on staff at various churches, starting and leading singles ministries. Then, suddenly, there was a shift, and there didn’t appear to be a need or desire to hire someone to lead singles. We all had to find other areas in the church to work or leave, myself included. I was surprised the church gave up this way when the need had grown.
The good: A lot of singles started their ministries. They may not have the resources, funding, or a pastor, but that didn’t discourage them. I say bravo to those courageous folks.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Take the time to listen to them. What are their greatest needs? Can the church minister to those needs in other ways? If they want to start a ministry, could you oversee the main leaders and support them?
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Go for it. But take some extra time to gather others who have the same vision and heart. Pray and spend time together. What is the purpose of starting your ministry? What are your goals? Make sure your ministry doesn’t become a meat market, a complaining station, or a social-focused one. I have worked at churches where singles had a lot of drama, fell into sexual sin, and/or were constantly whining about why their pastor wasn't helping. If your ministry receives negative publicity, it will hurt your church and other singles. Oh, and be careful of domineering personalities that don’t make you feel you need a team to lead. Be sure those on your team are healthy and mature in the Lord.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Don’t give up or get discouraged. You are valuable to God the same way a married person is. Stay focused on your relationship and where God is leading you. And if your church doesn't want to minister to singles, you can minister to singles. It can start with you.
Pastor Freddy Johnson, Senior Pastor, North Point Church, Columbia, SC, and Co-Director of the LaborDaySingles.org Retreat
(Former singles pastor, Shannon Baptist, Columbia, SC)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: One of the significant changes I have seen over the past twenty years is that most churches no longer provide staff resources for singles ministry. At first glance, this appears to be a bad trend, but it has brought good.
It's unfortunate that singles don’t receive support with programming or access to programs like other ministries or groups in the church. Additionally, singles have become less visible in the church because there is no dedicated staff member to inform the Lead/Senior Pastor and other staff about their various needs.
The good thing is that it has encouraged more single adults to step up and lead in starting or maintaining singles ministries. In some ways, this is better than having a detached pastor, who was not single for any significant amount of time, trying to understand the needs of single adults, which are often very different from those of married adults. Even within “singleness,” there are various stages or seasons, such as never married, divorced, widows/widowers, single parents, age differences, and others, that cannot all be ministered to in the same way.
The key is that the person(s), whether church staff or lay leader(s), must have a heart for single adults.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Start where you can. Larger churches might be able to offer social events, divorce care, grief sharing, and maybe even some financial resources.
For smaller churches, it might be a small group, social events, or even one of the specialized ministries, like divorce care or grief share. Another option, which our church does, is to partner with another church to provide Bible studies and social activities.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first thing that I think is important is finding out how much buy-in you have from singles within the church and how much support (if any) you will have from the Lead/Senior Pastor or other designated staff. You shouldn’t start something that the singles themselves will not support, so that needs to be assessed before going to the church leadership.
Next, saturate yourself with people and resources from those who have been doing this for a while, singlesnetwork.org, and former and current singles pastors/leaders, gaining insight and perspective.
The most important requirement for the person(s) starting a new ministry is to BE PATIENT (and continue seeking God).
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Being single and married are two seasons of life, but very different seasons.
Many married people often wish they weren’t married (at least to the person they are), and many single people often wish they were married. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married unless you marry outside of God’s plan for you (which explains why some of the married people mentioned above are in their current situation).
If your season of life is singleness, I want to ask you to consider one word as your guideline- COMMIT (I know some of you think this is a six-letter curse word).
• Commit to making God the priority in your life.
• Commit to becoming the best version of yourself so you're ready when God is prepared to move you to another season of life.
• Commit to resisting the temptation to believe the lie that singleness is inferior to marriage. Yes, they are different, but neither is better than the other.
• Commit to being single God’s way. When the Scriptures say yes, follow it! When the Scriptures say no, avoid it!
• Commit to trusting God’s plan for your life rather than your own.
(Former Singles Pastor, North Monroe Baptist, Monroe, LA)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: I'll start with what’s lacking. Fewer churches have a dedicated minister for Singles. They have integrated the Singles Ministry into the adult ministry. As a result, many churches don’t serve Singles as well as they could if they had a staff member dedicated to that group. However, I notice more churches now acknowledging and speaking about Singles from the pulpit than when I first began working as a Singles pastor.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: I feel like if you want to minister to a group of people within your church, the most effective way is to have a minister assigned full-time or part-time to develop a ministry for them.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Connect with other churches and leaders involved in effective singles ministry. Seek training and resources similar to those on The Singles Network Ministry website. Also, attend the National Singles and Leaders Retreat. There, you'll meet other leaders and pastors who care about singles ministry. You will find encouragement and gain knowledge and wisdom.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Understand and learn your gifts and use them for the Lord. And realize that meeting another person doesn’t complete you. You are complete when you put your faith and trust in Jesus, and you serve him. Our focus should be on knowing God and making Him known to others. But at the same time, you do need a Christian Singles Group, and we do need friends, so try to find a church that has a Singles Ministry and plug into it.
David King, Pastor, New Life Church, Erdington, UK, and Singles Director, NTCG
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: It has been encouraging to see some singles move from matchmaker-oriented events/ministries (usually short-lived) to being trained and mentored to lead healthy, durable singles ministries. It is sad to hear how many singles are turning to quick-fix solutions, such as online dating, rather than engaging in discipleship that would better address their challenges.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: You can run an effective ministry to singles without an appointed singles pastor. Prayerfully seek someone within the church who has the heart and calling to minister to singles, get them trained, and then support them, appointing a team to work with them to do the ministry.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Don’t start off on zero. There’s no need to. Connect with a ministry that has been going for several years, get training, and learn from those with proven experience and fruitfulness. Don’t even start a ministry until you’ve had some training.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: You are living in the most challenging time for single adults, but you have greater resources available to you than ever before. Much of the help you will receive from God will come through these resources and ministries, so failure to engage with them will cost you. And remember, life is for living, so however long you spend as a single, enjoy life now!
Susie Cowan, Singles Director, Christian Singles Pulse Ministry, Coeur d'Alene, ID
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The good: I have witnessed the resilience of the singles community to weather the storms of having their viable, successful ministries to single adults canceled by the churches and yet find other avenues to keep on ministering to singles and sharing the Love of Jesus with others. When our singles ministry (at a large church) was canceled, we started a Meetup group to keep people connected. This has allowed us a means to communicate activities and ministry events outside of a formal church sponsorship.
The sad part (or more like disappointing) is that I’ve seen churches start ministries only to let them die. They don’t provide funding, food, or support for the leadership, which ultimately causes their collapse. It’s upsetting because it’s almost as if they don’t trust the single adults to take on leadership roles, and the married couples in leadership often burn out and leave. Another challenge is finding churches willing to support a self-funded, non-denominational singles ministry.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Empower and disciple the singles to minister to other singles and create a “safe” place for singles to gather for fellowship, friendship, faith, and fun. Also, acknowledge the singles in the church in the messages. So many messages are delivered around the nuclear family, making singles feel like they don’t “fit in” at church. Create specific actions to help singles feel part of the church family. Offer Divorce Care, Intentional Relationships & Grief Care video series to your singles.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first step is to seek the Lord for wisdom and vision. Reach out to others who have gone before you for guidance and discipleship — “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors, they succeed.” (Kris, at The Singles Network, offers a wealth of excellent resources). Don’t let the fear of man prevent you from doing what God has called you to do. The “enemy” wants to kill your calling – stand firm in your faith and follow the Lord all the way to the finish line! It won’t be easy, but the eternal rewards will be definitely worth it! The single most important thing is to be obedient to the Lord’s calling.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Always remember that your marital status does not define your worth. You don’t earn a better seat in heaven by wearing a ring. Don’t settle for anything less than God’s best. If your desire is to be married, make your first priority to “delight in the Lord,” and He WILL give you the desires of your heart. Instead of searching for the right person, focus on being the right person. Find community with other singles – they need you, and you need them!
Curt Dean, Teaching Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church, Greensboro, NC
(Former Singles Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: Things that have Changed for the Better Over 20 Years:
By and large, churches have become more comfortable engaging single adults in their congregations. Whereas there continue to be challenges with churches committing staff and resources to their single adults, at least these churches recognize that single adults make up a sizeable portion of their congregations and need to be celebrated as essential members. Also, churches are open to their single adults serving in paid and volunteer leadership positions. These single adults are making significant impacts as they serve important roles in their churches.
Things that have Changed for the Worse Over 20 Years:
The biggest challenge is how younger singles (college/young professional) perceive single adult ministries as places for those who likely will not marry (and thus are seen with a stigma with which they do not want to be associated). These younger single adults see themselves more or less as “temporarily unmarried” and prefer not to integrate into a single-adult ministry. Thus, these younger single adults prefer to be called “Young Adults” rather than “Single Adults.” They do not mind being integrated into Bible study groups with young married couples of a similar age, provided there are activities tailored to their life situation (e.g., flexible weekend activities that typically interest those who are single). Over time, this has resulted in a depletion of people associated with single-adult ministries in churches and with regional single-adult conferences/programming.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: First, appropriate budgeted dollars for your single adult ministry.
Secondly, establish a single adult leadership team composed of mature, committed singles in your church to serve as the decision-making group for the ministry. If your church has paid associate ministerial staff, assign a staff member who has a heart for single adults to act as a liaison between the singles ministry and the pastoral staff. This person should attend leadership meetings—at least monthly—to evaluate the ministry's goals and how the programming and activities are helping to achieve those goals. There should also be an annual retreat for the leadership team, including the assigned paid staff member, to review the past year’s successes and failures and to re-evaluate the goals, determining if adjustments are needed or if the goals are effectively reaching their intended outcomes.
Thirdly, be open to single adults serving in ministry capacities beyond the single-adult ministry. Singles will feel valued and appreciated if they are called to serve the church as a whole.
Fourthly, invite pastoral staff to be intentional about contacting single adults to celebrate significant events (e.g., birthdays) in their lives (or even to check in when there is no reason other than to see how they are doing). Some single adults have little engagement with the community outside their professional lives. Knowing that the church's elders are thinking of them can make the most significant impact. Singles may soon forget a sermon preached or a Bible study taught, but they will never forget when someone reached out to check in and see how they’ve been doing.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Working with Single Adults in a church can be one of the most fulfilling ministries because singles tend to be more intentional in desiring community and have greater accessibility, flexibility, and engagement than their married adult counterparts.
Singles often see their ministry as a vital part of their relational identity, like their extended family, rather than just a small aspect of their spiritual lives. You will find that the singles you serve will become some of your closest friends. They, in effect, will become like family.
Single adult ministries also face unique challenges. There can be many personal struggles that singles experience. For some, it might be the emotional pain of a broken marriage. For others, it may be the loss of a dream of being married. Still, some individuals may face specific mental, emotional, or social issues that create unique challenges for your ministry. Remember that every single person in your ministry is a valuable part of it; however, you will need to work with your leadership team to address these situations so they do not become too burdensome for the ministry.
Make sure to stay connected with your single adults in your ministry. If you are emotionally disconnected from the single adults, they will see through your duplicity and will likely detach from you. The best single leaders are “in the trenches” with the singles... living their lives alongside them.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Remember that your identity and value ultimately are not found in your human relational status; instead, they are found in your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Jenna, Former Singles Director, Several churches
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The bad: It seems like the death of singles ministry. I have been on staff at various churches, starting and leading singles ministries. Then, suddenly, there was a shift, and there didn’t appear to be a need or desire to hire someone to lead singles. We all had to find other areas in the church to work or leave, myself included. I was surprised the church gave up this way when the need had grown.
The good: A lot of singles started their ministries. They may not have the resources, funding, or a pastor, but that didn’t discourage them. I say bravo to those courageous folks.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Take the time to listen to them. What are their greatest needs? Can the church minister to those needs in other ways? If they want to start a ministry, could you oversee the main leaders and support them?
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Go for it. But take some extra time to gather others who have the same vision and heart. Pray and spend time together. What is the purpose of starting your ministry? What are your goals? Make sure your ministry doesn’t become a meat market, a complaining station, or a social-focused one. I have worked at churches where singles had a lot of drama, fell into sexual sin, and/or were constantly whining about why their pastor wasn't helping. If your ministry receives negative publicity, it will hurt your church and other singles. Oh, and be careful of domineering personalities that don’t make you feel you need a team to lead. Be sure those on your team are healthy and mature in the Lord.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Don’t give up or get discouraged. You are valuable to God the same way a married person is. Stay focused on your relationship and where God is leading you. And if your church doesn't want to minister to singles, you can minister to singles. It can start with you.
Pastor Freddy Johnson, Senior Pastor, North Point Church, Columbia, SC, and Co-Director of the LaborDaySingles.org Retreat
(Former singles pastor, Shannon Baptist, Columbia, SC)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: One of the significant changes I have seen over the past twenty years is that most churches no longer provide staff resources for singles ministry. At first glance, this appears to be a bad trend, but it has brought good.
It's unfortunate that singles don’t receive support with programming or access to programs like other ministries or groups in the church. Additionally, singles have become less visible in the church because there is no dedicated staff member to inform the Lead/Senior Pastor and other staff about their various needs.
The good thing is that it has encouraged more single adults to step up and lead in starting or maintaining singles ministries. In some ways, this is better than having a detached pastor, who was not single for any significant amount of time, trying to understand the needs of single adults, which are often very different from those of married adults. Even within “singleness,” there are various stages or seasons, such as never married, divorced, widows/widowers, single parents, age differences, and others, that cannot all be ministered to in the same way.
The key is that the person(s), whether church staff or lay leader(s), must have a heart for single adults.
Q: What would be your advice to churches that will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Start where you can. Larger churches might be able to offer social events, divorce care, grief sharing, and maybe even some financial resources.
For smaller churches, it might be a small group, social events, or even one of the specialized ministries, like divorce care or grief share. Another option, which our church does, is to partner with another church to provide Bible studies and social activities.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first thing that I think is important is finding out how much buy-in you have from singles within the church and how much support (if any) you will have from the Lead/Senior Pastor or other designated staff. You shouldn’t start something that the singles themselves will not support, so that needs to be assessed before going to the church leadership.
Next, saturate yourself with people and resources from those who have been doing this for a while, singlesnetwork.org, and former and current singles pastors/leaders, gaining insight and perspective.
The most important requirement for the person(s) starting a new ministry is to BE PATIENT (and continue seeking God).
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today?
A: Being single and married are two seasons of life, but very different seasons.
Many married people often wish they weren’t married (at least to the person they are), and many single people often wish they were married. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be married unless you marry outside of God’s plan for you (which explains why some of the married people mentioned above are in their current situation).
If your season of life is singleness, I want to ask you to consider one word as your guideline- COMMIT (I know some of you think this is a six-letter curse word).
• Commit to making God the priority in your life.
• Commit to becoming the best version of yourself so you're ready when God is prepared to move you to another season of life.
• Commit to resisting the temptation to believe the lie that singleness is inferior to marriage. Yes, they are different, but neither is better than the other.
• Commit to being single God’s way. When the Scriptures say yes, follow it! When the Scriptures say no, avoid it!
• Commit to trusting God’s plan for your life rather than your own.
What Others Are Saying About How Singles Ministry Has Changed in the Last 20 Years?
1. What have been some of the changes you have seen in singles ministry that is good and bad?
I have been part of singles ministry for 30 years, both attending and serving. Since 2008, I have observed healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down without clear reasons, and this has happened in different parts of the country. The best groups I have been involved with had leadership that created a safe environment for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community for both men and women. Several healthy marriages resulted from those groups. I believe that what many churches see as negative might be due to the fact that attendance numbers are not higher, given the church's overall demographic, membership, and attendance, leading some to view these ministries as unnecessary or failures. From my experience at my last church, I also saw it becoming more of a social event for singles from other local churches who might be more socially awkward. The reality is that many people rely on singles ministries for their social lives.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and isn’t can vary. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t identify with that label. We're just young adults. However, my older friends are comfortable being called single. For me, the positive and negative aspects depend more on how you define singleness, especially when trying to connect with singles or develop a ministry for them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I'm glad to see that the singles ministry is still around. Many are being started and led by volunteers. However, I am disappointed that churches do not hire pastors to lead singles, leaving it up to volunteers who may lack the resources, experience, or time to do so.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been established
• Partnership and collaboration among singles ministries and their leaders
• Increased self-confidence and reduced shame about status among singles
• More people are turning to God and trusting Him during this season.
The Bad:
• Increased insecurity, fear, and anxiety caused by the widespread fear of COVID.
• The pool of singles has more women than men.
• Many churches don't offer anything for singles – it's just a continuation, not a change.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some positive changes I have noticed include more churches intentionally ministering to single moms through support groups, childcare assistance, etc. Sadly, I see very little efforts aimed at single dads or single men. Perhaps this is because fewer men than women are interested in or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about this concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense the same enthusiasm or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are trying to integrate singles into small group ministries, while others don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries, which has remained consistent and dedicated in its ministry to single adults.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced are a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One change I've noticed in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. It seems there has been a shift from a general singles group to a more focused group for young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors should collaborate with the singles pastor or leadership to understand the importance of a singles ministry. However, both sides also need to work together to ensure it doesn't become an independent ministry within the church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
Don't forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. They need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot—that we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30, but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected with the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common with them anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support a ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your most valuable untapped resource in the church. They have more relational capacity because they don't have a spouse to care for; they seek purpose, desire community, and may have more free time available for volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor understands firsthand the importance of ministering to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult himself after the passing of his spouse. Additionally, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas for ministering to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a group of like-minded individuals to share life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth. To celebrate victories and heartaches together. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but if given the chance, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a secure entry point into a larger church, along with a spot to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to deal with extreme loneliness. Covid has worsened the situation. My small, single group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to join via Zoom, but they refused. We are all older and struggle with technology. Still, I need community. So, I started connecting with other groups in different cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
Sometimes I feel too old to be around the younger singles, yet the singles ministries available seem to cater to older singles who could be my parents or grandparents. I often feel lost and struggle to find a better community. Additionally, I have trouble with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To claim our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our focus on Christ and live singleness God's way.
• To embrace the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To keep trusting in God's plan for our future and not lose hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I believe the greatest need for singles is assistance in discovering their purpose and sense of wholeness through following Jesus, rather than trying to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need, and having a supportive church that provided a sense of belonging and helped me find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for less.
—Dawn V., Cody WY, Former Single Parent (Married)
I believe that the biggest need for single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to build relationships with like-minded people to navigate life together. Additionally, this community should hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is also my greatest need.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong is a fundamental human need, yet many singles struggle to find their place in the church. Years ago, this was my greatest need, but I am blessed to have a wonderful group of singles as friends and family—with whom I celebrate victories and heartaches. “Single” is more than just a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest challenge for singles today is finding ways to reduce their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't say this is a personal need because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My most significant need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my enthusiasm, I sometimes find myself in this situation.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table and group discussions, led a women's small group and Bible study, planned and directed events, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
I haven't been helping as much as I should. I’ve had a couple of events at my parents' house—meaning my parents helped host some things. I’ve also helped set up some events, like arranging chairs and other things. Honestly, I don’t know where I fit in.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have an excellent leadership team, and I feel blessed to work with such talented and wonderful people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking across the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents, as well as to inspire and mobilize the Church to care more intentionally for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at the former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Instructor
· Authored books to serve Single Adults
· Singles Conference Speaker & Instructor
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current SAM Leader at my church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've worked in various roles over the past eight years. These include teaching and writing Bible studies, co-facilitating events, serving as a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women to discover and establish their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries, supporting the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your church doesn't have an active singles group, don't hesitate to attend women's events. That was a difficult one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's Bible studies are held during the week and in the mornings (excluding women who were married and worked), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not as much here. If a women's ministry or small group isn't the right fit, don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if there's one available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships, not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for one. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask, or I would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't offer anything for you. Get involved in activities at your church where you can make friends. Also, join outside groups, like the walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and have made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a few times, and he recommended some counseling, which did help. I also believe that having good friends to support me is important. I'm blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with Him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much importance you place on being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time; it is preparation time!
• While waiting, prepare for marriage. Focus on becoming the right person instead of merely looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a cure-all—many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that—a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction, and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate to about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek out a group of like-minded people who can help you connect. Look for a meetup group in your area that involves activities you enjoy (such as dinner, hiking, or running). Find a Bible study group, and if needed, reach out to a biblically sound Christian counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling depends on their relationship with Jesus. If they haven't met Him, I want to share my story—talk about how He's changed my life—and share the Gospel. If they do have a relationship with Jesus, I encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while also offering support or directing them to someone more equipped. I always aim to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has benefited me in many ways over the years. However, I find that multi-generational small groups, including singles and married couples of all ages, are the most impactful. That's why I answered the question about what I would tell my pastor the way I did.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
My church has activities for my age group where I can make friends and do things together. Also, I have the faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me when I was a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has blessed me with the gift of perspective—the ability to see things in their true context and scope. I understand that I cannot do better for myself than God has already done. Therefore, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him redefine what love is supposed to look like and learning that I could love, be whole, and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships, and only took advice from people whose lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question... LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas He's purposed for my life. I am actively involved in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like traveling alone, but it gives me a sense of balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This might sound cliché, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring marriage, which isn't necessarily a bad thing; the issue for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells—that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing to do before I learned to celebrate being single, but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit immense joy, I've also needed to give myself space and grace to mourn the life I had grown to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and reading the Bible while being involved in my church has greatly improved my walk with God. Serving others has also helped me realize that my focus on myself decreases. This has been especially true for me during the COVID season and all the changes that come with it. I am truly thankful for that time to deepen my relationship with God and experience His blessings.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has impacted each of us differently over the past twenty years.
I have been part of singles ministry for 30 years, both attending and serving. Since 2008, I have observed healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down without clear reasons, and this has happened in different parts of the country. The best groups I have been involved with had leadership that created a safe environment for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community for both men and women. Several healthy marriages resulted from those groups. I believe that what many churches see as negative might be due to the fact that attendance numbers are not higher, given the church's overall demographic, membership, and attendance, leading some to view these ministries as unnecessary or failures. From my experience at my last church, I also saw it becoming more of a social event for singles from other local churches who might be more socially awkward. The reality is that many people rely on singles ministries for their social lives.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and isn’t can vary. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t identify with that label. We're just young adults. However, my older friends are comfortable being called single. For me, the positive and negative aspects depend more on how you define singleness, especially when trying to connect with singles or develop a ministry for them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I'm glad to see that the singles ministry is still around. Many are being started and led by volunteers. However, I am disappointed that churches do not hire pastors to lead singles, leaving it up to volunteers who may lack the resources, experience, or time to do so.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been established
• Partnership and collaboration among singles ministries and their leaders
• Increased self-confidence and reduced shame about status among singles
• More people are turning to God and trusting Him during this season.
The Bad:
• Increased insecurity, fear, and anxiety caused by the widespread fear of COVID.
• The pool of singles has more women than men.
• Many churches don't offer anything for singles – it's just a continuation, not a change.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some positive changes I have noticed include more churches intentionally ministering to single moms through support groups, childcare assistance, etc. Sadly, I see very little efforts aimed at single dads or single men. Perhaps this is because fewer men than women are interested in or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about this concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense the same enthusiasm or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are trying to integrate singles into small group ministries, while others don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries, which has remained consistent and dedicated in its ministry to single adults.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced are a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One change I've noticed in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. It seems there has been a shift from a general singles group to a more focused group for young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors should collaborate with the singles pastor or leadership to understand the importance of a singles ministry. However, both sides also need to work together to ensure it doesn't become an independent ministry within the church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
Don't forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. They need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot—that we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30, but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected with the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common with them anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support a ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your most valuable untapped resource in the church. They have more relational capacity because they don't have a spouse to care for; they seek purpose, desire community, and may have more free time available for volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor understands firsthand the importance of ministering to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult himself after the passing of his spouse. Additionally, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas for ministering to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a group of like-minded individuals to share life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth. To celebrate victories and heartaches together. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but if given the chance, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a secure entry point into a larger church, along with a spot to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to deal with extreme loneliness. Covid has worsened the situation. My small, single group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to join via Zoom, but they refused. We are all older and struggle with technology. Still, I need community. So, I started connecting with other groups in different cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
Sometimes I feel too old to be around the younger singles, yet the singles ministries available seem to cater to older singles who could be my parents or grandparents. I often feel lost and struggle to find a better community. Additionally, I have trouble with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To claim our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our focus on Christ and live singleness God's way.
• To embrace the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To keep trusting in God's plan for our future and not lose hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I believe the greatest need for singles is assistance in discovering their purpose and sense of wholeness through following Jesus, rather than trying to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need, and having a supportive church that provided a sense of belonging and helped me find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for less.
—Dawn V., Cody WY, Former Single Parent (Married)
I believe that the biggest need for single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to build relationships with like-minded people to navigate life together. Additionally, this community should hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is also my greatest need.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong is a fundamental human need, yet many singles struggle to find their place in the church. Years ago, this was my greatest need, but I am blessed to have a wonderful group of singles as friends and family—with whom I celebrate victories and heartaches. “Single” is more than just a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest challenge for singles today is finding ways to reduce their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't say this is a personal need because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My most significant need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my enthusiasm, I sometimes find myself in this situation.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table and group discussions, led a women's small group and Bible study, planned and directed events, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
I haven't been helping as much as I should. I’ve had a couple of events at my parents' house—meaning my parents helped host some things. I’ve also helped set up some events, like arranging chairs and other things. Honestly, I don’t know where I fit in.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have an excellent leadership team, and I feel blessed to work with such talented and wonderful people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking across the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents, as well as to inspire and mobilize the Church to care more intentionally for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at the former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Instructor
· Authored books to serve Single Adults
· Singles Conference Speaker & Instructor
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current SAM Leader at my church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've worked in various roles over the past eight years. These include teaching and writing Bible studies, co-facilitating events, serving as a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women to discover and establish their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries, supporting the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your church doesn't have an active singles group, don't hesitate to attend women's events. That was a difficult one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's Bible studies are held during the week and in the mornings (excluding women who were married and worked), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not as much here. If a women's ministry or small group isn't the right fit, don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if there's one available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships, not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for one. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask, or I would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't offer anything for you. Get involved in activities at your church where you can make friends. Also, join outside groups, like the walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and have made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a few times, and he recommended some counseling, which did help. I also believe that having good friends to support me is important. I'm blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with Him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much importance you place on being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time; it is preparation time!
• While waiting, prepare for marriage. Focus on becoming the right person instead of merely looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a cure-all—many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that—a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction, and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate to about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek out a group of like-minded people who can help you connect. Look for a meetup group in your area that involves activities you enjoy (such as dinner, hiking, or running). Find a Bible study group, and if needed, reach out to a biblically sound Christian counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling depends on their relationship with Jesus. If they haven't met Him, I want to share my story—talk about how He's changed my life—and share the Gospel. If they do have a relationship with Jesus, I encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while also offering support or directing them to someone more equipped. I always aim to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has benefited me in many ways over the years. However, I find that multi-generational small groups, including singles and married couples of all ages, are the most impactful. That's why I answered the question about what I would tell my pastor the way I did.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, over 60
My church has activities for my age group where I can make friends and do things together. Also, I have the faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me when I was a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has blessed me with the gift of perspective—the ability to see things in their true context and scope. I understand that I cannot do better for myself than God has already done. Therefore, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him redefine what love is supposed to look like and learning that I could love, be whole, and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships, and only took advice from people whose lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question... LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas He's purposed for my life. I am actively involved in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like traveling alone, but it gives me a sense of balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This might sound cliché, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring marriage, which isn't necessarily a bad thing; the issue for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells—that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing to do before I learned to celebrate being single, but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit immense joy, I've also needed to give myself space and grace to mourn the life I had grown to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and reading the Bible while being involved in my church has greatly improved my walk with God. Serving others has also helped me realize that my focus on myself decreases. This has been especially true for me during the COVID season and all the changes that come with it. I am truly thankful for that time to deepen my relationship with God and experience His blessings.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has impacted each of us differently over the past twenty years.
How did The Singles Network Ministries start?
After a few years of trying to find my way, I realized I needed the Lord back in my life. It was 1989, and I was looking for a place to belong where there were other young adults like me. I wanted a place to learn about God and to worship. Through a new friend, I learned about SOLO: Single Offering Life to Others, led by Pastor Tom Harris.
Through my involvement in their thriving young single adult ministry, I gained not only amazing new friends but also leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministries? I began to pray for this to happen.
Over the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years passed, and I served the Lord in many areas—children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I managed my own advertising agency with several employees. One of my clients was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I directed some of his conferences and developed his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was working on. My passion for singles ministry remained, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of my desires and be open to doing what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles, I started attending and quickly advanced to become a core leader and affiliate staff member with CRU. After a few years, they changed the name to The Singles Network because many singles were coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn decided to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first, only focused locally. I would start receiving calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop their ministries. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
Through my involvement in their thriving young single adult ministry, I gained not only amazing new friends but also leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministries? I began to pray for this to happen.
Over the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years passed, and I served the Lord in many areas—children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I managed my own advertising agency with several employees. One of my clients was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I directed some of his conferences and developed his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was working on. My passion for singles ministry remained, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of my desires and be open to doing what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles, I started attending and quickly advanced to become a core leader and affiliate staff member with CRU. After a few years, they changed the name to The Singles Network because many singles were coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn decided to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first, only focused locally. I would start receiving calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop their ministries. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
How Has Singles Ministry Changed in 20 Years
Wow, this is a loaded question and has many answers. Here is a list below based on my own experience. I am sure there are many other ways it's changed. Feel free to send me your thought ideas at [email protected]
Singles ministry has:
1. The leadership has shifted from being primarily church, pastor, and staff-led to being volunteer-led, except for singles aged 18-30. While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry that addresses different life stages by hiring a pastor or director, I am very grateful that volunteers are permitted to lead. As a result, many singles gather around the world for Bible studies, activities, and service projects.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor dedicated solely to singles, now led by a pastor wearing multiple hats including ministry to one of them.
This change has been ongoing for the past 20 years, but it has intensified during the 2009 recession and Covid. Because pastors often wear many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it difficult to find a church that actively ministers to singles, as the pastor's title often does not reflect this focus.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, and support, we have observed a strong trend of singles ministry starting outside the church. People are using apps like Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp, and they are developing their own databases and websites. Although I am excited that singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly focusing on young singles (18-30ish), then expanding to singles of all ages and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry for anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources had just been created. Churches simply didn't have the resources to support those who found themselves single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (whether formerly married or not), or those who had never married and wanted to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a huge increase in reaching singles of all ages, especially those over 35. As a result, there was also a need for ministry post-recovery. This meant we needed a class, small group, Bible study, seminars, or other options for people to join. They desired community. At this point, we started to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often, pastors would just lump us all into one big group. This didn't work, and they began to realize that.
Initially, especially at larger churches, ministry efforts (and the pastors leading them) targeted young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). However, this requires funding and time. Over time, and due to various reasons I mentioned in this article, pastors were either let go, assigned multiple roles, or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry began to decline. The only exception has been young adults, which many churches continue to serve successfully. Unfortunately, once they outgrow this group, there is often nowhere else for them to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a space to chat, request help, pray, promote events, and more. It has also replaced in-person gatherings. Since the invention of social media, we've seen a significant drop in commitments. People tend to wait until the last minute to show up or sign up and often do not follow through.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
Ninety-nine percent of most singles want to get married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate? When singles ministry started to change across the country, we saw more people marrying someone who was lost, settling for someone, experiencing quick marriages due to lack of accountability or pre-engagement counseling, and singles leaving the church.
The second greatest decision you'll make in life is who you marry, but it's not the second most important one in the church. I believe churches should offer singles ministry so singles can develop safe friendships—friendships that might lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship, to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Although online dating has become more accepted, the percentage of successful, Christ-centered relationships that lead to marriage remains very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they could someday be your spouse, the key is not to get ahead of God's timing. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counseling, and support is the best way to find someone to share the rest of your life with.
7. Single-parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a significant growth in the number of single-parent households, mainly women, including grandparents raising their grandchildren. While I am very grateful for ministries like The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, which assist the local church in launching a single parent ministry, there aren't enough churches doing what they can to serve this large group. Additionally, ministries focused on single dads are no longer available—at least not on a national scale.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blended families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Many churches do not have a singles ministry. As a result, singles might be members of one church but still visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. This can be viewed either positively or negatively. For me, if our churches offered a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support those churches. This doesn't mean there isn't value in meeting other singles from different churches or doing activities together; it simply means our focus should be on serving and investing in one church, allowing relationships to develop and commitment to grow.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we still see an equal number of women and men, mainly because men are actively seeking mates. Additionally, because we don't have the baggage of older singles. Also, churches typically have a vibrant ministry that attracts young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry reaches 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. Of course, this varies from church to church depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, their baggage tends to grow. Sometimes they have been married, raised children alone, or carry past hurts and look to a church for support. Women are open about sharing their emotions and need help, while men often prefer not to. Additionally, women generally outlive men. Finally, if we lack healthy male leadership, women usually find themselves drawing other women. Consequently, these factors cause our older singles ministries to struggle with growth.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, NavPress, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. As a result, these large publishers have stopped printing books, studies, or singles. I continue my studies to promote works by other authors, articles, and resources. Since over half our country is single, I know there is still a significant need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Since there are very few large singles ministries remaining that can afford to host a speaker or organize a major conference, the speakers who used to speak across the US have moved into other areas of ministry. I still travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are over. Nowadays, if you have a group of 100, you are considered blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences, such as SAM and NexGen, are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, which includes leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one point, every major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who assisted their churches in starting and expanding singles ministries. These directors no longer exist.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
Over the past 20 years, we've seen the rise of small group churches. While they reach people that traditional churches might miss, they've been tough on singles ministry. Statistically, if a church has 1000 members, about 1,000 will attend Sunday school, but if the focus is solely on small groups, there might still be 1000 in church, yet only about 400 participate in small groups. This significantly cuts down the numbers for singles small groups. We know singles often find it difficult to attend a small group alone, especially in someone's home, leading to fewer attenders and less community for singles.
Additionally, since the singles ministry has either gone away or shifted focus to only young or senior singles, the Sunday school that remains often overlooks singles in their 30s and 40s.
So, you might be saying, " Gosh, Kris, is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
Singles ministry has:
1. The leadership has shifted from being primarily church, pastor, and staff-led to being volunteer-led, except for singles aged 18-30. While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry that addresses different life stages by hiring a pastor or director, I am very grateful that volunteers are permitted to lead. As a result, many singles gather around the world for Bible studies, activities, and service projects.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor dedicated solely to singles, now led by a pastor wearing multiple hats including ministry to one of them.
This change has been ongoing for the past 20 years, but it has intensified during the 2009 recession and Covid. Because pastors often wear many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it difficult to find a church that actively ministers to singles, as the pastor's title often does not reflect this focus.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, and support, we have observed a strong trend of singles ministry starting outside the church. People are using apps like Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp, and they are developing their own databases and websites. Although I am excited that singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly focusing on young singles (18-30ish), then expanding to singles of all ages and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry for anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources had just been created. Churches simply didn't have the resources to support those who found themselves single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (whether formerly married or not), or those who had never married and wanted to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a huge increase in reaching singles of all ages, especially those over 35. As a result, there was also a need for ministry post-recovery. This meant we needed a class, small group, Bible study, seminars, or other options for people to join. They desired community. At this point, we started to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often, pastors would just lump us all into one big group. This didn't work, and they began to realize that.
Initially, especially at larger churches, ministry efforts (and the pastors leading them) targeted young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). However, this requires funding and time. Over time, and due to various reasons I mentioned in this article, pastors were either let go, assigned multiple roles, or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry began to decline. The only exception has been young adults, which many churches continue to serve successfully. Unfortunately, once they outgrow this group, there is often nowhere else for them to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a space to chat, request help, pray, promote events, and more. It has also replaced in-person gatherings. Since the invention of social media, we've seen a significant drop in commitments. People tend to wait until the last minute to show up or sign up and often do not follow through.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
Ninety-nine percent of most singles want to get married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate? When singles ministry started to change across the country, we saw more people marrying someone who was lost, settling for someone, experiencing quick marriages due to lack of accountability or pre-engagement counseling, and singles leaving the church.
The second greatest decision you'll make in life is who you marry, but it's not the second most important one in the church. I believe churches should offer singles ministry so singles can develop safe friendships—friendships that might lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship, to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Although online dating has become more accepted, the percentage of successful, Christ-centered relationships that lead to marriage remains very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they could someday be your spouse, the key is not to get ahead of God's timing. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counseling, and support is the best way to find someone to share the rest of your life with.
7. Single-parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a significant growth in the number of single-parent households, mainly women, including grandparents raising their grandchildren. While I am very grateful for ministries like The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, which assist the local church in launching a single parent ministry, there aren't enough churches doing what they can to serve this large group. Additionally, ministries focused on single dads are no longer available—at least not on a national scale.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blended families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Many churches do not have a singles ministry. As a result, singles might be members of one church but still visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. This can be viewed either positively or negatively. For me, if our churches offered a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support those churches. This doesn't mean there isn't value in meeting other singles from different churches or doing activities together; it simply means our focus should be on serving and investing in one church, allowing relationships to develop and commitment to grow.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we still see an equal number of women and men, mainly because men are actively seeking mates. Additionally, because we don't have the baggage of older singles. Also, churches typically have a vibrant ministry that attracts young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry reaches 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. Of course, this varies from church to church depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, their baggage tends to grow. Sometimes they have been married, raised children alone, or carry past hurts and look to a church for support. Women are open about sharing their emotions and need help, while men often prefer not to. Additionally, women generally outlive men. Finally, if we lack healthy male leadership, women usually find themselves drawing other women. Consequently, these factors cause our older singles ministries to struggle with growth.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, NavPress, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. As a result, these large publishers have stopped printing books, studies, or singles. I continue my studies to promote works by other authors, articles, and resources. Since over half our country is single, I know there is still a significant need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Since there are very few large singles ministries remaining that can afford to host a speaker or organize a major conference, the speakers who used to speak across the US have moved into other areas of ministry. I still travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are over. Nowadays, if you have a group of 100, you are considered blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences, such as SAM and NexGen, are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, which includes leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one point, every major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who assisted their churches in starting and expanding singles ministries. These directors no longer exist.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
Over the past 20 years, we've seen the rise of small group churches. While they reach people that traditional churches might miss, they've been tough on singles ministry. Statistically, if a church has 1000 members, about 1,000 will attend Sunday school, but if the focus is solely on small groups, there might still be 1000 in church, yet only about 400 participate in small groups. This significantly cuts down the numbers for singles small groups. We know singles often find it difficult to attend a small group alone, especially in someone's home, leading to fewer attenders and less community for singles.
Additionally, since the singles ministry has either gone away or shifted focus to only young or senior singles, the Sunday school that remains often overlooks singles in their 30s and 40s.
So, you might be saying, " Gosh, Kris, is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
What Good Have You Seen in Singles Ministry in the Last Twenty Years?
Below is a list, based on my own experience, of the good things that have happened in the last twenty years. Feel free to send me your thoughts and ideas at [email protected]
Yes, the singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives still have changed.
- Young adult ministry continues to stay strong. Young adult ministry, sometimes called 20 Somethings, continues to thrive in churches. When a church has a college ministry, it often extends its support to those past college age. There are cases where they include current college students, but generally, the focus is on individuals in their post-college years into the late twenties.
Note: Young singles prefer to be called “Young Adults” because of the stigma associated with the term “single.” In the 1990s, there was little singles ministry beyond age 35, so young singles didn’t mind being called “single,” but today, that term carries a different meaning. - Social media has advanced ministry to singles.
Social media, more than anything, has transformed singles ministry. It has led to creating more groups based on ages, life stages, and interests, influenced by the choice of social media platform. It also affects how we meet each other, fellowship through activities, and market our events. Posting something instantly, creating a live video, sharing photos, commenting, and more enable people to see what your ministry is about. Keeping your social media updated and engaging your audience daily is essential to have the greatest impact. - Websites have helped grow the singles ministry.
Everyone agrees that the internet has transformed our lives. When a church lists its singles ministry, including contact information for a leader or pastor, links to social media, details about Sunday school or small groups, and so on, we observe a significant increase in singles' attendance and engagement, which helps the overall growth of the church. - Divorce Care, Griefshare, Celebrate Recovery, and similar programs have changed how we help singles live.
These resources have helped thousands of singles heal from broken marriages, the loss of a spouse, or hang-ups, hurts, and habits. We are grateful that churches continue to recognize the value of offering these programs. - Singles continue to have more friends than married people.
While not all singles leave their homes to meet others, many have found ways to connect and fellowship. Whether through their church, social media, or coworkers and neighbors, once they do connect, they form bonds. Also, singles often consider their friends to be their family—and sometimes closer than family. Jesus provides a perfect example when, on the cross, he asks his disciple John to care for his mother. - Singles are developing more opposite-sex friendships than marrieds.Once you're married, your pool of friends, especially those of the opposite sex, tends to decrease significantly. When you're single, you have the freedom to spend your time building as many friendships as you want. Singles often value their opposite-sex friends for helping them understand each other through support and advice.
Note: We are noticing more singles groups encouraging friendship before pursuing a romantic relationship. - Singles are helping each other more than ever.
We are seeing singles more than ever help each other with financial needs, providing a home, offering resources for child-care, fixing a meal for a shut-in, and coming alongside someone who might be sick or going through a tough time - Single mother ministry needs have gone up, and so have the resources.
While churches may not see the value in ministering to singles, they are usually more sympathetic to single moms. In some areas of the country, the single-parent mom ministry is thriving. Not only are churches and organizations involved, but the US government also offers grants.
Note: Even though ministry to the single dad has been inconsistent over the years, primarily because women are still the primary care providers, and men do not see themselves as single parents unless they have primary custody of their children, some churches are trying to reach both parents. We have noticed an increase in grandparents raising grandkids, and churches have become more aware of the need to help them. - The single ministry is being put under the women’s and men’s ministries.
While churches may not be hiring a pastor over singles, some have moved their ministry to singles under the women’s and men’s ministries, offering support and accountability. This may not be a perfect solution, but it is a way to keep those ministries thriving. - Singles own their junk and get some counseling.
Today, the stigma around seeking counseling is no longer a negative thing. We are seeing more and more singles choose to get help, whether through programs like Celebrate Recovery, their church, or a private counselor. - Pre-engagement counseling is growing.
Because many singles are dating outside the church—meaning they are finding their future spouse through online dating, social media, friends, and other avenues—they may or may not share a pastor who can counsel them about marriage. Once the ring, dress, and venue are booked, if you discover that your pastor disagrees with your choice of partner, you might simply find a new pastor who supports it. Additionally, pre-marriage counseling tends to be too brief.
Pastor Freddy Johnson of North Point Church in Columbia, SC, advocates for pre-engagement counseling. He has repeatedly seen the value of talking to you before getting engaged, asking tough questions, and giving you some homework. - Being Single Not As Much of a Stigma.
Because so many people are single today (over half of the country), the stigma about being single has gone down. We are seeing more singles getting involved in their church's leadership, starting businesses, and thriving in the world today. - Access to training materials.
While the larger publishing companies are no longer printing singles ministry resources, we are seeing a ton of great free online resources that singles have access to more than ever, including our site, The Singles Network Ministries. - Some churches are OK with a single, never-married, and/or divorced pastor.
There was a time when, no matter the circumstances of your broken marriage, a church would hire you as a pastor, but today, some churches look at your past and your healing from it as a value. Of course, each situation is different, and each church makes its own decision, but it’s exciting to see this stat change in the last 20 years. Pastors who are not married are being hired as youth pastors, small-group pastors, education pastors, outreach pastors, single pastors, senior pastors, and interim pastors.
Note: We also see single and married women hired as ministers, directors, and leaders. - Retreats and conferences are still happening, but in smaller ways.
Though the mega singles conference or retreat years are over, smaller ones are still hosted around the country and abroad. Singles are gathering leaders, using church bands (or, in some cases, YouTube for worship), local pastors as speakers, and organizing it with or without their church's help. As a result, we continue to see lives change. Check out: www.laborDaySingles.org - Singles are not giving up, even if they feel the church has.
While it’s sad to see many churches dissolve their singles ministries, we are also seeing more individuals step up and start their own ministries, either within or outside the church. Some are more social-focused, and that’s okay to a certain extent, but healthy ministry requires leaders, a growth plan, accountability, and discipleship. We applaud those leaders who feel called by God and have stepped out in faith—those who have done research, asked for help, and prayed fervently. God is NOT DONE with singles.
Yes, the singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives still have changed.
Thanks for your friendship for over 20 yrs. it's been Joy and rewarding attending your retreats and meetings when possible. Praise God that He has His hand on you in so many ways in your Singles ministry efforts. —Pat, Raleigh, NC
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