The Singles Network Celebrates 20 Years of Ministry
CHANGING ONE SINGLE AT A TIME! by Kris Swiatocho
What Others Are Saying About How Singles Ministry Has Changed in the Last Twenty Years?, Part 4
The Singles Network Celebrates 20 Years of Ministry!
By Kris Swiatocho
CHANGING ONE SINGLE AT A TIME! Part 4
1. What have been some of the changes you have seen in singles ministry that is good and bad?
I have been a part of singles ministry for 30 years (attending and serving). Since 2008, I have seen healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down with no clear explanation and not just in one part of the country. The best ones I have been a part of/served in had leadership that made it a safe place for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community in a safe place for both men and women. Several healthy marriages came out of those groups. I believe what many churches perceive as negative may be that attendance numbers are not higher based on church demographic/overall membership and attendance and then looking at them as not needed or a failed ministry. What I also think from my last Church is they saw it becoming a social event for singles from other local churches that may be more socially awkward. The reality is many do rely on the singles ministries for their social life.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and is not. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t relate to that title. We are just young adults. However, my older friends are OK with being called single. So for me, the good and bad has more to do with how you define singleness in the hopes of reaching singles or developing ministry to them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am thankful to see singles ministry is not entirely gone. Many are being started and led by a volunteer. But I am sad that Churches do not employ pastors to lead singles, leaving it to volunteers who do not have all the resources, experience, or time to lead.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been started
• Partnership/collaboration among singles ministries and ministry leaders
• More self-confidence and less status shame among singles
• More people are looking to God and trusting Him in this season.
The Bad:
• Increased Insecurity, fear, and anxiety due to the pervasive fear brought on by Covid.
• The singles pool has more women than men.
• Many churches have nothing for singles – not a change, just a continuation.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some good changes I have seen are that more churches are starting to intentionally minister to single moms through support groups, childcare help, etc. Unfortunately, I've seen very little happening for single dads or single men. Maybe this is because fewer men than women are interested or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about its concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making other efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense that same excitement or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are attempting to assimilate singles into small group ministries, while other churches don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries which has remained consistent and dedicated in ministry to Single Adults!
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced is a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One of the changes I've seen in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. There appears to have been a shift from an overarching singles group to one more focused on young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors need to work with the singles pastor or leadership to learn/understand the need for a singles ministry. Still, both sides also need to work together to help to ensure it doesn't become an autonomous ministry within the Church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
To not forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. That they need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot. That we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30 but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected to the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your greatest untapped resource in the Church. They have more relational bandwidth because they don't have a spouse to minister to; they need purpose, want community, and may have more available time to invest in volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor knows first-hand the need to minister to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult after the death of his spouse. Also, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas to minister to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a community of like-minded individuals to do life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth.
To celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but given the opportunity, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a safe entry point into a larger church. And a place to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to handle extreme loneliness. Covid has made things worse. My single small group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to zoom, but they didn't want to. We are all older and technically challenged. But I need community. So I started connecting with other groups in other cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I feel sometimes I am too old to be around the younger singles, yet, what singles ministries are out there seem to cater to older singles that could be my parents/grandparents. I feel lost sometimes and struggle for a better community. Also, I struggle with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To own our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our eyes focused on Christ and do singleness in God's way.
• To celebrate the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To continue to believe in God's plan for our future and not give up hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I think the biggest need of singles is help in finding their place of purpose and wholeness following Jesus, rather than seeking to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need and having a great church that helped me have a place to belong and find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for lesser things.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
I feel the biggest need of single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to connect with like-minded individuals to do life together. We also need this community to hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is my greatest need as well.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong. This is a basic need for all humans, yet so many singles struggle to find a place to fit within the church. Years ago, this was my biggest need, but I'm blessed to have a great group of singles to call friends and family, friends to celebrate victories and heartaches with. “Single” is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest need for singles today is finding ways to curtail their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't describe this as a need of mine because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My greatest need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my zeal, I sometimes find myself in this circumstance.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table/group discussions, led a women's small group/bible study, was an event planner and director, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
Not as much as I should be helping. I have had a couple of events at my parents home—meaning, my parents helped host some things. I have helped set up some events like with chairs and things. I will be honest and tell you that I don’t know where I fit.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have a great leadership team, and I am blessed to work with such wonderful and talented people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking around the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents and envision and mobilize the Church to more intentionally care for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Teacher
· Authored books to minister to Single Adults
· Singles' Conference Speaker & Teacher
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current, SAM Leader at my Church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've served in several different areas over the last eight years. Some of those areas include teaching / writing bible studies, co-facilitating events, being a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women into finding and establishing their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries to support the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your Church doesn't have an active singles group, don't shy away from attending women's events - that was a hard one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's bible studies are during the week and later in the morning (women who were married and worked were also excluded), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not so much here. If a women's ministry/small group is not a good fit - don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships and not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for a mentor. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask or would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't have anything for you. Get involved in something at your Church where you can make friends. Also, join groups out of your Church as I have, such as a walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a couple of times, and he recommended some counseling, and it did help. I think also having some great friends to be a support. I am blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much weight you attach to being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time. Waiting time is preparation time!
• While waiting, Prepare for marriage. Become the right person instead of looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a panacea – many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that, a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek a group of like-minded individuals who can help you get connected. Look for a meetup group in your area that participates in things you enjoy (i.e., dinner, hiking, running, etc.) Find a bible study group, and if necessary, reach out to a biblically sound Christian Counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling would depend upon their position with Jesus. If they have not met Him, I would want to tell my story - speak on how He's changed my life - share the Gospel. If they have a relationship with Jesus, I will encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while ministering to the specific need or redirecting to someone more equipped. I always hope to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has helped in so many ways over the years. Still, I find that small groups that were multi-generational with singles and marrieds of all ages were the most impactful - that is why I answered the question about what would you tell your pastor question the way I did. :)
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and my family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
That my church has something for my age group where I could have friends to do things with, also, my faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me as a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has given me the gift of perspective – the ability to view things in their proper place and scope. I know that I can't do better for myself than God can and has done for me. So, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him re-define for me what love was supposed to look like and learning that I could love and be whole and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships and only took advice from people who were living lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question…LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas that He's purposed for my life. I am actively engaged in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like to travel alone, but it gives me balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This may sound cliche, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring for marriage, which is not necessarily a bad thing; the problem for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing I needed to walk through before I learned to celebrate being single but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit unspeakable joy, I've also needed to allow myself space and grace to mourn the life I had come to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and in the Bible while being a part of my church has greatly benefited me in my walk with God. While serving others, I have also found that the focus on me diminishes. This has been true for me, now more than ever, during the season of COVID and all of the accompanying changes. I'm so grateful for that time to strengthen my relationship with God and the subsequent overflow.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has affected each of us differently over the last twenty years. Next month I will be sharing what some pastors and leaders have to say about the last twenty years.
By Kris Swiatocho
CHANGING ONE SINGLE AT A TIME! Part 4
1. What have been some of the changes you have seen in singles ministry that is good and bad?
I have been a part of singles ministry for 30 years (attending and serving). Since 2008, I have seen healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down with no clear explanation and not just in one part of the country. The best ones I have been a part of/served in had leadership that made it a safe place for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community in a safe place for both men and women. Several healthy marriages came out of those groups. I believe what many churches perceive as negative may be that attendance numbers are not higher based on church demographic/overall membership and attendance and then looking at them as not needed or a failed ministry. What I also think from my last Church is they saw it becoming a social event for singles from other local churches that may be more socially awkward. The reality is many do rely on the singles ministries for their social life.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and is not. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t relate to that title. We are just young adults. However, my older friends are OK with being called single. So for me, the good and bad has more to do with how you define singleness in the hopes of reaching singles or developing ministry to them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am thankful to see singles ministry is not entirely gone. Many are being started and led by a volunteer. But I am sad that Churches do not employ pastors to lead singles, leaving it to volunteers who do not have all the resources, experience, or time to lead.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been started
• Partnership/collaboration among singles ministries and ministry leaders
• More self-confidence and less status shame among singles
• More people are looking to God and trusting Him in this season.
The Bad:
• Increased Insecurity, fear, and anxiety due to the pervasive fear brought on by Covid.
• The singles pool has more women than men.
• Many churches have nothing for singles – not a change, just a continuation.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some good changes I have seen are that more churches are starting to intentionally minister to single moms through support groups, childcare help, etc. Unfortunately, I've seen very little happening for single dads or single men. Maybe this is because fewer men than women are interested or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about its concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making other efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense that same excitement or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are attempting to assimilate singles into small group ministries, while other churches don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries which has remained consistent and dedicated in ministry to Single Adults!
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced is a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One of the changes I've seen in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. There appears to have been a shift from an overarching singles group to one more focused on young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors need to work with the singles pastor or leadership to learn/understand the need for a singles ministry. Still, both sides also need to work together to help to ensure it doesn't become an autonomous ministry within the Church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
To not forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. That they need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot. That we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30 but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected to the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your greatest untapped resource in the Church. They have more relational bandwidth because they don't have a spouse to minister to; they need purpose, want community, and may have more available time to invest in volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor knows first-hand the need to minister to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult after the death of his spouse. Also, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas to minister to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a community of like-minded individuals to do life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth.
To celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but given the opportunity, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a safe entry point into a larger church. And a place to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to handle extreme loneliness. Covid has made things worse. My single small group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to zoom, but they didn't want to. We are all older and technically challenged. But I need community. So I started connecting with other groups in other cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I feel sometimes I am too old to be around the younger singles, yet, what singles ministries are out there seem to cater to older singles that could be my parents/grandparents. I feel lost sometimes and struggle for a better community. Also, I struggle with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To own our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our eyes focused on Christ and do singleness in God's way.
• To celebrate the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To continue to believe in God's plan for our future and not give up hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I think the biggest need of singles is help in finding their place of purpose and wholeness following Jesus, rather than seeking to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need and having a great church that helped me have a place to belong and find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for lesser things.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
I feel the biggest need of single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to connect with like-minded individuals to do life together. We also need this community to hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is my greatest need as well.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong. This is a basic need for all humans, yet so many singles struggle to find a place to fit within the church. Years ago, this was my biggest need, but I'm blessed to have a great group of singles to call friends and family, friends to celebrate victories and heartaches with. “Single” is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest need for singles today is finding ways to curtail their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't describe this as a need of mine because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My greatest need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my zeal, I sometimes find myself in this circumstance.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table/group discussions, led a women's small group/bible study, was an event planner and director, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
Not as much as I should be helping. I have had a couple of events at my parents home—meaning, my parents helped host some things. I have helped set up some events like with chairs and things. I will be honest and tell you that I don’t know where I fit.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have a great leadership team, and I am blessed to work with such wonderful and talented people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking around the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents and envision and mobilize the Church to more intentionally care for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Teacher
· Authored books to minister to Single Adults
· Singles' Conference Speaker & Teacher
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current, SAM Leader at my Church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've served in several different areas over the last eight years. Some of those areas include teaching / writing bible studies, co-facilitating events, being a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women into finding and establishing their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries to support the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your Church doesn't have an active singles group, don't shy away from attending women's events - that was a hard one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's bible studies are during the week and later in the morning (women who were married and worked were also excluded), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not so much here. If a women's ministry/small group is not a good fit - don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships and not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for a mentor. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask or would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't have anything for you. Get involved in something at your Church where you can make friends. Also, join groups out of your Church as I have, such as a walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a couple of times, and he recommended some counseling, and it did help. I think also having some great friends to be a support. I am blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much weight you attach to being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time. Waiting time is preparation time!
• While waiting, Prepare for marriage. Become the right person instead of looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a panacea – many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that, a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek a group of like-minded individuals who can help you get connected. Look for a meetup group in your area that participates in things you enjoy (i.e., dinner, hiking, running, etc.) Find a bible study group, and if necessary, reach out to a biblically sound Christian Counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling would depend upon their position with Jesus. If they have not met Him, I would want to tell my story - speak on how He's changed my life - share the Gospel. If they have a relationship with Jesus, I will encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while ministering to the specific need or redirecting to someone more equipped. I always hope to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has helped in so many ways over the years. Still, I find that small groups that were multi-generational with singles and marrieds of all ages were the most impactful - that is why I answered the question about what would you tell your pastor question the way I did. :)
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and my family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
That my church has something for my age group where I could have friends to do things with, also, my faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me as a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has given me the gift of perspective – the ability to view things in their proper place and scope. I know that I can't do better for myself than God can and has done for me. So, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him re-define for me what love was supposed to look like and learning that I could love and be whole and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships and only took advice from people who were living lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question…LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas that He's purposed for my life. I am actively engaged in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like to travel alone, but it gives me balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This may sound cliche, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring for marriage, which is not necessarily a bad thing; the problem for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing I needed to walk through before I learned to celebrate being single but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit unspeakable joy, I've also needed to allow myself space and grace to mourn the life I had come to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and in the Bible while being a part of my church has greatly benefited me in my walk with God. While serving others, I have also found that the focus on me diminishes. This has been true for me, now more than ever, during the season of COVID and all of the accompanying changes. I'm so grateful for that time to strengthen my relationship with God and the subsequent overflow.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has affected each of us differently over the last twenty years. Next month I will be sharing what some pastors and leaders have to say about the last twenty years.
How did The Singles Network Ministries start?, Part 1
After a few years of trying to figure out my own life, I realized I needed the Lord back in my life. It was 1989, and I was searching for a place to fit in where there were young adults like me. I wanted a place to learn about God and to worship. Through a new friend, I found out about SOLO: Single Offering Life to Others, a ministry of St. Mark’s Methodist Church, led by Pastor Tom Harris.
Through their thriving young single adult ministry, I would not only get amazing new friends, but leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO had reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministry. I began to pray for this to happen.
Through the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years would pass, and I would serve the Lord in many areas, from children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I was running my own ad agency with several employees. One of my customers was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I would direct some of his conferences and develop his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was doing. My passion for singles ministry had not changed, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of what I wanted and be willing to do what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles. I started attending and quickly moved up the ranks to be a core leader and affiliate staff with CRU. A few years passed, and they changed the name to The Singles Network due to many singles coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn would decide to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first only focused locally. I would start getting calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop ministry. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
Through their thriving young single adult ministry, I would not only get amazing new friends, but leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO had reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministry. I began to pray for this to happen.
Through the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years would pass, and I would serve the Lord in many areas, from children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I was running my own ad agency with several employees. One of my customers was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I would direct some of his conferences and develop his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was doing. My passion for singles ministry had not changed, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of what I wanted and be willing to do what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles. I started attending and quickly moved up the ranks to be a core leader and affiliate staff with CRU. A few years passed, and they changed the name to The Singles Network due to many singles coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn would decide to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first only focused locally. I would start getting calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop ministry. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
How Has Singles Ministry Changed in 20 Years, Part 2
Wow, this is a loaded question and has many answers. Here is a list below based on my own experience. I am sure there are many other ways it's changed. Feel free to send me your thought ideas at swiatocho@gmail.com
Singles ministry has:
1. Gone from being primarily church, pastor and staff led to being volunteer-led with the exception of singles 18-30.
While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry (breaking singles into life stages), hiring a pastor or director to lead them, I am very thankful that volunteers are allowed to lead. As a result, we have many singles gathering for Bible studies, activities, and service projects around the world.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor focused only on singles to a pastor with five hats that include ministry to one of them.
This change has been happening for the last 20 years, but we have seen this escalate with the recession in 2009 and Covid. As a result of pastors having so many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it challenging to find a church that ministers to singles as the pastor's title doesn't reflect this area.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, support, etc., we have seen a massive trend to singles ministry outside starting outside the church. People are using apps such as Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp and developing their databases and websites. While I am thrilled singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it's is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly on young singles (18-30ish) to singles of all ages back to focus only on young singles and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry to anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources have just been invented. Churches just didn't have the resources to help those that were single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (formerly married or not), or never-married and wanting to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a massive growth of reaching singles of all ages, especially over 35. As a result, there also needed to be ministry post-recovery. Meaning we needed a class, small group, bible study, seminars, etc., for folks to join. They desired community. At this time, we began to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often pastors would just put us all in one big group. This didn't work, and they began to see that.
So, for a while, especially with the larger churches, you saw ministry (and pastors who led it) to young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). But this takes money and time. As time went on, and for some of the other reasons I listed in this article, pastors were either let go, given many different hats or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry would start to fall apart. The only exception to this has been young adults. For a lot of churches, this has continued to do well. But unfortunately, when they are too old for this group, they have nowhere to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a place to chat, request help, pray, promote events, etc. It has also replaced spending time in person. With the invention of social media, we saw a huge drop in commitments. People tend to wait till the last minute to show up or sign up and not show up.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
99% of most singles want to be married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate. When singles ministry started to change around the country, we saw an increase of people marrying someone who was lost, someone they settled for, fast marriages due to not having accountability or pre-engagement counseling available, and singles just leaving the church.
The 2nd greatest decision you will make in life is who you marry, but it's not the 2nd most important one in the church. I believe churches should provide singles ministry so singles can build safe friendships. Friendships that can lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Also, the acceptance of online dating has increased, but the percentage of successful, Christ-focused relationships that had led to marriage is very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they can one day be your spouse, the issue is getting ahead of God. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counsel, etc., is the best way to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life.
7. Single parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a vast increase in the numbers (primarily women) of single-parent homes, including grandparents raising grandkids. While I am super thankful for ministries such as The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, who can help the local church start a single parent ministry, there are simply not enough churches doing what they can to reach this large demographic. And ministry focused on single dads doesn't exist anymore—at least not at a national level.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blending families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Due to many churches not having a singles ministry, we find singles might be a member of one church but will visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. Now, this could be looked upon in a good or bad way. For me, if our churches were to provide a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support that church. This doesn't mean there isn't value to meet other singles from other churches or churches to do things together; it just means our focus would be on serving and sowing into one church, allowing relationships to form and commitment.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we are still seeing an even number of women to men, mainly because men are still seeking mates. Also, because we don't have the baggage of an older single. Also, churches usually have a dynamic ministry that draws young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry is 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. This, of course, varies from church to church, depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, the baggage gets bigger. Sometimes they have been married, raised kids alone, or have past hurts and seek a church for help. Women are not afraid to share their emotions and need support, whereas men prefer not to. Also, women are still outliving men. Lastly, if we do not have healthy male leadership, women typically draw other women. So, as a result of this, our older singles ministries struggle to grow.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, Nav Press, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. So, as a result, these large publishers had stopped printing books or studies or singles. I continue my studies to promote studies of other writers, articles, and resources. Over half our country is single, so I know there is still a considerable need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Because there are very few large singles ministries left that could afford to bring in a speaker or host a large conference, the speakers who were speaking around the US have gone into other areas of ministry. I continue to travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are gone. Today if you have a group of 100, you are blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences such as SAM and NexGen are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, including leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one time, each major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who helped their churches start and grow singles ministry. These directors are all gone now.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
For the last 20 years, we have seen the birth of the small group church. While it is reaching people that the traditional church may not be reaching, it has been disastrous for singles ministry. Statistically, we know that if you have 1000 in church, you will have 1000 in Sunday school, but if you are small group based only, you might have 1000 in church but only 400 in small groups. This dramatically reduces the numbers for singles small groups. We know that singles have a hard time visiting a small group alone, especially in someone's home, and as a result, very few attend, and again, they lose out on the community.
Also, as singles ministry has gone away, or there is focus only on young singles or senior singles, the Sunday school that does exist often misses singles in the 30-40 age range.
So, you might be saying, gosh, Kris is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
Singles ministry has:
1. Gone from being primarily church, pastor and staff led to being volunteer-led with the exception of singles 18-30.
While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry (breaking singles into life stages), hiring a pastor or director to lead them, I am very thankful that volunteers are allowed to lead. As a result, we have many singles gathering for Bible studies, activities, and service projects around the world.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor focused only on singles to a pastor with five hats that include ministry to one of them.
This change has been happening for the last 20 years, but we have seen this escalate with the recession in 2009 and Covid. As a result of pastors having so many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it challenging to find a church that ministers to singles as the pastor's title doesn't reflect this area.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, support, etc., we have seen a massive trend to singles ministry outside starting outside the church. People are using apps such as Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp and developing their databases and websites. While I am thrilled singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it's is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly on young singles (18-30ish) to singles of all ages back to focus only on young singles and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry to anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources have just been invented. Churches just didn't have the resources to help those that were single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (formerly married or not), or never-married and wanting to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a massive growth of reaching singles of all ages, especially over 35. As a result, there also needed to be ministry post-recovery. Meaning we needed a class, small group, bible study, seminars, etc., for folks to join. They desired community. At this time, we began to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often pastors would just put us all in one big group. This didn't work, and they began to see that.
So, for a while, especially with the larger churches, you saw ministry (and pastors who led it) to young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). But this takes money and time. As time went on, and for some of the other reasons I listed in this article, pastors were either let go, given many different hats or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry would start to fall apart. The only exception to this has been young adults. For a lot of churches, this has continued to do well. But unfortunately, when they are too old for this group, they have nowhere to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a place to chat, request help, pray, promote events, etc. It has also replaced spending time in person. With the invention of social media, we saw a huge drop in commitments. People tend to wait till the last minute to show up or sign up and not show up.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
99% of most singles want to be married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate. When singles ministry started to change around the country, we saw an increase of people marrying someone who was lost, someone they settled for, fast marriages due to not having accountability or pre-engagement counseling available, and singles just leaving the church.
The 2nd greatest decision you will make in life is who you marry, but it's not the 2nd most important one in the church. I believe churches should provide singles ministry so singles can build safe friendships. Friendships that can lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Also, the acceptance of online dating has increased, but the percentage of successful, Christ-focused relationships that had led to marriage is very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they can one day be your spouse, the issue is getting ahead of God. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counsel, etc., is the best way to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life.
7. Single parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a vast increase in the numbers (primarily women) of single-parent homes, including grandparents raising grandkids. While I am super thankful for ministries such as The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, who can help the local church start a single parent ministry, there are simply not enough churches doing what they can to reach this large demographic. And ministry focused on single dads doesn't exist anymore—at least not at a national level.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blending families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Due to many churches not having a singles ministry, we find singles might be a member of one church but will visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. Now, this could be looked upon in a good or bad way. For me, if our churches were to provide a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support that church. This doesn't mean there isn't value to meet other singles from other churches or churches to do things together; it just means our focus would be on serving and sowing into one church, allowing relationships to form and commitment.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we are still seeing an even number of women to men, mainly because men are still seeking mates. Also, because we don't have the baggage of an older single. Also, churches usually have a dynamic ministry that draws young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry is 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. This, of course, varies from church to church, depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, the baggage gets bigger. Sometimes they have been married, raised kids alone, or have past hurts and seek a church for help. Women are not afraid to share their emotions and need support, whereas men prefer not to. Also, women are still outliving men. Lastly, if we do not have healthy male leadership, women typically draw other women. So, as a result of this, our older singles ministries struggle to grow.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, Nav Press, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. So, as a result, these large publishers had stopped printing books or studies or singles. I continue my studies to promote studies of other writers, articles, and resources. Over half our country is single, so I know there is still a considerable need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Because there are very few large singles ministries left that could afford to bring in a speaker or host a large conference, the speakers who were speaking around the US have gone into other areas of ministry. I continue to travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are gone. Today if you have a group of 100, you are blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences such as SAM and NexGen are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, including leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one time, each major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who helped their churches start and grow singles ministry. These directors are all gone now.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
For the last 20 years, we have seen the birth of the small group church. While it is reaching people that the traditional church may not be reaching, it has been disastrous for singles ministry. Statistically, we know that if you have 1000 in church, you will have 1000 in Sunday school, but if you are small group based only, you might have 1000 in church but only 400 in small groups. This dramatically reduces the numbers for singles small groups. We know that singles have a hard time visiting a small group alone, especially in someone's home, and as a result, very few attend, and again, they lose out on the community.
Also, as singles ministry has gone away, or there is focus only on young singles or senior singles, the Sunday school that does exist often misses singles in the 30-40 age range.
So, you might be saying, gosh, Kris is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
What Good Have You Seen in Singles Ministry in the Last Twenty Years?, Part 3
Here is a list below based on my own experience of the good things that have happened in the last twenty years. Feel free to send me your thoughts and ideas at Kris@TheSinglesNetwork.org
Yes, singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives have still changed. Next month, we will focus on a few singles and their perspective on how singles ministry has changed over the last twenty years and their suggestion to make it better.
- Young adult ministry continues to stay strong.
Young adult ministry (sometimes referred to as 20 Somethings) continues to thrive in churches. If a church has a college ministry, they often continue to minister to that post-college. There are instances where they might include those in college, but for the most part, they are post-college into the late twenties.
Note: Young singles prefer to be called “Young Adults” due to the stigma of what a “single” means. In the 1990s, there wasn’t much singles ministry past 35, so young singles didn’t mind being called “single,” but today, it has a different meaning. - Social media has advanced ministry to singles.
Social media, more than anything, has changed singles ministry. From creating more groups based on ages, life stage, and interest (due to the choice of social media platform) to how we meet each other, how we fellowship (activities), how we market, social media plays a key role. Posting something instantly, creating a live video, posting photos, commenting, etc., allows people to see what your ministry is about. Keeping your social media updated, engaging your audience daily to have the most impact is essential. - Websites have helped grow the singles ministry.
Everyone agrees that the web has changed all of our lives. When a church lists singles ministry, specifically with contact information of a leader or pastor, links to social media, offers Sunday school or small groups, etc., we have seen tremendous growth in attendance of singles to that church and involvement to help the overall church grow. - Divorce Care, Griefshare, Celebrate Recovery, and similar programs have changed how we help singles live.
These resources have helped thousands of singles get healed from broken marriages, loss of a spouse or hang-ups, hurts, and habits. We are thankful that churches continue to see the value of offering these programs. - Singles continue to have more friends than marrieds.
While not all singles get out of their home and meet others, many have figured out ways to meet and fellowship. Whether through their church, social media platform, or workmates and neighbors, once they do connect, they are bonding.
Also, singles consider their friends to be their family (and, in some cases, closer than family). Jesus gives us a great example when on the cross, he has his best friend, John, to take care of his mother. - Singles are developing more opposite-sex friendships than marrieds.
Once you are married, your friendship pool, especially those of the opposite sex, goes way down. When you are single, you have the flexibility of your time to build as many friends as you want. Singles value their opposite-sex friends in helping them understand each other by offering support and help.
Note: We are seeing more singles groups encourage friendship before dating. - Singles are helping each other more than ever.
We are seeing singles more than ever help each other with financial needs, providing a home, offering resources for child-care, fixing a meal to a shut-in, and coming alongside someone who might be sick or going through a tough time - Single mother ministry needs have gone up and so have the resources.
While churches may not see the value of ministering to singles, they are usually more sympathetic to the single mom. In some areas of the country, the single-parent mom ministry is thriving. Not only are churches and organizations involved, but there are also grants offered through our US government.
Note: Even though ministry to the single dad has been inconsistent over the years, primarily because women are still the primary care provider, and men do not see themselves as single parents unless they have primary custody of their children, some churches are trying to reach both parents. We have noticed an increase in grandparents raising grandkids, and churches have become more aware of the need to help them. - Single ministry is being put under the women’s and men’s ministries.
While churches may not be hiring a pastor over singles, some have moved their ministry to singles under the women’s and men’s ministries, offering support and accountability. This may not be a perfect solution, but it is a way to keep those ministries thriving. - Singles own their junk and get some counseling.
Today, the stigma of getting counseling is not a bad thing. We are seeing more and more singles opt to get some help, whether through a program such as Celebrate Recovery, their church, or a private counselor. - Pre-engagement counseling is growing.
Because so many singles are dating outside the church, meaning they are finding their future mate through online dating, social media connections, friends, etc., they may or may not have a pastor in common to counsel them when it comes to getting married. Once the ring and dress are bought, and the venue rented, if you find that your pastor disagrees with your choice of future mate, you will often just find a new pastor who does. Also, pre-marriage counseling is too short.
Pastor Freddy Johnson of North Point Church in Columbia, SC, is an advocate for pre-engagement counseling. He has seen time and time again the value of talking to you before getting engaged, asking some of those hard questions, and giving you some homework. - Being Single Not As Much of a Stigma.
Because so many people are single today (over half of the country), the stigma about being single has gone down. We are seeing more singles getting involved in the leadership of their church, starting businesses, and thriving in the world today. - Access to training materials.
While the larger publishing companies are not printing singles ministry resources anymore, we are seeing a ton of great free online resources that singles have access to more than ever, including www.TheSingleNetwork.org. - Some churches are OK with a single, never married, and/or divorced pastor.
There was a time when no matter the circumstances of your broken marriage would, a church hire you as a pastor, but today, some churches look at your past and your healing from it as a value. Of course, each situation is different, and each church makes its own decision, but it’s exciting to see this stat change in the last 20 years. Pastors who are not married are being hired as youth pastors and small groups, education, outreach, single, senior and interim pastors.
Note: We also see single and married women hired as ministers, directors, and leaders. - Retreats and conferences are still happening but in smaller ways.
While the mega singles conference or retreat years are gone, we are still seeing smaller ones hosted around the country and abroad. Singles are gathering leaders, using church bands (or, in some cases, Youtube for worship), local pastors as speakers, and organizing it with or without their church help. And as a result, we are still seeing lives change. Check out: www.laborDaySingles.org - Singles are not giving up, even if they feel the church has.
While it’s sad to see so many churches dissolve their singles ministries, we are seeing more individuals step up and start their own ministries, within or outside the church. Some are more social-based, and it’s ok to a point, but healthy ministry has leaders, a plan to grow, accountability, and discipleship. We applaud those leaders who feel the call of God and have stepped out in faith. Who have done the research, asked for help, and prayed and prayed and prayed. God is NOT DONE with singles.
Yes, singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives have still changed. Next month, we will focus on a few singles and their perspective on how singles ministry has changed over the last twenty years and their suggestion to make it better.
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