Well, the next week was a blur as I was going to be teaching in LA and was busy getting ready. When I got back, and the week following I started to experience what I believed God was talking about. I started to sense the process of grief. I spent each day feeling like I was in a pit that I couldn't get out of. The sense of hopelessness, despair, anxiety, frustration and discouragement kept overwhelming me. Every hour it seemed a different emotion was taking hold. I hesitated to call anyone as I felt like I would be a burden to folks. For so many years I had been asking people to pray for my dad and I felt when he died that I wouldn't have to talk about him anymore. I felt that perhaps others felt the same. I decided not to call anyone during the time. I would just have the Lord and no one else. I also started feeling a new emotion "loneliness."
You see, I have never really felt lonely in my life. Sure, there might be a day here or there but because I stay busy in the Lords work, I have never really felt this emotion. Well, I felt it and I didn't like it. I felt the most disconnected from anything and anyone. And what is frustrating about all of this is I couldn't get it to go away. I prayed and prayed for release and it wouldn't leave me.
I was like Lord, I know where my dad is..he is with you. He had a great life and was ready. We all prepared for my dad to die. We did think about life without him. I am OK with my dad's death Lord. Then why am I feeling this? Why am I feeling such a sense of loss?
Then this past weekend, while I spent time with one of my brothers and his kids and speaking in Concord, it hit. God told me...Kris, I am not going to take it away. I want you go to through it. Through this sadness, this pain, this hurt. But I don't want you to forget that I am with you through it. I will never leave you. But in order to share in my blessings, you must also share in my suffering. I have called you to be a voice for me in this world. You can't help others in their pain if you have never experienced it. You will have good days and bad. Good weeks and bad. But all is for ME, your Savior. I will be with you through it if you allow me. And Kris, call some people that you know love you and let them know you are hurting. I didn't leave you on this earth to be alone in this walk. I have put people in your life. Allow them to be my arms, my ears and my voice to you, my beloved.
I did and I am thankful to those who hugged me over the weekend, prayed with me and listened to me when I called. I know this journey of experiencing grief will not be over for a long time..maybe never as some have told me. But one thing is certain, I am not alone.
Psalm: 23:4 Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. (This was my dad's favorite verses..all of Psalm 23)
Kris Swiatocho, Director
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