The Singles Network Celebrates 20 Years of Ministry
CHANGING ONE SINGLE AT A TIME! by Kris Swiatocho
Conferences, Retreats and More? Where are they?
I have often been asked, where have all the retreats and conferences gone? Well, just like with all singles ministry, it’s a demand and supply. The more significant events relied on churches for support, in some cases financially, large busloads of singles, and a team of leaders and singles pastors for direction. But when singles ministry changed, it affected everything from conferences, retreats, book sales, magazine subscriptions, and more.
In the past 30 years, there used to have annual conferences in every denomination. Also, there was the SAM conference, a week-long training event that moved to different cities each year and focused on those who pastor or lead singles. The first part of the week was geared towards those who lead young singles. Cook Publishing would bring in the biggest and the best speakers, including Henry Cloud, Anne Graham Lots, and Tony Evans. They would offer 30 or more workshops on every topic you could think of led by singles ministry experts. There were also leadership training events all over the country, including SPFM: Single Parent Family Ministry, Divorce Care, and Griefshare. Christian Single by Lifeway, SAM Journal, and Living Solo were physical publications geared towards singles. Every state offers annual leaders or singles events. Every church of 500 or more conducted its own conference or retreat. Even Klove Christian radio did an annual cruise offering singles ministry.
Last but not least, there was the Metro Conference. A conference focused on those who lead mega singles ministry of 1000 or more single adults. All of these are gone.
But I can hear you saying, “But the numbers of singles have gone up; why would singles ministry go down?” Well, this is the million-dollar question that I have given some answers to in previous articles. But here are a few reasons and some ideas for solutions:
Solution: Start with something small, like a one-hour workshop. Build a team of leaders who, in return, will build the ministry. A retreat or conference may not be what your ministry needs to grow.
Here are a few national ministries or events still going on.
• www.LaborDaysingles.org is an annual retreat first started by Lifeway that is still going in the NC Mountains.
• Sandy Cove Conference in MD still makes annual singles retreats.
• www.NWSinglesRetreat.com offers an annual singles retreat on Montana memorial weekend.
• The Life of a Single mom and Arise Single moms host annual events.
• Large churches are still doing their retreats or conferences around the country and in the UK.
• Para-organizations are also doing retreats and conferences, often self-supported.
• Young adult conferences and retreats are still happening within most churches.
• An occasional cruise for singles.
So, is there anything we can do to change this? To bring back those mega conferences with Henry Cloud as our speaker? Tony Evans? Well, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of money and resources. However, there is no reason we can’t continue to do the small conferences and retreats. So, grab a few friends, rent a house at the beach, talk to your Divorce Care or Griefshare leadership, and brainstorm ideas to host a conference for the day. Host a workshop event where folks bring their food, zoom in as a speaker for a love offering, and have a small group discussion. The point is to move forward, and even though the days of the mega conferences and retreats are few and far between, there is no reason you can’t still do something to reach singles; it all starts with a cup of coffee and a heart like Jesus.
Bring Kris to your city, contact her today!
In the past 30 years, there used to have annual conferences in every denomination. Also, there was the SAM conference, a week-long training event that moved to different cities each year and focused on those who pastor or lead singles. The first part of the week was geared towards those who lead young singles. Cook Publishing would bring in the biggest and the best speakers, including Henry Cloud, Anne Graham Lots, and Tony Evans. They would offer 30 or more workshops on every topic you could think of led by singles ministry experts. There were also leadership training events all over the country, including SPFM: Single Parent Family Ministry, Divorce Care, and Griefshare. Christian Single by Lifeway, SAM Journal, and Living Solo were physical publications geared towards singles. Every state offers annual leaders or singles events. Every church of 500 or more conducted its own conference or retreat. Even Klove Christian radio did an annual cruise offering singles ministry.
Last but not least, there was the Metro Conference. A conference focused on those who lead mega singles ministry of 1000 or more single adults. All of these are gone.
But I can hear you saying, “But the numbers of singles have gone up; why would singles ministry go down?” Well, this is the million-dollar question that I have given some answers to in previous articles. But here are a few reasons and some ideas for solutions:
- Contemporary churches started by the hundreds, pulling our singles away from traditional churches. These new churches do not offer Sunday school but small groups. Sunday school is still the primary way singles gather. Without a place to gather, single adults stop coming to church.
Solution: Bring back Sunday school, but if you can’t think about offering a small group that meets on Sunday morning at the church just for singles. - Defining who a single is/was has become more complex. As a result, marketing to this demographic is tricky and hard to figure out.
Solution: Focus on the largest demographic of single adults. You need to reach and market to them first. As time goes on, as your numbers increase in other demographics, then you can start marketing to them. - Lack of training for pastors and leaders in this area of ministry. Also, the ones that do lead it have been married their whole lives. As a result, they don’t understand or relate as well. Often, they feel they are babysitting adults.
Solution: Build leaders from within the singles ministry to lead those who are single or were single. Also, consult with Kris Swiatocho of The Singles Network Ministries for help. - Ever-increasing social media, online dating, and para-ministry are replacing traditional connections in the church first. As a result, there is no spiritual covering to protect singles. There is no way to control the leadership, what is being taught, and who is attending.
Solution: Bring singles ministry back to the church or offer a type of Spiritual covering over a ministry that functions off church grounds. This way, you can both benefit. - Churches fear singles ministry will turn into hookup ministry. Because of a lack of leadership, like with all ministries, can quickly become unhealthy or dysfunctional.
Solution: The church needs to be in charge of teaching singles about all relationships, helping them to become the right person to meet the right person. The church needs to be in charge of assisting singles to get married. A great way to do this is by offering the Intentional Relationship Bible study as part of the church's resources. You might not be able to start a singles ministry, but you can at least offer to minister to them. Also, I suggest ordering Leadership That Last curriculum on this website. It’s a 6-week course to build leaders. - Conferences and retreats often take a lot of work and yield low results based on what church leadership sees. However, conferences, workshops, and retreats are great ways to create a door into the church that may not have in other ways. While they take work, the result could be life-changing for that single adult.
Solution: Start with something small, like a one-hour workshop. Build a team of leaders who, in return, will build the ministry. A retreat or conference may not be what your ministry needs to grow.
Here are a few national ministries or events still going on.
• www.LaborDaysingles.org is an annual retreat first started by Lifeway that is still going in the NC Mountains.
• Sandy Cove Conference in MD still makes annual singles retreats.
• www.NWSinglesRetreat.com offers an annual singles retreat on Montana memorial weekend.
• The Life of a Single mom and Arise Single moms host annual events.
• Large churches are still doing their retreats or conferences around the country and in the UK.
• Para-organizations are also doing retreats and conferences, often self-supported.
• Young adult conferences and retreats are still happening within most churches.
• An occasional cruise for singles.
So, is there anything we can do to change this? To bring back those mega conferences with Henry Cloud as our speaker? Tony Evans? Well, as with most things in life, it’s a matter of money and resources. However, there is no reason we can’t continue to do the small conferences and retreats. So, grab a few friends, rent a house at the beach, talk to your Divorce Care or Griefshare leadership, and brainstorm ideas to host a conference for the day. Host a workshop event where folks bring their food, zoom in as a speaker for a love offering, and have a small group discussion. The point is to move forward, and even though the days of the mega conferences and retreats are few and far between, there is no reason you can’t still do something to reach singles; it all starts with a cup of coffee and a heart like Jesus.
Bring Kris to your city, contact her today!
Singles in the News, in the last 20 years
When I first started in singles ministry, numerous online and physical magazines were solely focused on singles adults. Some were Christian Single (CS) by Lifeway, Living Solo Magazine by Single Adult Ministries, and the SAM Journal (a leader’s magazine) by Cook Publishing (all of these are gone). There were also denominational newspapers and magazines featuring articles on singleness, such as Home Life and Crosswalk (I wrote for them for many years). Christian and non-Christian newspapers around the country also featured articles on singles. The topics ranged from online dating, divorce recovery, and being a widow/er, to budgeting as a single parent.
There were also radio and TV shows that featured stories on the lives of singles, including Moody Bible Radio featuring single, adult, and Doctor Lina Abujamra. I have been interviewed more times than I can remember over the years. Even today, I still get interviewed on the Community Spotlight of the Light FM and a local TV station, WGGS. There was also a time when you could get some type of media to show up at an event. I remember hosting large conferences in the early 2000s, and local TV stations would come out and do a human interest story.
But of course, there has also been the negative side. Various non-Christian public relations firms have contacted me over the years wanting me to support TV shows focused on singleness. Shows include meeting someone in 60 seconds, marrying them or marrying someone your parents picked for you, online dating four girls/guys in one night to pick one to marry, etc. These shows not only leave God out of the equations but promote marriage among strangers, making a mockery of God’s design.
Of course, let’s not forget the zillion TV shows, romance books, and movies that depict singleness as a journey with only one focus, finding the “one.” Even if it means backstabbing, lying, manipulation, and promiscuity to get them, while most singles do want to be married, our history of divorce shows us how little we truly understand or know how to be married or stay married by God’s design. While the percentage of Christ-focused marriages who have divorced is very low*, a high number of those either choose not to be married due to fear of a possible divorce or simply have no idea how to get or be married. Churches have stopped providing singles ministry where singles build safe friendships while learning about marriage and how to prepare. A place they can also learn the value of being single.
I am thankful for the many churches that offer resources to those who have divorced, lost their spouse, are going through financial difficulties, and/or need counseling. I am also thankful to the many churches that still have college and young adult ministry.
See below for a few articles I was either featured in or wrote back in the day. Wow, how things have changed. I am thankful for the many people supporting ministry to singles over the years. Not everyone has forgotten singles adults, even though it feels like it most of the time.
Join me in prayer:
For churches to:
• Open their eyes to start and develop a ministry to us, to extend their 20-something ministry to ’30s, ’40s, and so forth.
• Realize singles outnumber marrieds, and it’s getting worse; this was not God’s design.
• Bring my new study, “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” to their churches; for it to be a regular resource to help singles build healthier friends, family, work, and church relationships and ultimately romantic relationships that lead to Christ-focused marriage.
• Continue to provide post-divorce and grief ministry resources
For our media to provide open dialogue, whether online, in print, on radio, on a podcast, or TV, to help Christian singles adults in their daily lives. Please pray that God can use me to be one of those voices. I am thankful that I speak on Live Facebook each Sunday night, a message to encourage singles.
For me, so I can keep leading The Singles Network Ministries for another 20 years and that God would provide the next generation of leaders.
*The stats make us think that Christian marriages fail as quickly as non-Christian marriages; however, this stat is wrong. Remember, when people fill out a marriage license, they will often say they are Christian without being saved or a follower of Christ. I have only seen a few divorces from my experience of leading singles ministry for 20 years.—literally out of 100 marriages, maybe 2-3. And those divorces were from people who fell away from Christ (one or both of them) or lacked the maturity, to begin with when they got married. Often they were couples who had not been friends long enough, sought counseling, or were held accountable prior to getting married. I am not saying that two people who love Christ don't’ get divorced; what I am saying is the number is very, very low, only proving how when we are both focused on Christ, we can get through anything.
There were also radio and TV shows that featured stories on the lives of singles, including Moody Bible Radio featuring single, adult, and Doctor Lina Abujamra. I have been interviewed more times than I can remember over the years. Even today, I still get interviewed on the Community Spotlight of the Light FM and a local TV station, WGGS. There was also a time when you could get some type of media to show up at an event. I remember hosting large conferences in the early 2000s, and local TV stations would come out and do a human interest story.
But of course, there has also been the negative side. Various non-Christian public relations firms have contacted me over the years wanting me to support TV shows focused on singleness. Shows include meeting someone in 60 seconds, marrying them or marrying someone your parents picked for you, online dating four girls/guys in one night to pick one to marry, etc. These shows not only leave God out of the equations but promote marriage among strangers, making a mockery of God’s design.
Of course, let’s not forget the zillion TV shows, romance books, and movies that depict singleness as a journey with only one focus, finding the “one.” Even if it means backstabbing, lying, manipulation, and promiscuity to get them, while most singles do want to be married, our history of divorce shows us how little we truly understand or know how to be married or stay married by God’s design. While the percentage of Christ-focused marriages who have divorced is very low*, a high number of those either choose not to be married due to fear of a possible divorce or simply have no idea how to get or be married. Churches have stopped providing singles ministry where singles build safe friendships while learning about marriage and how to prepare. A place they can also learn the value of being single.
I am thankful for the many churches that offer resources to those who have divorced, lost their spouse, are going through financial difficulties, and/or need counseling. I am also thankful to the many churches that still have college and young adult ministry.
See below for a few articles I was either featured in or wrote back in the day. Wow, how things have changed. I am thankful for the many people supporting ministry to singles over the years. Not everyone has forgotten singles adults, even though it feels like it most of the time.
Join me in prayer:
For churches to:
• Open their eyes to start and develop a ministry to us, to extend their 20-something ministry to ’30s, ’40s, and so forth.
• Realize singles outnumber marrieds, and it’s getting worse; this was not God’s design.
• Bring my new study, “Intentional Relationships for Singles,” to their churches; for it to be a regular resource to help singles build healthier friends, family, work, and church relationships and ultimately romantic relationships that lead to Christ-focused marriage.
• Continue to provide post-divorce and grief ministry resources
For our media to provide open dialogue, whether online, in print, on radio, on a podcast, or TV, to help Christian singles adults in their daily lives. Please pray that God can use me to be one of those voices. I am thankful that I speak on Live Facebook each Sunday night, a message to encourage singles.
For me, so I can keep leading The Singles Network Ministries for another 20 years and that God would provide the next generation of leaders.
*The stats make us think that Christian marriages fail as quickly as non-Christian marriages; however, this stat is wrong. Remember, when people fill out a marriage license, they will often say they are Christian without being saved or a follower of Christ. I have only seen a few divorces from my experience of leading singles ministry for 20 years.—literally out of 100 marriages, maybe 2-3. And those divorces were from people who fell away from Christ (one or both of them) or lacked the maturity, to begin with when they got married. Often they were couples who had not been friends long enough, sought counseling, or were held accountable prior to getting married. I am not saying that two people who love Christ don't’ get divorced; what I am saying is the number is very, very low, only proving how when we are both focused on Christ, we can get through anything.
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Why Are You Single? Summary of the Last 20 Years
“I know why I am single. I'm selfish,” said one of the folks at my last speaking event. It was a Friday night in Salisbury, North Carolina. I was speaking at a church using my study, Jesus, Single Like Me.
Before I spoke at this church, I spent some time getting to know them better so that the message God has given me to share is more applicable. Also, I love to be able to direct comments to those in my audience based on things they have said to me. So, as usual, I walked around and started talking to people. People often ask me where I am from and if I have been married or have kids. But then, a new question came up. “So Kris, why are YOU single?” I was like, “What? Why am I single?” I had never thought of that question or the answer I might give.
So before I answered the question of an anxiously awaiting audience at my table, I turned the question around and asked them first. I was simply amazed at the answers they came up with. As I listened to each person, I knew I needed to share their responses. I don't think I realized there would be so many, and they would vary so much. Maybe their answers will help to answer your own. Perhaps their answers will affirm what God is doing in your life. Possibly their answers will convict you of what you need to be doing. So you be the judge. . . .
“So why are you single?” I asked.
SUSIE: “To be quite simple, I am selfish. I like to have my way about everything; a man just does not fit in my life. I know it’s not the greatest attribute, but it is simply where I am right now.”
As I listened to Susie, I could not help thinking of what had happened in her life to make her so selfish. Had she taken things from her as a child or even as an adult? Was it just old-fashioned sin? As a Christian, how could she be OK with her answer? How could she not want to work on this area of her life? Or perhaps, her selfishness was used as an excuse or barrier to forming true and meaningful relationships. Nevertheless, I continued to listen and interceded with prayer.
The Lord tells us how important it is to turn our hearts and lives towards him. As we focus on him and value others above ourselves, our relationship grows stronger with the Lord. As we grow stronger in Christ, we can deal with/reject the junk, the pain, the hurt, and the sin that comes our way.
Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. (Psalm 119:36).
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility, value others above yourselves (Phil. 2:3).
JOE: “I lost my wife to cancer a few years ago. I hated being alone. I was so lonely. I started to date, but I expected too much too soon. I was rejected over and over. I think I should stay single and not get hurt anymore.”
As I listened to Joe, I knew firsthand what he was saying. Even though I had not lost a spouse or had a divorce, I had two engagements to end, not to mention other broken relationships. I know what relational pain is and how it can keep you from developing new relationships. My concern for Joe was how quickly he may have started dating after his wife's death. Maybe the rejections were due to how others perceived him. Perhaps they could tell he was still grieving. Joe needs time to heal, to rest in the Lord. He needs to focus on building friendships of all kinds, allowing God to tell him the next step. He also needs to be involved with serving others, so the focus is on others versus himself. I know the more I work for the Lord, surrounded by my Christian friends, the less lonely I feel.
God tells us in his Word the value of taking the time to rest to heal before moving on. We can't get clear direction or peace if our vision is foggy. We also cannot pour out of an empty vessel. We have to go to the source that gives us the strength to endure whatever God has allowed us to go through—strength that will eventually allow us to pour into others again, to have the relationship God wants.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).
The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help (1 Tim. 5:5).
TOM: “Because I know no one would want to live with me.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean, Tom? You seem like a nice man.” “Well, if you knew me, you would understand. I am thankful to these guys here at church who have learned to put up with me.” Everyone started to laugh. I said, “OK, Tom, spill it. What do you mean?” Tom went on to say he loves to talk about politics, religion, and sports. But not necessarily in that order. I was like, “Yeah, I think I hear my phone ringing. I was just joking, Tom. Seriously Tom, politics, religion, and sports. Yeah, I just love it. I am a big Fox network fan. So what do you think of Biden and Trump? Umm, Tom, I think I do hear my phone ringing. LOL. OK, I see what you mean. So, your passion for these topics runs most folks off.” Tom went on to say it was more than his passion. He said he could sometimes be argumentative and overly opinionated. Well, at least that is what he has been told. I said, “Tom, do you think you need to make some changes? Perhaps what you are passionate about is not the problem, but it’s how it comes out of your mouth?” He thought about it and said, “Well, you might have a point.”
I think a lot of folks struggle with what comes out of their mouths. Years ago, I prayed that God would take away my personality and make me a meek, quiet woman. Then God said to me, “Kris, I made you an extrovert with a big mouth. I just want you to use that mouth for me, glorify me, and bring others to me.” Praise the Lord now for how he made you but realize he made you for him. And because he made you for him, all that we speak and do needs to be for his purpose, honor, and glory. Being right in the Lord is much more important than being right for us. Don't let your mouth keep you from being approachable by others.
Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise (Psalm. 51:15).
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
DONNA: “I like my independence and prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. I love it.”
“I hear you, Donna,” I thought to myself. “I am right there with you, girl.” I have always loved living alone, too. I know many folks hate it, but I loved it like her. I also love not having to ask any man if I can buy this or that, tell them when I will be home, where or when I am traveling somewhere, etc. But with this lifestyle CAN also come a lack of accountability. As I listened to Donna, I wondered if she was using this independence to do more for God, or was it more about control?
Several years ago, my dad passed away, and my mom hated living alone. So long story short, we decided to buy a home together. We both agreed it would be a great solution as we could split finances, hold each other accountable, and share life's burdens. Well, to be honest, at first, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have had to make a lot of sacrifices. Like Donna, I have
learned that I am very selfish. This selfishness leads to blindness, blind to others’ needs. Even though there are days that I remember my "independence" and want it back, God also reminds me of how much better off I am to stay. I have grown closer to not only my mom but also to the Lord. And that was the goal in all of this, right?
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms (1 Peter 4:10).
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love—honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited (Rom. 12:9-16).
SONYA: “I have not met the right person yet.”
I love Sonya's answer. She didn't appear to be in any rush. She said she was waiting on God to bring the right person along. She shared at the table that she had tried dating sites (and got discouraged), had friends set her up, and even tried speed dating. She said being a single mom with three kids doesn't help either. Most men are not interested in an instant family. Each time she ventured out alone, God brought her back to just him. So now, she says she has stopped looking. She is enjoying her time at church with her single and married friends. “Now, don't get me wrong,” she said. “I am keeping my eyes open. I am allowing God to bring him to me versus the other way around.”
Sonya gives us great direction in how all of our life should be, seeking the Lord first. As we seek the Lord, all things will come to us as he wills it. Sonya also reminds us of how important fellowship with others is. Our purpose in life is a relationship with the Lord that glorifies him and, out of that relationship, a relationship with others to bring them to Christ. So everything we do in this life needs to align with that purpose. So every new person you meet, ask yourself and God why he brought them into your life. Perhaps it is to lead them to the Lord, to edify and encourage, just to be a friend or date for marriage. God will direct our paths as we seek and stay in his light.
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” (Psalm. 40:16).
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
MARIA: “I am not ready yet.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, I am not ready yet. I have some junk to work out in my life. There are some things I think God wants to change in me to help prepare me for marriage. So until then, I choose to stay single.” I went on to ask about what things. She didn't go into much detail other than to say that she was working on her health and finances. While in her twenties, she didn't care for her money or body. She said she wasn't following the Lord then. She partied, ate whatever she wanted, and charged the limit on several credit cards. Now that she is older, she wants to settle down. So she started going to church, got saved, and prayed for God to help her work on herself in some areas. She said she wasn't there yet but was getting close.
Wow, I am so proud of her. She wants to become the right person before marrying the right person. Of course, she nor I am saying you have to have it all together. But if you know you have a ton of debt, bad credit, anger issues, addictions, etc., getting married doesn't make them go away. It can make them worse. So the fact that Maria is aware of some of her issues and how they could affect her future marriage is fantastic. Even if she never marries, the fact she is working on some of these issues will only draw her closer to God, as he heals and transforms her into his image.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Cor. 16:19-20).
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
CHANTELL: “I can do more for God. I believe he called me to be single.”
“Really?” I asked. “Well, Paul talks about being single and how you can serve the Lord more. I think I really can. I was once married when I was young. I have now been single for over 25 years. My son is also all grown up and has a family. I love that I can do whatever God wants me to at the drop of a hat. I especially love going on mission trips. So for me, it is where I choose to be. If God wants me married, I am open to that, but I seriously think he prefers me singles. I do enjoy where God has me.”
Praise the Lord, Chantell, that you have found this miraculous place called "contentment." If only the world would get it. If so, there would be no more fights, war, greed . . . well, you get the idea. People would simply be happy where God has them until he moves them somewhere else. And if this is where God wants them, what are we doing about it. I love how Chantell has learned to serve and do for the Lord where she is. This contentment has also brought her a quiet, calm spirit because she doesn't have to be anxious about anything. She can just "be," knowing God will provide the next step as he wills it.
But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content (Psalm. 131:2).
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).
So I guess it’s finally my turn to answer the question. I am single because….
When I was younger, I was like most women in that I wanted to get married. I have dated and been engaged a couple of times. However, through all the relationships, it was God's relationship that I sought most. Now do I feel called to be single forever? No. I still desire to have a mate one day. However, the focus of my daily life isn't looking for a man. I have never speed-dated or browsed the personals. You would never catch me online dating (too much pain and rejection there). I am old-fashioned because I believe God will bring him to me or me to him. So while I am waiting, I am living life to its fullest, to abundance. I am serving, growing, ministering, and sharing my life. I have learned the joy of being content like Chantell. I am called to be single until he moves me somewhere else, and I love it.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).
So . . . why are you single?
Before I spoke at this church, I spent some time getting to know them better so that the message God has given me to share is more applicable. Also, I love to be able to direct comments to those in my audience based on things they have said to me. So, as usual, I walked around and started talking to people. People often ask me where I am from and if I have been married or have kids. But then, a new question came up. “So Kris, why are YOU single?” I was like, “What? Why am I single?” I had never thought of that question or the answer I might give.
So before I answered the question of an anxiously awaiting audience at my table, I turned the question around and asked them first. I was simply amazed at the answers they came up with. As I listened to each person, I knew I needed to share their responses. I don't think I realized there would be so many, and they would vary so much. Maybe their answers will help to answer your own. Perhaps their answers will affirm what God is doing in your life. Possibly their answers will convict you of what you need to be doing. So you be the judge. . . .
“So why are you single?” I asked.
SUSIE: “To be quite simple, I am selfish. I like to have my way about everything; a man just does not fit in my life. I know it’s not the greatest attribute, but it is simply where I am right now.”
As I listened to Susie, I could not help thinking of what had happened in her life to make her so selfish. Had she taken things from her as a child or even as an adult? Was it just old-fashioned sin? As a Christian, how could she be OK with her answer? How could she not want to work on this area of her life? Or perhaps, her selfishness was used as an excuse or barrier to forming true and meaningful relationships. Nevertheless, I continued to listen and interceded with prayer.
The Lord tells us how important it is to turn our hearts and lives towards him. As we focus on him and value others above ourselves, our relationship grows stronger with the Lord. As we grow stronger in Christ, we can deal with/reject the junk, the pain, the hurt, and the sin that comes our way.
Turn my heart toward your statutes and not toward selfish gain. (Psalm 119:36).
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Instead, in humility, value others above yourselves (Phil. 2:3).
JOE: “I lost my wife to cancer a few years ago. I hated being alone. I was so lonely. I started to date, but I expected too much too soon. I was rejected over and over. I think I should stay single and not get hurt anymore.”
As I listened to Joe, I knew firsthand what he was saying. Even though I had not lost a spouse or had a divorce, I had two engagements to end, not to mention other broken relationships. I know what relational pain is and how it can keep you from developing new relationships. My concern for Joe was how quickly he may have started dating after his wife's death. Maybe the rejections were due to how others perceived him. Perhaps they could tell he was still grieving. Joe needs time to heal, to rest in the Lord. He needs to focus on building friendships of all kinds, allowing God to tell him the next step. He also needs to be involved with serving others, so the focus is on others versus himself. I know the more I work for the Lord, surrounded by my Christian friends, the less lonely I feel.
God tells us in his Word the value of taking the time to rest to heal before moving on. We can't get clear direction or peace if our vision is foggy. We also cannot pour out of an empty vessel. We have to go to the source that gives us the strength to endure whatever God has allowed us to go through—strength that will eventually allow us to pour into others again, to have the relationship God wants.
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest” (Matt. 11:28).
The widow who is really in need and left all alone puts her hope in God and continues night and day to pray and to ask God for help (1 Tim. 5:5).
TOM: “Because I know no one would want to live with me.”
I started to laugh. “What do you mean, Tom? You seem like a nice man.” “Well, if you knew me, you would understand. I am thankful to these guys here at church who have learned to put up with me.” Everyone started to laugh. I said, “OK, Tom, spill it. What do you mean?” Tom went on to say he loves to talk about politics, religion, and sports. But not necessarily in that order. I was like, “Yeah, I think I hear my phone ringing. I was just joking, Tom. Seriously Tom, politics, religion, and sports. Yeah, I just love it. I am a big Fox network fan. So what do you think of Biden and Trump? Umm, Tom, I think I do hear my phone ringing. LOL. OK, I see what you mean. So, your passion for these topics runs most folks off.” Tom went on to say it was more than his passion. He said he could sometimes be argumentative and overly opinionated. Well, at least that is what he has been told. I said, “Tom, do you think you need to make some changes? Perhaps what you are passionate about is not the problem, but it’s how it comes out of your mouth?” He thought about it and said, “Well, you might have a point.”
I think a lot of folks struggle with what comes out of their mouths. Years ago, I prayed that God would take away my personality and make me a meek, quiet woman. Then God said to me, “Kris, I made you an extrovert with a big mouth. I just want you to use that mouth for me, glorify me, and bring others to me.” Praise the Lord now for how he made you but realize he made you for him. And because he made you for him, all that we speak and do needs to be for his purpose, honor, and glory. Being right in the Lord is much more important than being right for us. Don't let your mouth keep you from being approachable by others.
Open my lips, Lord, and my mouth will declare your praise (Psalm. 51:15).
Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what helps build others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen (Eph. 4:29).
DONNA: “I like my independence and prefer to be alone. I can do what I want and go where I want. I love it.”
“I hear you, Donna,” I thought to myself. “I am right there with you, girl.” I have always loved living alone, too. I know many folks hate it, but I loved it like her. I also love not having to ask any man if I can buy this or that, tell them when I will be home, where or when I am traveling somewhere, etc. But with this lifestyle CAN also come a lack of accountability. As I listened to Donna, I wondered if she was using this independence to do more for God, or was it more about control?
Several years ago, my dad passed away, and my mom hated living alone. So long story short, we decided to buy a home together. We both agreed it would be a great solution as we could split finances, hold each other accountable, and share life's burdens. Well, to be honest, at first, it was a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have had to make a lot of sacrifices. Like Donna, I have
learned that I am very selfish. This selfishness leads to blindness, blind to others’ needs. Even though there are days that I remember my "independence" and want it back, God also reminds me of how much better off I am to stay. I have grown closer to not only my mom but also to the Lord. And that was the goal in all of this, right?
Each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms (1 Peter 4:10).
Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. Be devoted to one another in love—honor one another above yourselves. Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality. Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited (Rom. 12:9-16).
SONYA: “I have not met the right person yet.”
I love Sonya's answer. She didn't appear to be in any rush. She said she was waiting on God to bring the right person along. She shared at the table that she had tried dating sites (and got discouraged), had friends set her up, and even tried speed dating. She said being a single mom with three kids doesn't help either. Most men are not interested in an instant family. Each time she ventured out alone, God brought her back to just him. So now, she says she has stopped looking. She is enjoying her time at church with her single and married friends. “Now, don't get me wrong,” she said. “I am keeping my eyes open. I am allowing God to bring him to me versus the other way around.”
Sonya gives us great direction in how all of our life should be, seeking the Lord first. As we seek the Lord, all things will come to us as he wills it. Sonya also reminds us of how important fellowship with others is. Our purpose in life is a relationship with the Lord that glorifies him and, out of that relationship, a relationship with others to bring them to Christ. So everything we do in this life needs to align with that purpose. So every new person you meet, ask yourself and God why he brought them into your life. Perhaps it is to lead them to the Lord, to edify and encourage, just to be a friend or date for marriage. God will direct our paths as we seek and stay in his light.
But may all who seek you rejoice and be glad in you; may those who long for your saving help always say, “The LORD is great!” (Psalm. 40:16).
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus, his Son, purifies us from all sin (1 John 1:7).
MARIA: “I am not ready yet.”
“What do you mean?” I asked. “Well, I am not ready yet. I have some junk to work out in my life. There are some things I think God wants to change in me to help prepare me for marriage. So until then, I choose to stay single.” I went on to ask about what things. She didn't go into much detail other than to say that she was working on her health and finances. While in her twenties, she didn't care for her money or body. She said she wasn't following the Lord then. She partied, ate whatever she wanted, and charged the limit on several credit cards. Now that she is older, she wants to settle down. So she started going to church, got saved, and prayed for God to help her work on herself in some areas. She said she wasn't there yet but was getting close.
Wow, I am so proud of her. She wants to become the right person before marrying the right person. Of course, she nor I am saying you have to have it all together. But if you know you have a ton of debt, bad credit, anger issues, addictions, etc., getting married doesn't make them go away. It can make them worse. So the fact that Maria is aware of some of her issues and how they could affect her future marriage is fantastic. Even if she never marries, the fact she is working on some of these issues will only draw her closer to God, as he heals and transforms her into his image.
Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies (1 Cor. 16:19-20).
Keep your lives free from the love of money and be content with what you have, because God has said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Heb. 13:5).
CHANTELL: “I can do more for God. I believe he called me to be single.”
“Really?” I asked. “Well, Paul talks about being single and how you can serve the Lord more. I think I really can. I was once married when I was young. I have now been single for over 25 years. My son is also all grown up and has a family. I love that I can do whatever God wants me to at the drop of a hat. I especially love going on mission trips. So for me, it is where I choose to be. If God wants me married, I am open to that, but I seriously think he prefers me singles. I do enjoy where God has me.”
Praise the Lord, Chantell, that you have found this miraculous place called "contentment." If only the world would get it. If so, there would be no more fights, war, greed . . . well, you get the idea. People would simply be happy where God has them until he moves them somewhere else. And if this is where God wants them, what are we doing about it. I love how Chantell has learned to serve and do for the Lord where she is. This contentment has also brought her a quiet, calm spirit because she doesn't have to be anxious about anything. She can just "be," knowing God will provide the next step as he wills it.
But I have calmed and quieted myself, I am like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child I am content (Psalm. 131:2).
I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances (Phil. 4:11).
So I guess it’s finally my turn to answer the question. I am single because….
When I was younger, I was like most women in that I wanted to get married. I have dated and been engaged a couple of times. However, through all the relationships, it was God's relationship that I sought most. Now do I feel called to be single forever? No. I still desire to have a mate one day. However, the focus of my daily life isn't looking for a man. I have never speed-dated or browsed the personals. You would never catch me online dating (too much pain and rejection there). I am old-fashioned because I believe God will bring him to me or me to him. So while I am waiting, I am living life to its fullest, to abundance. I am serving, growing, ministering, and sharing my life. I have learned the joy of being content like Chantell. I am called to be single until he moves me somewhere else, and I love it.
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly (John 10:10).
So . . . why are you single?
What Has Changed In Singles Ministry in the last 20 Years from a Pastor's Point of View
Pastor Jay George, Associate Pastor, First Baptist, Swartz, LA
(Former Singles Pastor, North Monroe Baptist, Monroe, LA)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: I will start with what’s bad. There are not as many churches that have a minister designated to minister to Singles. They have absorbed the Singles Ministry into the adult ministry. Therefore, many churches don’t minister to Singles as effectively as they would if they had a staff member assigned to that group. However, I see more and more churches recognizing and speaking about Singles from the pulpit more than I did when I first began working as a Singles pastor.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: I feel like if you want to minister to a group of people within your church. The most effective way to do that as a Church is to have a minister assigned full-time or part-time to develop a ministry for them.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Connect with other churches/leaders doing effective singles ministry. Seek training and resources like those on The Singles Network Ministry website. Also, attend the National Singles and Leaders Retreat. You will meet other leaders and pastors who have a heart for singles ministry. You can get encouraged and gain knowledge and wisdom.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Understand and learn your gifts and use them for the Lord. And realize that the meeting another person doesn’t complete you. You are complete when you put your faith and trust in Jesus, and you serve him. Our focus should be on knowing God and making Him known to others. But at the same time, you do need a Christian Singles Group, and we do need friends, so try to find a church that has a Singles Ministry and plug into it.
David King, Pastor, New Life Church, Erdington, UK, and Singles Director, NTCG
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: It has been encouraging to see some singles move from matchmaker-oriented events/ministries (usually short-lived) to being trained and mentored to lead healthy, durable singles ministries. It is sad to hear how many singles are turning to quick-fix solutions such as online dating rather than engaging with the discipleship that would better resolve their challenges.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: You can run an effective ministry to singles without an appointed singles pastor. Prayerfully seek someone within the church who has the heart and calling to minister to singles, get them trained, and then support them, appointing a team to work with them to do the ministry.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Don’t start off on zero. There’s no need to. Connect with a ministry that has been going for several years, get training, and learn from those with proven experience and fruitfulness. Don’t even start a ministry until you’ve had some training.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: You are living in the most challenging time for single adults, but you have greater resources available to you than ever before. Much of the help you will receive from God will come through these resources and ministries, so failure to engage with them will cost you. And remember, life is for living, so however long you spend as a single, enjoy life now!
Susie Cowan, Singles Director, Christian Singles Pulse Ministry, Coeur D Alene, ID
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The good: I have witnessed the resilience of the singles community to weather the storms of having their viable, successful ministries to single adults canceled by the churches and yet find other avenues to keep on ministering to singles and sharing the Love of Jesus with others. When our singles ministry (at a large church) was canceled, we started a Meetup group to keep people connected. This has allowed us a means to communicate activities and ministry events outside of a formal church sponsorship.
The bad (or more like sad): I have witnessed the churches start ministries only let them die. They don’t fund, feed, or nourish the leadership, which ultimately leads to their death. It’s sad because it’s almost as if they don’t seem to trust the single adults to take the helm of leadership, and the married couples placed in leadership get burnt out and move on. The other challenge is finding churches willing to support a self-funded non-denominational singles ministry.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Empower and disciple the singles to minister to other singles and create a “safe” place for singles to gather for fellowship, friendship, faith, and fun. Also, acknowledge the singles in the church in the messages. So many messages are delivered around the nuclear family, making singles feel like they don’t “fit in” at church. Create specific actions to make the singles feel a part of the church family. Offer Divorce Care, Intentional Relationships & Grief Care video series to your singles.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: First thing is to seek the Lord for wisdom AND VISION. Reach out to others who have gone before you for wisdom and discipleship -- “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors, they succeed.” (Kris, at The Singles Network, has a wealth of excellent resources). Don’t let the fear of man keep you from what God has called you to do. The “enemy” wants to kill your calling – stand firm in your faith and follow the Lord to the finish line! It will not be easy, but the eternal rewards will be well worth it! The SINGLE most important thing is to be obedient to the Lord’s calling.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Remember always that your marital status does not define your worth. You don’t get a better seat in heaven if you have a ring on your finger. Don’t settle for less than God’s best. If your desire is to be married, make certain your first priority is to “delight in the Lord,” and he WILL give you the desires of your heart. Instead of looking for the right person, look to be the right person. Find community with other singles – they need you, and you need them!
Curt Dean, Teaching Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church, Greensboro, NC
(Former Singles Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: Things that have Changed for the Better Over 20 Years:
By and large, churches have become more comfortable engaging single adults in their congregations. Whereas there continue to be some challenges with churches committing staff and resources to their single adults, at least these churches realize that single adults make up a sizeable portion of their congregations and need to be celebrated as essential members in their respective churches. Also, churches are open to their single adults serving in paid and volunteer leadership positions. These single adults are making significant impacts as they serve important roles in their churches.
Things that have Changed for the Worse Over 20 Years:
The biggest challenge is how younger singles (college/young professional) perceive single adult ministries as places for those who likely will not marry (and thus are seen with a stigma with which they do not want to be associated). These younger single adults see themselves more-or-less as “temporarily unmarried” and prefer not to integrate into a single adult ministry. Thus, these younger single adults prefer to be called “Young Adults” rather than “Single Adults.” They do not mind being integrated into Bible study groups with young married couples of similar age, provided that there are activities tailored to their life situation (i.e., flexible weekend activities that typically interest those who are single). Over time, this has resulted in a depletion of people associated with single adult ministries in churches and regional single adult conferences/programming.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: First, appropriate budgeted dollars for your single adult ministry.
Secondly, form a single adult leadership team of mature, committed singles in your church as the decision-making group for the ministry. If your church has paid associate ministerial staff, assign a staff member (who has a heart for single adults) to liaison between the singles ministry and the pastoral staff. That person should attend leadership meetings (at least monthly) to assess the ministry's goals and how the programming/activities are achieving those respective goals. There should also be an annual retreat of the leadership team, with the assigned paid staff member, to assess the previous year’s successes and failures and to re-examine the goals to see if there is a need for adjustments (or to celebrate and affirm that the goals are achieving their desired ends).
Thirdly, be open to single adults serving in ministry capacities outside the single adult ministry. Singles will feel valued and appreciated if they are called to serve the overall church.
Fourthly, invite pastoral staff to be intentional in contacting single adults to celebrate significant events (e.g., birthdays) in their lives (or even contact them when there is no reason other than to see how they are doing). Some single adults have little engagement with the community outside their professional lives. Knowing that the church's elders are thinking of them can make the most significant impact. Singles may soon forget a sermon preached or a Bible study taught, but they will never forget when someone reached out to them to check on them and see how they’ve been doing.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Working with Single Adults in a church can be one of the most fulfilling ministries because singles tend to be more intentional in desiring community and have greater accessibility, flexibility, and engagement than their married adult counterparts.
Singles often see their ministry as an important part of their relational identity (i.e., their extended family) rather than seeing their ministry as merely a tiny part of their spiritual lives. You will find that the singles you serve will become some of your closest friends. They, in effect, will become like family.
Single adult ministries also come with unique challenges. There can be a lot of personal struggles and challenges that singles can face. For some, it may be the emotional turmoil of a broken marriage. It may be the loss of a dream of being married to others. Still, for others, there may be certain mental/emotional/social situations that create unique issues for your ministry. Remember that every single in your ministry is an invaluable part of your ministry; still, you will need to work with your leadership team to address these situations so that they will not become too burdensome upon the ministry itself.
Make sure to stay connected with your single adults in your ministry. If you are disconnected emotionally from the single adults, they will see through your duplicity and will likely detach from you. The best single leaders are “in the trenches” with the singles . . . living their lives with their singles.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Remember that your identity and value ultimately are not found in your human relational status; instead, it is found in your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Jenna, Former Singles Director, Several churches
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The bad: What seems to be the death of singles ministry. I have been on staff at various churches starting and leading singles ministries. Then, suddenly, there was a shift, and there didn’t seem to be a need or desire to hire someone to lead singles. We all had to find another area in the church to work or leave for myself and others. I couldn’t believe the church would just give up this way when the need had grown.
The good: A lot of singles started their ministries. They may not have the resources, funding, or someone to pastor them, but that didn’t discourage them. I say bravo to those courageous folks.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Take the time to listen to them. What are their greatest needs? Can the church minister to those needs in other ways. If they want to start a ministry, can you at least oversee the main leaders and support them?
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Go for it. But take some extra time to gather others who have the same vision and heart. Pray and spend time together. What is the purpose of starting your ministry? What are your goals? Make sure your ministry doesn’t become a meat market, complaining station, or social-focused. I have worked at churches where singles had a lot of drama, fell into sexual sin, and/or were constantly whining about why their pastor wasn't helping. If your ministry gets a negative rep, it will hurt your church and other singles. Oh, and be careful of domineering personalities that don’t get you to need a team to lead. Be sure those on your team are healthy and mature in the Lord.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Don’t give up or get discouraged. You are valuable to God the same way a married person is. Stay focused on your relationship and where God is leading you. And if your church doesn't want to minister to singles, you can minister to singles. It can start with you.
Pastor Freddy Johnson, Senior Pastor, North Point Church, Columbia, SC, and Co-Director of the LaborDaySingles.org Retreat
(Former singles pastor, Shannon Baptist, Columbia, SC)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: One of the significant changes I have seen over the past twenty years is that most churches no longer provide staff resources for singles ministry. At first glance, this appears to be a bad trend, but it has brought good.
It is bad that singles don’t get help with programming (or get any programs) like most other ministries or groups in the church. And singles have lost visibility in the church because there is not a designated staff person to keep the Lead/Senior Pastor and other staff informed of their various needs.
The good is that it has caused more single adults to step up and take the lead in starting or maintaining singles ministries. In some ways, this is better than having an out-of-touch pastor, who was not single for any length of time, trying to understand the needs of single adults, which are often very different than those of married adults. Even within “singleness,” there are various stages or seasons, everything from never married, divorced, widows/widowers, single parents, age differences, etc., that cannot all be ministered to in the same way.
The key is that the person(s), whether church staff or lay leader(s), must have a heart for single adults.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Start where you can. For larger churches, they might be able to offer social events, divorce care, grief sharing, and maybe even some financial resources.
For smaller churches, it might be a small group, social events, or maybe just one of the specialized ministries like divorce care or grief share. Another option, which our church does, is to partner with another church to provide Bible studies and social activities.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first thing that I think is important is finding out how much buy-in you have from singles within the church and how much support (if any) you will have from the Lead/Senior Pastor or other designated staff. You shouldn’t start something that the singles themselves will not support, so that needs to be assessed before going to the church leadership.
Next, saturate yourself with people and resources from people who have been doing this for a while, singlesnetwork.org, former singles pastors/leaders, and current singles pastors/leaders, gaining insight and perspective.
The most important requirement for the person(s) starting a new ministry is to BE PATIENT (and continue seeking God).
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Being single and married are two seasons of life, but very different seasons.
Many married people often wish they weren’t married (at the very least to the person they are), and many single people often wish they were married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to be married unless you end up marrying outside of God’s plan for you (which is why some of the married people mentioned above are in the situation they are in).
If your season of life is singleness, I want to ask you to consider one word as your guideline- COMMIT (I know some of you think this is a six-letter curse word).
• COMMIT to making/keeping God as the priority in your life.
• COMMIT to being the best version of yourself so you are ready when God is ready to move you to another season of life.
• COMMIT to fighting the temptation to believe the LIE that singleness is inferior to marriage. Yes, they are different, but neither is superior to the other.
• COMMIT to being single God’s way. When the Scriptures say yes, do it! When the Scriptures say no, don’t!
• COMMIT to trusting God’s plan for your life rather than your plan.
(Former Singles Pastor, North Monroe Baptist, Monroe, LA)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: I will start with what’s bad. There are not as many churches that have a minister designated to minister to Singles. They have absorbed the Singles Ministry into the adult ministry. Therefore, many churches don’t minister to Singles as effectively as they would if they had a staff member assigned to that group. However, I see more and more churches recognizing and speaking about Singles from the pulpit more than I did when I first began working as a Singles pastor.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: I feel like if you want to minister to a group of people within your church. The most effective way to do that as a Church is to have a minister assigned full-time or part-time to develop a ministry for them.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Connect with other churches/leaders doing effective singles ministry. Seek training and resources like those on The Singles Network Ministry website. Also, attend the National Singles and Leaders Retreat. You will meet other leaders and pastors who have a heart for singles ministry. You can get encouraged and gain knowledge and wisdom.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Understand and learn your gifts and use them for the Lord. And realize that the meeting another person doesn’t complete you. You are complete when you put your faith and trust in Jesus, and you serve him. Our focus should be on knowing God and making Him known to others. But at the same time, you do need a Christian Singles Group, and we do need friends, so try to find a church that has a Singles Ministry and plug into it.
David King, Pastor, New Life Church, Erdington, UK, and Singles Director, NTCG
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: It has been encouraging to see some singles move from matchmaker-oriented events/ministries (usually short-lived) to being trained and mentored to lead healthy, durable singles ministries. It is sad to hear how many singles are turning to quick-fix solutions such as online dating rather than engaging with the discipleship that would better resolve their challenges.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: You can run an effective ministry to singles without an appointed singles pastor. Prayerfully seek someone within the church who has the heart and calling to minister to singles, get them trained, and then support them, appointing a team to work with them to do the ministry.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Don’t start off on zero. There’s no need to. Connect with a ministry that has been going for several years, get training, and learn from those with proven experience and fruitfulness. Don’t even start a ministry until you’ve had some training.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: You are living in the most challenging time for single adults, but you have greater resources available to you than ever before. Much of the help you will receive from God will come through these resources and ministries, so failure to engage with them will cost you. And remember, life is for living, so however long you spend as a single, enjoy life now!
Susie Cowan, Singles Director, Christian Singles Pulse Ministry, Coeur D Alene, ID
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The good: I have witnessed the resilience of the singles community to weather the storms of having their viable, successful ministries to single adults canceled by the churches and yet find other avenues to keep on ministering to singles and sharing the Love of Jesus with others. When our singles ministry (at a large church) was canceled, we started a Meetup group to keep people connected. This has allowed us a means to communicate activities and ministry events outside of a formal church sponsorship.
The bad (or more like sad): I have witnessed the churches start ministries only let them die. They don’t fund, feed, or nourish the leadership, which ultimately leads to their death. It’s sad because it’s almost as if they don’t seem to trust the single adults to take the helm of leadership, and the married couples placed in leadership get burnt out and move on. The other challenge is finding churches willing to support a self-funded non-denominational singles ministry.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Empower and disciple the singles to minister to other singles and create a “safe” place for singles to gather for fellowship, friendship, faith, and fun. Also, acknowledge the singles in the church in the messages. So many messages are delivered around the nuclear family, making singles feel like they don’t “fit in” at church. Create specific actions to make the singles feel a part of the church family. Offer Divorce Care, Intentional Relationships & Grief Care video series to your singles.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: First thing is to seek the Lord for wisdom AND VISION. Reach out to others who have gone before you for wisdom and discipleship -- “plans fail for lack of counsel, but with many advisors, they succeed.” (Kris, at The Singles Network, has a wealth of excellent resources). Don’t let the fear of man keep you from what God has called you to do. The “enemy” wants to kill your calling – stand firm in your faith and follow the Lord to the finish line! It will not be easy, but the eternal rewards will be well worth it! The SINGLE most important thing is to be obedient to the Lord’s calling.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Remember always that your marital status does not define your worth. You don’t get a better seat in heaven if you have a ring on your finger. Don’t settle for less than God’s best. If your desire is to be married, make certain your first priority is to “delight in the Lord,” and he WILL give you the desires of your heart. Instead of looking for the right person, look to be the right person. Find community with other singles – they need you, and you need them!
Curt Dean, Teaching Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church, Greensboro, NC
(Former Singles Pastor, Lawndale Baptist Church)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: Things that have Changed for the Better Over 20 Years:
By and large, churches have become more comfortable engaging single adults in their congregations. Whereas there continue to be some challenges with churches committing staff and resources to their single adults, at least these churches realize that single adults make up a sizeable portion of their congregations and need to be celebrated as essential members in their respective churches. Also, churches are open to their single adults serving in paid and volunteer leadership positions. These single adults are making significant impacts as they serve important roles in their churches.
Things that have Changed for the Worse Over 20 Years:
The biggest challenge is how younger singles (college/young professional) perceive single adult ministries as places for those who likely will not marry (and thus are seen with a stigma with which they do not want to be associated). These younger single adults see themselves more-or-less as “temporarily unmarried” and prefer not to integrate into a single adult ministry. Thus, these younger single adults prefer to be called “Young Adults” rather than “Single Adults.” They do not mind being integrated into Bible study groups with young married couples of similar age, provided that there are activities tailored to their life situation (i.e., flexible weekend activities that typically interest those who are single). Over time, this has resulted in a depletion of people associated with single adult ministries in churches and regional single adult conferences/programming.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: First, appropriate budgeted dollars for your single adult ministry.
Secondly, form a single adult leadership team of mature, committed singles in your church as the decision-making group for the ministry. If your church has paid associate ministerial staff, assign a staff member (who has a heart for single adults) to liaison between the singles ministry and the pastoral staff. That person should attend leadership meetings (at least monthly) to assess the ministry's goals and how the programming/activities are achieving those respective goals. There should also be an annual retreat of the leadership team, with the assigned paid staff member, to assess the previous year’s successes and failures and to re-examine the goals to see if there is a need for adjustments (or to celebrate and affirm that the goals are achieving their desired ends).
Thirdly, be open to single adults serving in ministry capacities outside the single adult ministry. Singles will feel valued and appreciated if they are called to serve the overall church.
Fourthly, invite pastoral staff to be intentional in contacting single adults to celebrate significant events (e.g., birthdays) in their lives (or even contact them when there is no reason other than to see how they are doing). Some single adults have little engagement with the community outside their professional lives. Knowing that the church's elders are thinking of them can make the most significant impact. Singles may soon forget a sermon preached or a Bible study taught, but they will never forget when someone reached out to them to check on them and see how they’ve been doing.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Working with Single Adults in a church can be one of the most fulfilling ministries because singles tend to be more intentional in desiring community and have greater accessibility, flexibility, and engagement than their married adult counterparts.
Singles often see their ministry as an important part of their relational identity (i.e., their extended family) rather than seeing their ministry as merely a tiny part of their spiritual lives. You will find that the singles you serve will become some of your closest friends. They, in effect, will become like family.
Single adult ministries also come with unique challenges. There can be a lot of personal struggles and challenges that singles can face. For some, it may be the emotional turmoil of a broken marriage. It may be the loss of a dream of being married to others. Still, for others, there may be certain mental/emotional/social situations that create unique issues for your ministry. Remember that every single in your ministry is an invaluable part of your ministry; still, you will need to work with your leadership team to address these situations so that they will not become too burdensome upon the ministry itself.
Make sure to stay connected with your single adults in your ministry. If you are disconnected emotionally from the single adults, they will see through your duplicity and will likely detach from you. The best single leaders are “in the trenches” with the singles . . . living their lives with their singles.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Remember that your identity and value ultimately are not found in your human relational status; instead, it is found in your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Jenna, Former Singles Director, Several churches
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: The bad: What seems to be the death of singles ministry. I have been on staff at various churches starting and leading singles ministries. Then, suddenly, there was a shift, and there didn’t seem to be a need or desire to hire someone to lead singles. We all had to find another area in the church to work or leave for myself and others. I couldn’t believe the church would just give up this way when the need had grown.
The good: A lot of singles started their ministries. They may not have the resources, funding, or someone to pastor them, but that didn’t discourage them. I say bravo to those courageous folks.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Take the time to listen to them. What are their greatest needs? Can the church minister to those needs in other ways. If they want to start a ministry, can you at least oversee the main leaders and support them?
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: Go for it. But take some extra time to gather others who have the same vision and heart. Pray and spend time together. What is the purpose of starting your ministry? What are your goals? Make sure your ministry doesn’t become a meat market, complaining station, or social-focused. I have worked at churches where singles had a lot of drama, fell into sexual sin, and/or were constantly whining about why their pastor wasn't helping. If your ministry gets a negative rep, it will hurt your church and other singles. Oh, and be careful of domineering personalities that don’t get you to need a team to lead. Be sure those on your team are healthy and mature in the Lord.
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Don’t give up or get discouraged. You are valuable to God the same way a married person is. Stay focused on your relationship and where God is leading you. And if your church doesn't want to minister to singles, you can minister to singles. It can start with you.
Pastor Freddy Johnson, Senior Pastor, North Point Church, Columbia, SC, and Co-Director of the LaborDaySingles.org Retreat
(Former singles pastor, Shannon Baptist, Columbia, SC)
Q: What have been some of the things you have seen change for good, and what have you seen change for the bad?
A: One of the significant changes I have seen over the past twenty years is that most churches no longer provide staff resources for singles ministry. At first glance, this appears to be a bad trend, but it has brought good.
It is bad that singles don’t get help with programming (or get any programs) like most other ministries or groups in the church. And singles have lost visibility in the church because there is not a designated staff person to keep the Lead/Senior Pastor and other staff informed of their various needs.
The good is that it has caused more single adults to step up and take the lead in starting or maintaining singles ministries. In some ways, this is better than having an out-of-touch pastor, who was not single for any length of time, trying to understand the needs of single adults, which are often very different than those of married adults. Even within “singleness,” there are various stages or seasons, everything from never married, divorced, widows/widowers, single parents, age differences, etc., that cannot all be ministered to in the same way.
The key is that the person(s), whether church staff or lay leader(s), must have a heart for single adults.
Q: What would be your advice to churches who will not hire a singles pastor but want to minister to singles?
A: Start where you can. For larger churches, they might be able to offer social events, divorce care, grief sharing, and maybe even some financial resources.
For smaller churches, it might be a small group, social events, or maybe just one of the specialized ministries like divorce care or grief share. Another option, which our church does, is to partner with another church to provide Bible studies and social activities.
Q: What advice would you have today for that person who is feeling called to start singles?
A: The first thing that I think is important is finding out how much buy-in you have from singles within the church and how much support (if any) you will have from the Lead/Senior Pastor or other designated staff. You shouldn’t start something that the singles themselves will not support, so that needs to be assessed before going to the church leadership.
Next, saturate yourself with people and resources from people who have been doing this for a while, singlesnetwork.org, former singles pastors/leaders, and current singles pastors/leaders, gaining insight and perspective.
The most important requirement for the person(s) starting a new ministry is to BE PATIENT (and continue seeking God).
Q: What is the advice you would have for single adults today.
A: Being single and married are two seasons of life, but very different seasons.
Many married people often wish they weren’t married (at the very least to the person they are), and many single people often wish they were married. There is absolutely nothing wrong with desiring to be married unless you end up marrying outside of God’s plan for you (which is why some of the married people mentioned above are in the situation they are in).
If your season of life is singleness, I want to ask you to consider one word as your guideline- COMMIT (I know some of you think this is a six-letter curse word).
• COMMIT to making/keeping God as the priority in your life.
• COMMIT to being the best version of yourself so you are ready when God is ready to move you to another season of life.
• COMMIT to fighting the temptation to believe the LIE that singleness is inferior to marriage. Yes, they are different, but neither is superior to the other.
• COMMIT to being single God’s way. When the Scriptures say yes, do it! When the Scriptures say no, don’t!
• COMMIT to trusting God’s plan for your life rather than your plan.
What Others Are Saying About How Singles Ministry Has Changed in the Last 20 Years?
1. What have been some of the changes you have seen in singles ministry that is good and bad?
I have been a part of singles ministry for 30 years (attending and serving). Since 2008, I have seen healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down with no clear explanation and not just in one part of the country. The best ones I have been a part of/served in had leadership that made it a safe place for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community in a safe place for both men and women. Several healthy marriages came out of those groups. I believe what many churches perceive as negative may be that attendance numbers are not higher based on church demographic/overall membership and attendance and then looking at them as not needed or a failed ministry. What I also think from my last Church is they saw it becoming a social event for singles from other local churches that may be more socially awkward. The reality is many do rely on the singles ministries for their social life.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and is not. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t relate to that title. We are just young adults. However, my older friends are OK with being called single. So for me, the good and bad has more to do with how you define singleness in the hopes of reaching singles or developing ministry to them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am thankful to see singles ministry is not entirely gone. Many are being started and led by a volunteer. But I am sad that Churches do not employ pastors to lead singles, leaving it to volunteers who do not have all the resources, experience, or time to lead.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been started
• Partnership/collaboration among singles ministries and ministry leaders
• More self-confidence and less status shame among singles
• More people are looking to God and trusting Him in this season.
The Bad:
• Increased Insecurity, fear, and anxiety due to the pervasive fear brought on by Covid.
• The singles pool has more women than men.
• Many churches have nothing for singles – not a change, just a continuation.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some good changes I have seen are that more churches are starting to intentionally minister to single moms through support groups, childcare help, etc. Unfortunately, I've seen very little happening for single dads or single men. Maybe this is because fewer men than women are interested or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about its concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making other efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense that same excitement or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are attempting to assimilate singles into small group ministries, while other churches don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries which has remained consistent and dedicated in ministry to Single Adults!
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced is a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One of the changes I've seen in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. There appears to have been a shift from an overarching singles group to one more focused on young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors need to work with the singles pastor or leadership to learn/understand the need for a singles ministry. Still, both sides also need to work together to help to ensure it doesn't become an autonomous ministry within the Church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
To not forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. That they need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot. That we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30 but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected to the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your greatest untapped resource in the Church. They have more relational bandwidth because they don't have a spouse to minister to; they need purpose, want community, and may have more available time to invest in volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor knows first-hand the need to minister to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult after the death of his spouse. Also, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas to minister to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a community of like-minded individuals to do life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth.
To celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but given the opportunity, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a safe entry point into a larger church. And a place to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to handle extreme loneliness. Covid has made things worse. My single small group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to zoom, but they didn't want to. We are all older and technically challenged. But I need community. So I started connecting with other groups in other cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I feel sometimes I am too old to be around the younger singles, yet, what singles ministries are out there seem to cater to older singles that could be my parents/grandparents. I feel lost sometimes and struggle for a better community. Also, I struggle with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To own our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our eyes focused on Christ and do singleness in God's way.
• To celebrate the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To continue to believe in God's plan for our future and not give up hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I think the biggest need of singles is help in finding their place of purpose and wholeness following Jesus, rather than seeking to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need and having a great church that helped me have a place to belong and find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for lesser things.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
I feel the biggest need of single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to connect with like-minded individuals to do life together. We also need this community to hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is my greatest need as well.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong. This is a basic need for all humans, yet so many singles struggle to find a place to fit within the church. Years ago, this was my biggest need, but I'm blessed to have a great group of singles to call friends and family, friends to celebrate victories and heartaches with. “Single” is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest need for singles today is finding ways to curtail their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't describe this as a need of mine because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My greatest need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my zeal, I sometimes find myself in this circumstance.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table/group discussions, led a women's small group/bible study, was an event planner and director, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
Not as much as I should be helping. I have had a couple of events at my parents home—meaning, my parents helped host some things. I have helped set up some events like with chairs and things. I will be honest and tell you that I don’t know where I fit.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have a great leadership team, and I am blessed to work with such wonderful and talented people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking around the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents and envision and mobilize the Church to more intentionally care for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Teacher
· Authored books to minister to Single Adults
· Singles' Conference Speaker & Teacher
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current, SAM Leader at my Church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've served in several different areas over the last eight years. Some of those areas include teaching / writing bible studies, co-facilitating events, being a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women into finding and establishing their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries to support the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your Church doesn't have an active singles group, don't shy away from attending women's events - that was a hard one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's bible studies are during the week and later in the morning (women who were married and worked were also excluded), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not so much here. If a women's ministry/small group is not a good fit - don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships and not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for a mentor. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask or would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't have anything for you. Get involved in something at your Church where you can make friends. Also, join groups out of your Church as I have, such as a walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a couple of times, and he recommended some counseling, and it did help. I think also having some great friends to be a support. I am blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much weight you attach to being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time. Waiting time is preparation time!
• While waiting, Prepare for marriage. Become the right person instead of looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a panacea – many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that, a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek a group of like-minded individuals who can help you get connected. Look for a meetup group in your area that participates in things you enjoy (i.e., dinner, hiking, running, etc.) Find a bible study group, and if necessary, reach out to a biblically sound Christian Counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling would depend upon their position with Jesus. If they have not met Him, I would want to tell my story - speak on how He's changed my life - share the Gospel. If they have a relationship with Jesus, I will encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while ministering to the specific need or redirecting to someone more equipped. I always hope to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has helped in so many ways over the years. Still, I find that small groups that were multi-generational with singles and marrieds of all ages were the most impactful - that is why I answered the question about what would you tell your pastor question the way I did. :)
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and my family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
That my church has something for my age group where I could have friends to do things with, also, my faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me as a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has given me the gift of perspective – the ability to view things in their proper place and scope. I know that I can't do better for myself than God can and has done for me. So, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him re-define for me what love was supposed to look like and learning that I could love and be whole and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships and only took advice from people who were living lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question…LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas that He's purposed for my life. I am actively engaged in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like to travel alone, but it gives me balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This may sound cliche, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring for marriage, which is not necessarily a bad thing; the problem for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing I needed to walk through before I learned to celebrate being single but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit unspeakable joy, I've also needed to allow myself space and grace to mourn the life I had come to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and in the Bible while being a part of my church has greatly benefited me in my walk with God. While serving others, I have also found that the focus on me diminishes. This has been true for me, now more than ever, during the season of COVID and all of the accompanying changes. I'm so grateful for that time to strengthen my relationship with God and the subsequent overflow.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has affected each of us differently over the last twenty years.
I have been a part of singles ministry for 30 years (attending and serving). Since 2008, I have seen healthy, thriving singles ministries shut down with no clear explanation and not just in one part of the country. The best ones I have been a part of/served in had leadership that made it a safe place for singles to gather, grow in their faith, and build community in a safe place for both men and women. Several healthy marriages came out of those groups. I believe what many churches perceive as negative may be that attendance numbers are not higher based on church demographic/overall membership and attendance and then looking at them as not needed or a failed ministry. What I also think from my last Church is they saw it becoming a social event for singles from other local churches that may be more socially awkward. The reality is many do rely on the singles ministries for their social life.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
I think the definition of what a “single adult” is and is not. I am almost 30, and most of my younger friends know they are “single” but don’t relate to that title. We are just young adults. However, my older friends are OK with being called single. So for me, the good and bad has more to do with how you define singleness in the hopes of reaching singles or developing ministry to them.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am thankful to see singles ministry is not entirely gone. Many are being started and led by a volunteer. But I am sad that Churches do not employ pastors to lead singles, leaving it to volunteers who do not have all the resources, experience, or time to lead.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, FL, Widower, Over 60
The Good:
• Many singles ministries have been started
• Partnership/collaboration among singles ministries and ministry leaders
• More self-confidence and less status shame among singles
• More people are looking to God and trusting Him in this season.
The Bad:
• Increased Insecurity, fear, and anxiety due to the pervasive fear brought on by Covid.
• The singles pool has more women than men.
• Many churches have nothing for singles – not a change, just a continuation.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Some good changes I have seen are that more churches are starting to intentionally minister to single moms through support groups, childcare help, etc. Unfortunately, I've seen very little happening for single dads or single men. Maybe this is because fewer men than women are interested or willing to disciple singles.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (Married)
When I started in single adult ministry in 1998, there was excitement within church circles about its concept. Many churches were planning single adult ministry conferences and making other efforts to reach singles. Today, I don't sense that same excitement or engagement for ministry to them. Many churches are attempting to assimilate singles into small group ministries, while other churches don't minister to single adults at all. A bright beacon in singles ministry has been The Singles Network Ministries which has remained consistent and dedicated in ministry to Single Adults!
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Some of the changes are subtle and happen over time, but a few that I've personally experienced is a lack of understanding of what it means to be single. We often think only of the marital status of a single person but don't look deep enough to recognize that this person may spend holidays alone. They may not have anyone to add to an emergency contact list or may long for someone to celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E; Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
One of the changes I've seen in singles ministries is the decrease in availability. There appears to have been a shift from an overarching singles group to one more focused on young adults.
—Deborah S; Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
2: What would be one thing you would like to tell your pastor about ministering to singles?
Pastors need to work with the singles pastor or leadership to learn/understand the need for a singles ministry. Still, both sides also need to work together to help to ensure it doesn't become an autonomous ministry within the Church.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married, over 40
To not forget that singles include those whose spouses have died. That they need to remember us from the pulpit to the parking lot. That we matter to God too.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
To have something for singles after they turn 30 but not too old. I would like to find a wife someday, so I have been staying connected to the younger group; however, I have noticed that I don’t have as much in common anymore. A lot of them are still in college.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Adult singles have unique needs.
• Initiate or support ministry to singles.
• Value singles – We serve a single savior
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Singles and single parents are your greatest untapped resource in the Church. They have more relational bandwidth because they don't have a spouse to minister to; they need purpose, want community, and may have more available time to invest in volunteering.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former single parent (married)
My Senior Pastor knows first-hand the need to minister to Single Adults. He is a Single Adult after the death of his spouse. Also, he is a Single Parent, and his youngest son is a high school senior. He has been very receptive to my ideas to minister to the Single Adults within our congregation and community.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-married, over 40
I would emphasize the importance of community. Having a community of like-minded individuals to do life with is essential for both our emotional health and spiritual growth.
To celebrate victories and heartaches with. Single is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Guessing that my Pastor already knows this, but given the opportunity, the one thing I'd emphasize about ministering to singles is, "As a collective, we singles are undoubtedly a dynamic demographic simply based on our different seasons of life. However, having been through those times of struggle, we can have greater potential for edifying and building the Kingdom."
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
3. What do you think are the biggest needs of singles today? Is this your biggest need? If not, what is yours?
Finding a safe place for community and a safe entry point into a larger church. And a place to meet other like-minded (Christ-minded) singles.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
We need ways to handle extreme loneliness. Covid has made things worse. My single small group completely stopped meeting. I tried to get them to zoom, but they didn't want to. We are all older and technically challenged. But I need community. So I started connecting with other groups in other cities.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I feel sometimes I am too old to be around the younger singles, yet, what singles ministries are out there seem to cater to older singles that could be my parents/grandparents. I feel lost sometimes and struggle for a better community. Also, I struggle with boundaries, finances, and just starting a simple conversation with a girl.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• To own our identity in Christ and not let singleness define or confine us.
• To keep our eyes focused on Christ and do singleness in God's way.
• To celebrate the season of singleness and not put our lives on hold.
• To continue to believe in God's plan for our future and not give up hope.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I think the biggest need of singles is help in finding their place of purpose and wholeness following Jesus, rather than seeking to become "complete" through a relationship with the opposite sex. That was my biggest need and having a great church that helped me have a place to belong and find purpose in my singleness kept me from settling for lesser things.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
I feel the biggest need of single adults today is to connect with a healthy community. We need to connect with like-minded individuals to do life together. We also need this community to hold us accountable, challenge us, and pray for us. Yes, this is my greatest need as well.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Having a place to belong. This is a basic need for all humans, yet so many singles struggle to find a place to fit within the church. Years ago, this was my biggest need, but I'm blessed to have a great group of singles to call friends and family, friends to celebrate victories and heartaches with. “Single” is more than a relationship status.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Perhaps the greatest need for singles today is finding ways to curtail their loneliness—singles struggle to find a community where they can socialize and enjoy activities together. I wouldn't describe this as a need of mine because I stay actively engaged in serving others. My greatest need is to learn how not to be overcommitted. In my zeal, I sometimes find myself in this circumstance.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
4. How have you served in singles ministry over the years?
I have facilitated table/group discussions, led a women's small group/bible study, was an event planner and director, led worship, and served on various singles mission trips.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
I have helped set up and clean up for events and Bible studies. I have also helped with the food at cookouts.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
Not as much as I should be helping. I have had a couple of events at my parents home—meaning, my parents helped host some things. I have helped set up some events like with chairs and things. I will be honest and tell you that I don’t know where I fit.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
I am the founder of the Saved Singles Summit and the Single Christians Connect ministries. We have a great leadership team, and I am blessed to work with such wonderful and talented people.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I volunteered with a ministry to teen moms in Lexington, KY, before founding Single Parent Missions 10 years ago. Through this ministry, I've had the privilege of speaking around the country and even globally to encourage and equip single parents and envision and mobilize the Church to more intentionally care for single-parent families.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
Founder of Single Adult Ministry at former Church.
· Singles Bible Study Teacher
· Singles Sunday School Teacher
· Authored books to minister to Single Adults
· Singles' Conference Speaker & Teacher
· Founder of Carolina Christian Singles Network
· Current, SAM Leader at my Church
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
I've served in several different areas over the last eight years. Some of those areas include teaching / writing bible studies, co-facilitating events, being a prayer leader at the Labor Day Singles Retreat, and counseling and guiding single women into finding and establishing their true identity in Christ.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
I have served in singles ministries to support the singles pastor, an activity coordinator, and a small group leader. I have also participated in singles conferences and retreats.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
5. What advice would you give someone who is single and struggling?
If your Church doesn't have an active singles group, don't shy away from attending women's events - that was a hard one for me for several reasons: 1) early on in the 90s, it was mainly MOPS ministry, 2) many women's bible studies are during the week and later in the morning (women who were married and worked were also excluded), 3) I didn't feel like I fit in. I fell in love with women's ministry overseas but not so much here. If a women's ministry/small group is not a good fit - don't stay and try to make it work. Try another if available. Just don't get discouraged. Pray for godly friendships and not just with other singles. Pray for a mentor. Don't be afraid to put yourself out there and ask for a mentor. In the past, I was too afraid even to ask or would have a conversation with someone, and it would never happen.
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
Don't give up, even if your church doesn't have anything for you. Get involved in something at your Church where you can make friends. Also, join groups out of your Church as I have, such as a walking group I found on Meetup. I have also started going on bus tours and made many friends.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
I talked with my Sunday school teacher a couple of times, and he recommended some counseling, and it did help. I think also having some great friends to be a support. I am blessed that my parents have been a great help.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
• Go to God and be honest with him about your struggles.
• Reassess your value system and challenge how much weight you attach to being married.
• Waiting time is not wasted time. Waiting time is preparation time!
• While waiting, Prepare for marriage. Become the right person instead of looking for the right person. You attract what you are, not what you want.
• Marriage is not a panacea – many married people wish they were single.
• This single season is just that, a season. Make the most of it.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
Don't try to do life alone. Find or create a faith-based support community, even if it's just 2-3 other singles or single parents like you who want to thrive and grow. Surround yourself with people who will lovingly challenge you to grow personally and in your faith. If you're struggling because you're not married, be willing to self-evaluate, receive correction and do the hard things necessary to become the kind of person who could attract a worthy mate or be content without one.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent (Married)
You must pray to God about who to open to. Don't suffer in silence. We all need each other. I'm a very guarded person, but I have trusted friends in my inner circle who I can relate about life issues.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
Pray and seek a group of like-minded individuals who can help you get connected. Look for a meetup group in your area that participates in things you enjoy (i.e., dinner, hiking, running, etc.) Find a bible study group, and if necessary, reach out to a biblically sound Christian Counselor who can guide you.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
My advice to someone who is single and struggling would depend upon their position with Jesus. If they have not met Him, I would want to tell my story - speak on how He's changed my life - share the Gospel. If they have a relationship with Jesus, I will encourage them to seek the Lord through prayer and Bible study while ministering to the specific need or redirecting to someone more equipped. I always hope to meet people where they are and reflect the love of Jesus.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 40
6. What has helped you in your walk as a single adult?
Singles ministry has helped in so many ways over the years. Still, I find that small groups that were multi-generational with singles and marrieds of all ages were the most impactful - that is why I answered the question about what would you tell your pastor question the way I did. :)
—Jennifer T., Lincoln, NE, Never-Married/Engaged, over 40
My friends and my family. I am thankful for the many friends I have made at church, in my singles group, and even in my neighborhood. My family has also been supportive.
—Bob L., Jacksonville, Fl, Widower, over 60
That my church has something for my age group where I could have friends to do things with, also, my faith in the Lord that my parents instilled in me as a child, and now I am walking with the Lord on my own.
—Jacob M., Oklahoma City, OK, Never-married, Young Adult
God has given me the gift of perspective – the ability to view things in their proper place and scope. I know that I can't do better for myself than God can and has done for me. So, I trust God, His plan, purpose, and timing for my life.
—Gloria G., Baltimore, MD, Single Parent, over 40
I spent a lot of time in God's word, letting Him re-define for me what love was supposed to look like and learning that I could love and be whole and be used by God without being married or in a relationship. I also read many books about boundaries and God's design for relationships and only took advice from people who were living lives I admired.
—Dawn V., Cody Wy, Former Single Parent, (Married)
That's a loaded question…LOL! Since I was saved as a teenager, God has me serving in the areas that He's purposed for my life. I am actively engaged in my career, community, family, and ministry. I have healthy self-esteem. I love solo travel adventures, and I know many Single Adults don't like to travel alone, but it gives me balance and peace.
—Ernest J., Greenville, SC, Never-Married, over 40
This may sound cliche, but it's the absolute truth. Learn to LOVE your season of singleness. I spent far too many years wishing, praying, and desiring for marriage, which is not necessarily a bad thing; the problem for me was that I HATED being single. I bought into the lie that the world sells that single somehow equals damaged. Don't get me wrong; I had a lot of healing I needed to walk through before I learned to celebrate being single but hear me when I say that learning to love my season of singleness was a game-changer. I am now engaged to be married, and while this brings my heart and spirit unspeakable joy, I've also needed to allow myself space and grace to mourn the life I had come to love.
—Michelle E., Fletcher, NC, Engaged/Single Parent, over 40
Spending time with God and in the Bible while being a part of my church has greatly benefited me in my walk with God. While serving others, I have also found that the focus on me diminishes. This has been true for me, now more than ever, during the season of COVID and all of the accompanying changes. I'm so grateful for that time to strengthen my relationship with God and the subsequent overflow.
—Deborah S., Fredericksburg, VA, Divorced, over 50
As you can see, singles ministry has affected each of us differently over the last twenty years.
How did The Singles Network Ministries start?
After a few years of trying to figure out my own life, I realized I needed the Lord back in my life. It was 1989, and I was searching for a place to fit in where there were young adults like me. I wanted a place to learn about God and to worship. Through a new friend, I found out about SOLO: Single Offering Life to Others, a ministry of St. Mark’s Methodist Church, led by Pastor Tom Harris.
Through their thriving young single adult ministry, I would not only get amazing new friends, but leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO had reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministry. I began to pray for this to happen.
Through the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years would pass, and I would serve the Lord in many areas, from children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I was running my own ad agency with several employees. One of my customers was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I would direct some of his conferences and develop his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was doing. My passion for singles ministry had not changed, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of what I wanted and be willing to do what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles. I started attending and quickly moved up the ranks to be a core leader and affiliate staff with CRU. A few years passed, and they changed the name to The Singles Network due to many singles coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn would decide to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first only focused locally. I would start getting calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop ministry. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
Through their thriving young single adult ministry, I would not only get amazing new friends, but leadership training, experience, and the development of my passion for reaching and growing single adults. SOLO had reached me where I was in my mess and transformed me through the power of the Holy Spirit. What if I could help do the same for someone else? What if I could help churches start and grow singles ministry. I began to pray for this to happen.
Through the next few years, God would mold and shape me. Although I had some experience and training, I was still not ready to run my ministry. I remember reading Experiencing God by Henry Blackaby for the first time. I got to day 4 of week one and had to put it down. I was so far from where I felt God wanted me to be. There was much work to be done.
A few more years would pass, and I would serve the Lord in many areas, from children’s church, youth ministry, Sunday School teacher, organizing the first impression ministry, running the recreation committee, and singing in the choir. At the same time, I was running my own ad agency with several employees. One of my customers was Dick Purnell of Single Life Resources. I would direct some of his conferences and develop his marketing campaigns. At the time, I didn’t realize what God was doing. My passion for singles ministry had not changed, but God was reducing “me” and increasing “Him” in my life. He wanted me to be willing to let go of what I wanted and be willing to do what HE wanted.
During this time, I learned about the Triangle Singles Network led by Carolyn and Gary Justice, a CRU ministry under Priority Associates. They were a ministry focused on developing leaders, working with churches to start a singles ministry, and hosting a monthly gathering, Believers Community to connect singles. I started attending and quickly moved up the ranks to be a core leader and affiliate staff with CRU. A few years passed, and they changed the name to The Singles Network due to many singles coming from areas outside the Raleigh-Durham, NC area.
In 2002, Gary and Carolyn would decide to step down from leadership, and I was given the opportunity to take it over. I quickly added “ministries” to the end, so people knew we were Christ-centered. I developed a website and began adding resources, at first only focused locally. I would start getting calls from other cities and states to help leaders and pastors develop ministry. I would also get calls to teach conferences and retreats. From that point, I would co-write my first Bible study with Dick Purnell, Singles & Relationships: 31 Day Experience Devotional.
It’s been an incredible 20 years. From writing Bible studies and articles, developing resources and leadership training to speaking and teaching at conferences and retreats, traveling to Europe to start ministries, helping to begin ministry in Uganda, Australia, and Kenya, to speaking in 49 states and on 12 cruises, the journey is still going strong. Today ministry to singles is needed more than ever. So join me in praying and supporting us for another 20 years of reaching and growing singles for Christ.
How Has Singles Ministry Changed in 20 Years
Wow, this is a loaded question and has many answers. Here is a list below based on my own experience. I am sure there are many other ways it's changed. Feel free to send me your thought ideas at swiatocho@gmail.com
Singles ministry has:
1. Gone from being primarily church, pastor and staff led to being volunteer-led with the exception of singles 18-30.
While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry (breaking singles into life stages), hiring a pastor or director to lead them, I am very thankful that volunteers are allowed to lead. As a result, we have many singles gathering for Bible studies, activities, and service projects around the world.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor focused only on singles to a pastor with five hats that include ministry to one of them.
This change has been happening for the last 20 years, but we have seen this escalate with the recession in 2009 and Covid. As a result of pastors having so many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it challenging to find a church that ministers to singles as the pastor's title doesn't reflect this area.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, support, etc., we have seen a massive trend to singles ministry outside starting outside the church. People are using apps such as Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp and developing their databases and websites. While I am thrilled singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it's is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly on young singles (18-30ish) to singles of all ages back to focus only on young singles and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry to anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources have just been invented. Churches just didn't have the resources to help those that were single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (formerly married or not), or never-married and wanting to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a massive growth of reaching singles of all ages, especially over 35. As a result, there also needed to be ministry post-recovery. Meaning we needed a class, small group, bible study, seminars, etc., for folks to join. They desired community. At this time, we began to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often pastors would just put us all in one big group. This didn't work, and they began to see that.
So, for a while, especially with the larger churches, you saw ministry (and pastors who led it) to young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). But this takes money and time. As time went on, and for some of the other reasons I listed in this article, pastors were either let go, given many different hats or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry would start to fall apart. The only exception to this has been young adults. For a lot of churches, this has continued to do well. But unfortunately, when they are too old for this group, they have nowhere to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a place to chat, request help, pray, promote events, etc. It has also replaced spending time in person. With the invention of social media, we saw a huge drop in commitments. People tend to wait till the last minute to show up or sign up and not show up.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
99% of most singles want to be married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate. When singles ministry started to change around the country, we saw an increase of people marrying someone who was lost, someone they settled for, fast marriages due to not having accountability or pre-engagement counseling available, and singles just leaving the church.
The 2nd greatest decision you will make in life is who you marry, but it's not the 2nd most important one in the church. I believe churches should provide singles ministry so singles can build safe friendships. Friendships that can lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Also, the acceptance of online dating has increased, but the percentage of successful, Christ-focused relationships that had led to marriage is very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they can one day be your spouse, the issue is getting ahead of God. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counsel, etc., is the best way to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life.
7. Single parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a vast increase in the numbers (primarily women) of single-parent homes, including grandparents raising grandkids. While I am super thankful for ministries such as The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, who can help the local church start a single parent ministry, there are simply not enough churches doing what they can to reach this large demographic. And ministry focused on single dads doesn't exist anymore—at least not at a national level.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blending families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Due to many churches not having a singles ministry, we find singles might be a member of one church but will visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. Now, this could be looked upon in a good or bad way. For me, if our churches were to provide a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support that church. This doesn't mean there isn't value to meet other singles from other churches or churches to do things together; it just means our focus would be on serving and sowing into one church, allowing relationships to form and commitment.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we are still seeing an even number of women to men, mainly because men are still seeking mates. Also, because we don't have the baggage of an older single. Also, churches usually have a dynamic ministry that draws young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry is 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. This, of course, varies from church to church, depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, the baggage gets bigger. Sometimes they have been married, raised kids alone, or have past hurts and seek a church for help. Women are not afraid to share their emotions and need support, whereas men prefer not to. Also, women are still outliving men. Lastly, if we do not have healthy male leadership, women typically draw other women. So, as a result of this, our older singles ministries struggle to grow.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, Nav Press, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. So, as a result, these large publishers had stopped printing books or studies or singles. I continue my studies to promote studies of other writers, articles, and resources. Over half our country is single, so I know there is still a considerable need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Because there are very few large singles ministries left that could afford to bring in a speaker or host a large conference, the speakers who were speaking around the US have gone into other areas of ministry. I continue to travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are gone. Today if you have a group of 100, you are blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences such as SAM and NexGen are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, including leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one time, each major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who helped their churches start and grow singles ministry. These directors are all gone now.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
For the last 20 years, we have seen the birth of the small group church. While it is reaching people that the traditional church may not be reaching, it has been disastrous for singles ministry. Statistically, we know that if you have 1000 in church, you will have 1000 in Sunday school, but if you are small group based only, you might have 1000 in church but only 400 in small groups. This dramatically reduces the numbers for singles small groups. We know that singles have a hard time visiting a small group alone, especially in someone's home, and as a result, very few attend, and again, they lose out on the community.
Also, as singles ministry has gone away, or there is focus only on young singles or senior singles, the Sunday school that does exist often misses singles in the 30-40 age range.
So, you might be saying, gosh, Kris is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
Singles ministry has:
1. Gone from being primarily church, pastor and staff led to being volunteer-led with the exception of singles 18-30.
While I still encourage churches to have a singles ministry (breaking singles into life stages), hiring a pastor or director to lead them, I am very thankful that volunteers are allowed to lead. As a result, we have many singles gathering for Bible studies, activities, and service projects around the world.
2. Churches with a full-time pastor focused only on singles to a pastor with five hats that include ministry to one of them.
This change has been happening for the last 20 years, but we have seen this escalate with the recession in 2009 and Covid. As a result of pastors having so many hats, singles ministry is not a priority. This makes it challenging to find a church that ministers to singles as the pastor's title doesn't reflect this area.
3. Singles ministry in the church to singles ministry outside the church.
While I prefer singles ministry to be under the church for protection, provision, leadership, support, etc., we have seen a massive trend to singles ministry outside starting outside the church. People are using apps such as Facebook, Meetup, and WhatsApp and developing their databases and websites. While I am thrilled singles are continuing to start and grow the ministry, it's is mainly because the church has not.
4. Focused mainly on young singles (18-30ish) to singles of all ages back to focus only on young singles and much older singles.
In the early 1990s, there wasn't much singles ministry to anyone over 35. Divorce Care, Griefshare, and other similar resources have just been invented. Churches just didn't have the resources to help those that were single again due to divorce or death, parenting alone (formerly married or not), or never-married and wanting to be married.
With the new development of recovery resources, we saw a massive growth of reaching singles of all ages, especially over 35. As a result, there also needed to be ministry post-recovery. Meaning we needed a class, small group, bible study, seminars, etc., for folks to join. They desired community. At this time, we began to see struggles in defining singles ministry. Often pastors would just put us all in one big group. This didn't work, and they began to see that.
So, for a while, especially with the larger churches, you saw ministry (and pastors who led it) to young adults, median-aged singles (30-45), single parents, and older singles (45 plus). But this takes money and time. As time went on, and for some of the other reasons I listed in this article, pastors were either let go, given many different hats or not replaced. Eventually, the entire singles ministry would start to fall apart. The only exception to this has been young adults. For a lot of churches, this has continued to do well. But unfortunately, when they are too old for this group, they have nowhere to go.
5. Social media has changed everyone's life.
With singles, it has been a great tool to connect us, provide a place to chat, request help, pray, promote events, etc. It has also replaced spending time in person. With the invention of social media, we saw a huge drop in commitments. People tend to wait till the last minute to show up or sign up and not show up.
6. Dating and courtship have changed.
99% of most singles want to be married, but without a singles group, a ministry where would they find their mate. When singles ministry started to change around the country, we saw an increase of people marrying someone who was lost, someone they settled for, fast marriages due to not having accountability or pre-engagement counseling available, and singles just leaving the church.
The 2nd greatest decision you will make in life is who you marry, but it's not the 2nd most important one in the church. I believe churches should provide singles ministry so singles can build safe friendships. Friendships that can lead to dating and marriage. This is part of why I co-wrote Intentional Relationships for singles Bible study. A 12-week study taking singles from identity to boundaries, conflict, friendship to marriage. This is an excellent resource for churches to add to their toolbox. This resource can help bring singles together to build community. This community could lead to a ministry in your church.
Note: Also, the acceptance of online dating has increased, but the percentage of successful, Christ-focused relationships that had led to marriage is very low. While you can meet anyone anywhere, and they can one day be your spouse, the issue is getting ahead of God. Having a safe place to connect, accountability, counsel, etc., is the best way to find someone with whom to spend the rest of your life.
7. Single parenting numbers have gone up while divorce has gone down (due to people not marrying).
We have seen a vast increase in the numbers (primarily women) of single-parent homes, including grandparents raising grandkids. While I am super thankful for ministries such as The Life of a Single Mom and Arise, who can help the local church start a single parent ministry, there are simply not enough churches doing what they can to reach this large demographic. And ministry focused on single dads doesn't exist anymore—at least not at a national level.
8. Blended Families are on the rise.
We have seen a considerable increase of 2nd and 3rd marriages that include blending families. Without a singles ministry, a pastor who can guide this process, many of these 2nd and 3rd marriages are a struggle. I am very thankful to leaders such as Ron Deal and Laura Petheridge, who have excellent resources to help.
9. Singles are not members of just one church.
Due to many churches not having a singles ministry, we find singles might be a member of one church but will visit other churches throughout the week. They might attend a Divorce Care group at Church A, a singles cookout at Church B, a conference at Church C, and go on a hike with a meetup group. Now, this could be looked upon in a good or bad way. For me, if our churches were to provide a healthy, growing singles ministry, singles would attend and support that church. This doesn't mean there isn't value to meet other singles from other churches or churches to do things together; it just means our focus would be on serving and sowing into one church, allowing relationships to form and commitment.
9. Women are the primary leaders.
Among young single ministries, we are still seeing an even number of women to men, mainly because men are still seeking mates. Also, because we don't have the baggage of an older single. Also, churches usually have a dynamic ministry that draws young singles. However, as you reach 30 and beyond, the number of men decreases; by the time your ministry is 45 and older, the ratio might be 10 to 1. This, of course, varies from church to church, depending on the leadership model.
As singles age, the baggage gets bigger. Sometimes they have been married, raised kids alone, or have past hurts and seek a church for help. Women are not afraid to share their emotions and need support, whereas men prefer not to. Also, women are still outliving men. Lastly, if we do not have healthy male leadership, women typically draw other women. So, as a result of this, our older singles ministries struggle to grow.
10. At one time, we had many training resources by Lifeway, David C Cook, Nav Press, etc.
Without a singles ministry, there are no buyers for their products. So, as a result, these large publishers had stopped printing books or studies or singles. I continue my studies to promote studies of other writers, articles, and resources. Over half our country is single, so I know there is still a considerable need.
11. Traveling speakers are almost all gone.
Because there are very few large singles ministries left that could afford to bring in a speaker or host a large conference, the speakers who were speaking around the US have gone into other areas of ministry. I continue to travel, but the days of speaking to 1000 singles are gone. Today if you have a group of 100, you are blessed.
12. National Singles Ministry Leaders Conferences such as SAM and NexGen are gone.
Again, these national events have gone away without the single ministries needing these resources. However, I co-lead an annual retreat called www.LaborDaySingles.org, including leadership resources. While the numbers are low, a few ministries, mainly outside the church, are still hosting conferences and retreats around the US.
13. Denominational leadership is gone.
At one time, each major denomination in the US and UK had national directors who helped their churches start and grow singles ministry. These directors are all gone now.
14. Singles Sunday School is almost gone.
For the last 20 years, we have seen the birth of the small group church. While it is reaching people that the traditional church may not be reaching, it has been disastrous for singles ministry. Statistically, we know that if you have 1000 in church, you will have 1000 in Sunday school, but if you are small group based only, you might have 1000 in church but only 400 in small groups. This dramatically reduces the numbers for singles small groups. We know that singles have a hard time visiting a small group alone, especially in someone's home, and as a result, very few attend, and again, they lose out on the community.
Also, as singles ministry has gone away, or there is focus only on young singles or senior singles, the Sunday school that does exist often misses singles in the 30-40 age range.
So, you might be saying, gosh, Kris is there anything good that has happened in the last 20 years? Yes, there is, and I will be focusing on that for next month.
What Good Have You Seen in Singles Ministry in the Last Twenty Years?
Here is a list below based on my own experience of the good things that have happened in the last twenty years. Feel free to send me your thoughts and ideas at Kris@TheSinglesNetwork.org
Yes, singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives have still changed.
- Young adult ministry continues to stay strong.
Young adult ministry (sometimes referred to as 20 Somethings) continues to thrive in churches. If a church has a college ministry, they often continue to minister to that post-college. There are instances where they might include those in college, but for the most part, they are post-college into the late twenties.
Note: Young singles prefer to be called “Young Adults” due to the stigma of what a “single” means. In the 1990s, there wasn’t much singles ministry past 35, so young singles didn’t mind being called “single,” but today, it has a different meaning. - Social media has advanced ministry to singles.
Social media, more than anything, has changed singles ministry. From creating more groups based on ages, life stage, and interest (due to the choice of social media platform) to how we meet each other, how we fellowship (activities), how we market, social media plays a key role. Posting something instantly, creating a live video, posting photos, commenting, etc., allows people to see what your ministry is about. Keeping your social media updated, engaging your audience daily to have the most impact is essential. - Websites have helped grow the singles ministry.
Everyone agrees that the web has changed all of our lives. When a church lists singles ministry, specifically with contact information of a leader or pastor, links to social media, offers Sunday school or small groups, etc., we have seen tremendous growth in attendance of singles to that church and involvement to help the overall church grow. - Divorce Care, Griefshare, Celebrate Recovery, and similar programs have changed how we help singles live.
These resources have helped thousands of singles get healed from broken marriages, loss of a spouse or hang-ups, hurts, and habits. We are thankful that churches continue to see the value of offering these programs. - Singles continue to have more friends than marrieds.
While not all singles get out of their home and meet others, many have figured out ways to meet and fellowship. Whether through their church, social media platform, or workmates and neighbors, once they do connect, they are bonding.
Also, singles consider their friends to be their family (and, in some cases, closer than family). Jesus gives us a great example when on the cross, he has his best friend, John, to take care of his mother. - Singles are developing more opposite-sex friendships than marrieds.
Once you are married, your friendship pool, especially those of the opposite sex, goes way down. When you are single, you have the flexibility of your time to build as many friends as you want. Singles value their opposite-sex friends in helping them understand each other by offering support and help.
Note: We are seeing more singles groups encourage friendship before dating. - Singles are helping each other more than ever.
We are seeing singles more than ever help each other with financial needs, providing a home, offering resources for child-care, fixing a meal to a shut-in, and coming alongside someone who might be sick or going through a tough time - Single mother ministry needs have gone up and so have the resources.
While churches may not see the value of ministering to singles, they are usually more sympathetic to the single mom. In some areas of the country, the single-parent mom ministry is thriving. Not only are churches and organizations involved, but there are also grants offered through our US government.
Note: Even though ministry to the single dad has been inconsistent over the years, primarily because women are still the primary care provider, and men do not see themselves as single parents unless they have primary custody of their children, some churches are trying to reach both parents. We have noticed an increase in grandparents raising grandkids, and churches have become more aware of the need to help them. - Single ministry is being put under the women’s and men’s ministries.
While churches may not be hiring a pastor over singles, some have moved their ministry to singles under the women’s and men’s ministries, offering support and accountability. This may not be a perfect solution, but it is a way to keep those ministries thriving. - Singles own their junk and get some counseling.
Today, the stigma of getting counseling is not a bad thing. We are seeing more and more singles opt to get some help, whether through a program such as Celebrate Recovery, their church, or a private counselor. - Pre-engagement counseling is growing.
Because so many singles are dating outside the church, meaning they are finding their future mate through online dating, social media connections, friends, etc., they may or may not have a pastor in common to counsel them when it comes to getting married. Once the ring and dress are bought, and the venue rented, if you find that your pastor disagrees with your choice of future mate, you will often just find a new pastor who does. Also, pre-marriage counseling is too short.
Pastor Freddy Johnson of North Point Church in Columbia, SC, is an advocate for pre-engagement counseling. He has seen time and time again the value of talking to you before getting engaged, asking some of those hard questions, and giving you some homework. - Being Single Not As Much of a Stigma.
Because so many people are single today (over half of the country), the stigma about being single has gone down. We are seeing more singles getting involved in the leadership of their church, starting businesses, and thriving in the world today. - Access to training materials.
While the larger publishing companies are not printing singles ministry resources anymore, we are seeing a ton of great free online resources that singles have access to more than ever, including www.TheSingleNetwork.org. - Some churches are OK with a single, never married, and/or divorced pastor.
There was a time when no matter the circumstances of your broken marriage would, a church hire you as a pastor, but today, some churches look at your past and your healing from it as a value. Of course, each situation is different, and each church makes its own decision, but it’s exciting to see this stat change in the last 20 years. Pastors who are not married are being hired as youth pastors and small groups, education, outreach, single, senior and interim pastors.
Note: We also see single and married women hired as ministers, directors, and leaders. - Retreats and conferences are still happening but in smaller ways.
While the mega singles conference or retreat years are gone, we are still seeing smaller ones hosted around the country and abroad. Singles are gathering leaders, using church bands (or, in some cases, Youtube for worship), local pastors as speakers, and organizing it with or without their church help. And as a result, we are still seeing lives change. Check out: www.laborDaySingles.org - Singles are not giving up, even if they feel the church has.
While it’s sad to see so many churches dissolve their singles ministries, we are seeing more individuals step up and start their own ministries, within or outside the church. Some are more social-based, and it’s ok to a point, but healthy ministry has leaders, a plan to grow, accountability, and discipleship. We applaud those leaders who feel the call of God and have stepped out in faith. Who have done the research, asked for help, and prayed and prayed and prayed. God is NOT DONE with singles.
Yes, singles ministry has changed, and it’s not even close to what it was twenty years ago, but lives have still changed.
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